In case you’ve been napping like a champion this winter, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing which girl has a nervous breakdown at a haunted house this week. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Shhhhh… do you hear that, Bachelor Nation? It might be, it could be…
IT IS!!!! The never not awkward 2:1 date is finally here! Oh, frabjous day, callooh, callay! Taylor and Corinne will be jumping in a swamp boat with Nick in New Orleans, and only one can get the rose. Who’s it going to be? We can’t stand the suspense. (Just kidding. It’ll be Corinne. She’s harder to get rid of than a bad hangover. She’ll leave the bayou with the rose in one hand and an alligator’s heart on a stick in the other.)
Real Bets this week:
TRUE OR FALSE: There will be a two-on-one date this week.
Analysis: See above. Wait, while this is the subject, let’s tie another couple of these bets together…
TRUE OR FALSE: Nick will NOT offer his one-on-one date a rose this week.
How many bachelorettes will Nick send home this week? 0, 1, 3, 5
It would be too much to have an episode where the 1:1 goes home AND there’s a 2:1 date. And while there’s still a lot of dead weight this season, it really seems like ABC is sticking with tacking the rose ceremony to the beginning of the next week’s episode. So let’s say Milwaukee’s ceremony will see two girls cut (Astrid and Sarah, we’re looking at you), and then Taylor loses out to Corinne. That’s as far as we think the cuts will go.
Bet: TRUE, FALSE, and 3, respectively
In this week’s episode Nick will try something for the first time. What is it? Salsa dancing, A beignet, Bungee jumping, Taming an alligator
Analysis: True story: the Fantazie Suite went on a swamp tour in New Orleans last spring as part of a bachelor party weekend. The guides passed a two-foot long baby alligator around the room, and even at that age and size, it looked like a primeval monster. But the dumbest/coolest part of the day was when our Bobby Bouchet of a guide jumped in the water and fed Hercules, a 12-foot long leftover dinosaur, a hotdog from the guide’s mouth.
Dead as his eyes may be, ABC will not entrust Nick with this task.
And while it may seem tame to order fancy donuts from Cafe du Monde, Beignets are dangerous in their own right. Just remember that Nick and Danielle L ate cookies last week, and not every day can be a cheat day.
Bet: Beignets. Let’s hope Nick’s abs survive.
Fake, but fun Bets:
Other things on Alexis’s “greatest fears” list. A return to the gold standard leading to destabilization of international exchange markets, colony collapse disorder, the Yellowstone supervolcano, dolphins
Analysis: Alexis informed Nick last week that her greatest fears are ghosts and Academy Award-winning actor/noted New Orleans enthusiast Nicholas Cage. Amazingly, Alexis gets to confront one of those greatest fears this week down in New Orleans. Sadly, it’s not this one:
But if you look closer at Alexis’s lower-third chyron, you’ll see that her deepest, greatest fear has been clear from the start. Alexis isn’t a dolphin trainer; she’s an aspiring dolphin trainer. In that qualifying adjective lies a fear that outweighs even the worst parts of Ghost Rider. Alexis aspires to be a trainer, but she isn’t there yet. What’s holding her back? Alexis must not trust those beady eyes, that hollow laugh, the friendly veneer that only goes skin deep. But enough about Nick, we were talking about dolphins. We think they figure heavily into Alexis’s Tragic Personal Story™.
How will the 2:1 date loser be left behind? Walked to the limo, Eaten by alligators, Abandoned on an island, Shot out of a cannon
Analysis: It is a time-honored Bachelor tradition that whoever loses the 2:1 date makes a memorable exit. Well, usually an exit. Chad stalked back to the hotel in Pennsylvania and threatened bodily harm a couple more times before he left. But it was memorable. Remember how Ben Higgins left one of the twins behind at their mom’s house?
Or that time Ali got in a helicopter and ditched Kasey the idiot with the tattoo on a freaking glacier?
Or how, on our personal favorite date ever, Chris left both Ashley I and Kelsey to die in the Badlands?
This season, Taylor has done very little to further her relationship with Nick, while Corinne has made it very clear what she has to offer (Sex. It’s sex.). When Nick inevitably sends Taylor home, she’s going to need that graduate degree to cope with being stranded in the middle of a swamp.
Bet: Island in the middle of a swamp
Check out how you did last week with our Week 4 recap here