In case you’ve been trapped under something large, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing who will go on the first 1:1 date (Vanessa? Danielle M?). The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Like a dumped contestant walking into the sunlight after an all-night cocktail party, we emerged from week one of Nick Viall’s season with a clear idea of where things are going, but completely in the dark about just how much we can expect from love. But at least there will be innuendo. And sex.
So we here at the Fantazie Suite Fantasy League have been sitting in our ABC-sponsored bunker, watching the “This Season On…” reel roughly thirty times, and are ready to tell you how to place your wagers for next week:
Official propositions for week 2:
What will Nick do with the girls on his first group date of the season? Play baseball, Fly in a private jet, Participate in a wedding photoshoot, cook a gourmet dinner.
Analysis: We know from the teaser that there will be a wedding photoshoot, and that Corinne will use the opportunity to take her top off, because she’s following the Courtney Robinson/Vienna Girardi playbook of “put out for a rose.” It’s a bold move, and will work, up to a point. So this is either a question of, “Were you paying attention to the teaser?” or “We’re just screwing with you, it’s not the first thing shown in the teaser.” We think Chris Harrison enjoys playing third-level mind games, and is psyching us out about possibly psyching us out.
Bet: Wedding Photoshoot
TRUE or FALSE: Liz will tell someone about her history with Nick
Analysis: Liz got a rose this week so that she could eventually set the mansion aflame with the scandalous news that Nick, who we’ve seen hook up with at least three separate women on national television, has previously had sex. Christen, the virgin wedding photographer with the life of Jesus tattooed on her wrist who seems completely committed to giving her flower to Nick, was chosen to be on this season so that she could be scandalized by exactly the likes of Liz. Neither of these girls has much to bring them further on the show beyond this looming scandal, so the news has to come out quickly. We think it’s a lock that Liz spills the beans this week and Christen’s chipmunk cheeks go red at the impropriety of it all.
TRUE or FALSE: Nick and a bachelorette will go sky diving on their one-on-one date.
Analysis: In the teaser for the season, there are three distinctive locations, one domestic (New Orleans), and two abroad (unnamed tropical paradise and Finland). We are shown two helicopters, a seaplane, and a date aboard the vomit comet. Chris Harrison’s budgetary pockets are only so deep, so we’re skeptical that the budget will cover insurance for skydiving on top of all the teased extravagance.
A bridal photoshoot will include which of the following themes? Shotgun wedding, Superhero wedding, Sports wedding, Goth wedding.
Analysis: We’ve made great fun of Nick’s lack of emotion, but can you think of anything that might be more terrifying to him than a shotgun wedding? If anything puts genuine fear into those cold, dead eyes, it’s an unplanned pregnancy. Cue the Billy Idol.
TRUE or FALSE: A bachelorette will take a dip in a hot tub with Nick during this episode.
Analysis: The Bachelor LOVES hot tubs! They’re perfect for surreptitiously spreading venereal diseases, much like the show itself. And every hot tub in the middle of a field is a hot tub that has to be paid for. Why would they even have a hot tub at the mansion if not to use it, and often? This seems right up Jasmine G’s alley, if you’ll excuse the entendre.
Fake, but fun bets:
TRUE or FALSE: Rachel will make it to Hometowns.
Analysis: This is long-term thinking, but The Bachelor family has taken many, many, many public relations hits on account of their lack of diversity. It was the major topic of Season 2 of UnREAL, until UnREAL became about how Black Lives Matter affected white people. Over 21 seasons, Catherine is the only non-white girl to win the final rose (she’s half-Fillipina). We’ve never seen a black contestant make it to the final four. The producers catch flak for this every year as soon as the last contestant of color is shown to the limo of tears.
Enter Rachel. She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she’s way too good for this show. And on night one, she and Nick made a genuine connection, rightfully earning her the First Impression Rose. Nick has shown himself to be more than willing to give the producers the kind of television they like to see during his three plus seasons. And of the three discernible locations in the teaser, the location that seems to be the set of the final rose ceremony is Finland. Coincidentally, the only contestant shown in winter gear in the teaser is Rachel (kissing on a sled, then toasting “to Finland” with very rustic mugs). Rachel is a lock for the top three. Count on it.
TRUE or FALSE: This week will feature the first Awkward Private Concert.
Analysis: Much like helicopters, catamarans, and hot tubs, the Awkward Private Concert is a hallowed Bachelor tradition. Every year, and usually more than once a season, the second half of somebody’s date features the gentle strum of a struggling country-leaning singer-songwriter. The couple in question will sway back and forth in front of the artist, claim to love his/her work (despite their having just signed a recording contract), and if we’re lucky, they’ll struggle to sing along to a difficult chorus as if they have heard the song even once in their life. It’s brutal, maybe even worse for the sad performer than the lucky couple.
So it’s not a question of whether there will be an APC this season, but when. Our guess is that one of the two dates this week will be some sort of competition, and the winning team will be “treated” to a show. Christen will love it.
TRUE or FALSE: Alexis has never actually seen a dolphin.
Analysis: Dolphin-shark girl is amazing and all, but if this is what passes for marine biology these days, we weep for the future.
Someone will have to remind Nick who Liz is again.
Analysis: The Fantazie Suite would love a show where Nick is shown a lineup of women and asked to choose which (and how many) of them he’s seen naked. This would be ratings gold.
Bet: He calls her Vanessa by mistake.