In case you’ve been spending the last month trying to make a proper cheese pasta, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing what WON’T be on a date card this week. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Alright, Fantazie Suite Nation, we’re in the sweet spot of the season, where everybody in the viewing audience hates the villain (Corinne), but we don’t yet hate the Bachelor for keeping her around. Corinne’s still good TV, and Nick knows how to do what the producers want, so we just need to ride it out (bouncy house pun intended) for two or three more weeks of everyone’s least favorite 23-year-old-with-a-nanny. We can all relax with a nice lemon salad when this is over.
Real Bets this week:
The bachelorettes get to travel this week! Where does Nick whisk them off to? Malibu, Madrid, Miami, Milwaukee
Analysis: ROAD TRIP!!!!! Nick and the girls finally get to say goodbye to the mansion and put some miles on their luggage in week 4. Since the mansion is a fifteen minute drive from Malibu, and Madrid is too far away/expensive to be the first leg of this season’s travels, it’s down to Miami and Milwaukee. While we would love nothing better than forcing Corinne to wait by the curb in South Beach until her nanny comes by to pick her up in a minivan, judging from the other options we can place bets on, we think that we’re heading back to Nick’s old stomping grounds.
Or if you don’t trust us, you could follow The Bachelor on social media:
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 21, 2017
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelorette will take a dip in a hot tub with Nick during this episode.
Analysis: This is a tough one, like playing roulette. Do you let it ride on black because that’s where the ball’s landed the last three times, or do you switch it up and bet on red? Well if “black” means “Nick in a hot tub with a girl,” keep your chips right where they are on that table.
Bet: TRUE. Always bet on black.
Nick runs into his ______ while on a date this week. Kindergarten teacher, Ex-Girlfriend, Best friend, Personal trainer
Analysis: Nobody wants to hear one more goddamned word about Nick’s ex girlfriends. Nobody. And since his personal trainer is in LA, it’s a safe bet that somebody from Nick’s past will just happen to appear to try and convince us that he has human emotions. He doesn’t, and we should never forget that.
Bet: Kindergarten teacher. Nick’s best friend is a crossfit tire.
Fake But Fun bets:
TRUE or FALSE: Whitney is shown speaking on camera before she is sent home.
Analysis: Every year on the Bachelor, one of the Bachelorettes makes it to week four or five without making a noticeable impression on anyone whatsoever. That person usually gets a sympathy invite to Bachelor in Paradise, where they explain that yes, they really were on last season pursuing Nick, and no, they didn’t lose their tongue in some horrible industrial accident. Whitney is that person this year. We’ll see the pilates instructor in Mexico.
Which of the following Bachelorettes will still be on the journey at the end of week 4? Jasmine, Raven, Taylor, Vanessa
Analysis: A cardinal rule in Bachelor Nation is that you should never waste your 1:1 time with your suitor talking about one of the other contestants. This is the second-surest way to be sent home (the first being complain about not getting enough attention, as Dominique reminded us last week). These four girls all called Nick out, to some degree, for continuing to let the entitled menace stumble her way around the mansion. Since Vanessa is in Nick’s good graces, she’s probably safe (thank Chris Harrison for dry-heaving your way through a date). But since Nick doesn’t seem to mind keeping Sleeping Beauty around, We hope that Raven and Jasmine are watching their backs. Good luck and godspeed, ladies.
Bet: Vanessa and Taylor, yes. Raven 50:50, Jasmine 30:70.
What other tricks in the “Seduction for Teenagers in Movies 101” playbook does Corinne have up her sleeve? 10 Things, She’s All That, Bring It On
Analysis: In three weeks, we’ve seen Corinne actively operating out of this playbook. What 19-year-old hasn’t handed out love coupons or drunkenly thrown themselves at a romantic partner? But Corinne is going next-level with her game. “I’m Not Wearing Anything Under This Trench Coat,” “Lick Whipped Cream Off of Me,” and “Hold My Naked Boobs in Front of My Romantic Rivals” are all audibles from the varsity squad. We’re excited to see what she throws out next. Given the aversion to “planned dancing” she mentioned last week, she’s probably not recruiting the marching band to be her personal Four Seasons. A dramatic makeover or bikini carwash are too tame. However, we would pay good money to have Corinne put together an elaborate Cyrano de Bergerac/Roxanne scenario, where a smarter, more worthy person feeds her lines while she attempts to woo Nick with her words. Please, please let this happen.
Bet: Cyrano. Maybe Raquel can write Corinne’s love letters for her!