Wha-what’s your Fan-ta-ta-sy?
Oh Bachelor Nation, have we got a treat for you! Monday brings us a brand new season of “romance,” with limos, awkward introductions, and thirty women desperately trying to be memorable with only five minutes of face time. But our benevolent Bachelor Overlords at ABC gave us an extra reason to engage this year…
THEY STARTED A BACHELOR FANTASY LEAGUE!!!!!
ABC has decided to let all of us playing along at home the opportunity to pick out which lucky four bachelorettes will be allowed to bring a camera crew to their hometowns to watch Nick make small talk with their disapproving fathers. They’re also putting a new set of proposition bets up every week, so that we can try to guess the most popular color dress for the first night (Red. It’ll be red.) and other ridiculous things. Check it out on ESPN’s Fantasy app or ABC’s fantasy league site.
Of course, the Fantazie Suite couldn’t resist getting in on this action, so we’ll be posting a betting guide with a few tips each week. We’ve also got our own group, which you can join here to play along! So what do we have coming our way on Monday? Let’s check it out…
Week One predictions:
ABC-approved prop bets:
Which former Bachelor is NOT in the season premiere to give Nick advice? Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, and Jason Mesnick
Analysis: Last year, Boring Ben got advice from Sean, Chris, and Jason in Episode one. So either it’s the same group of Three Wise Bros, or Higgins will be replacing one of them. Seeing as Farmer Chris isn’t with Whitney anymore and Ben made it through a second reality show season with Lauren, we’re inviting Ben to the table.
Bet: Chris Soules
TRUE OR FALSE: One girl will leave the mansion before the Rose Ceremony begins.
The house will be stocked with women who have seen Nick Viall through thick and thin. They watched as he got dumped twice with a ring in his hand. Somehow, Nick came back into their lives, and he seemed even more sympathetic as the voice of reason to the Ashley I’s of the world, even as he broke up with… (pause to check Wikipedia) Jennifer! He broke up with Jennifer.
But it’s a lock that several of the contestants will already be in love with Nick before they see his hobbit-like features IRL. Emotions will be high. Everybody wants to slay in their first night dresses, so we can expect there to be empty stomachs and low BMIs. Throw in the first glass of wine to calm down, the second glass because you’re toasting, the third because it’s a long night, and hey let’s live a little… Somebody’s going home in a puddle of tears and smeared mascara before Chris Harrison taps on his champagne glass.
TRUE OR FALSE: Nick will cry during the First Rose Ceremony.
Nick is a sociopath. Sociopaths only display the emotions they think you want to see. The Bachelor doesn’t cry during night one. This is not Nick’s time to cry. Nick will cry when he feels you want to see him cry. But not on night one.
Fake, but fun bets:
TRUE OR FALSE: Nick mentions his lack of success in seasons past.
Every year, ABC cuts together a package re-introducing us to The Bachelor. There will be cheesy guitar music. There will be gratuitous shirtless shots of Nick’s super-toned CrossFit bod. There will be lens flares and the softest of soft focus. And there will most definitely be a brief glossing over of the fact that Nick hasn’t had an unblemished record with the ladies on the Family Network.
TRUE OR FALSE: Instead of the Three Wise Bros, Nick is greeted by Shawn Booth and Josh Murray.
The last time we saw Nick interact with Shawn, Shawn was pissed off that Nick had broken the show by sleeping with Kaitlyn before Fantasy Suites. Nick tried to force a conversation by skulking around behind an Irish barn, but Shawn wasn’t having it.
Likewise, Totally Not a Rage Monster Josh has nothing at all to shout at Nick, having shouted plenty at Nick during their stay in Paradise. ABC will not further acknowledge that Andi wrote a book about TNaRM Josh and his anger issues, which ABC tried to downplay by putting TNaRM Josh in front of a national audience in contrast to Definitely a Steroidal Psychopath Chad. Somehow, TNaRM Josh got a little ragey at Nick for mentioning said anger issues to TNaRM Josh’s (now ex-) fiancee.
Bet: This Yalta conference will only happen in our dreams
Which will we see more of: gratuitous shots of Nick’s abs or contestants asking some version of “Can I steal him?” during the cocktail party?
Nick’s vision board is nothing but pictures of Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman. He has spent the last three months carefully grooming his beard, practicing his “this is a hard decision” face, and doing roughly seventy billion crunches. Observe: