Welcome back, Fantazie Suite Nation! We’re in week 6, so that means we’re about halfway through Nick’s journey to find an ex-wife and it’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff. Or at least get rid of some women that Nick is bored with.
We pick up where last week left off with Taylor showing up to tell Nick the truth about Corinne. He indulges her and walks outside to hear her out. After listening to Taylor’s thoughts on how Corinne is a bad person for about 30 seconds, he basically tells her “k thanks byeee”. Taylor, Nick doesn’t care how Corinne slandered you. He simply listened to his heart (read: his junk).
We move on to the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison breaks the dramatic news that there will be no cocktail party. There is some teeth gnashing over this but really, every episode 5 or 6, we skip the cocktail party because the bachelor(ette) “knows what they want”/ABC needs to make it seem like they are taking this super seriously. Corinne somehow still manages to get a hold of the largest glass of champagne ever. We say goodbye to Jaime and Josephine which was about 4 weeks overdue. What I’m still not ok with is that we also bid Alexis “adieu”. It seems like a lock that we’ll see her again in “Paradise” but the credits will never be the same.
St. Thomas was made for catamarans
It took 6 weeks, but we’re finally on an international trip, and true to Bachelor form, we’re in the Caribbean visiting St. Thomas. After settling into their accommodations, and acting like it was the first time they have been in a hotel, the women hear something outside. What could it be?! It’s Nick! Flying in an airplane. I mean, come on, ABC. I get that you have to produce a compelling television show here, but acting like the women could spot Nick flying by in a prop plane is complete nonsense. At least have him parasailing or something where you may be able to recognize his dead eyes from a distance.
We got some decent comic relief from the “Back at the Hotel” crowd this week though. Vanessa tells us all that Denmark used to own this island to absolute crickets. Also, Corinne tells us she’s going to drink in bed, then changes her mind when she finds out there’s another human who she can order around: Lorna! She really misses Raquel.
The saddest 1:1 date in Bachelor History
This week’s happy couple begins the date by hanging out at the beach (because it’s free and ABC is still making up for blowing the budget on the vomit comet in Week 3). Nick says how he wants to hear about her family (he doesn’t) and Kristina does her best to telegraph that he really doesn’t want to go down this path with her. Since showing interest in her family is what he prepared to seem normal this week, there’s no way we’re not diving head first into her TPS.
After frolicking in the ocean for a bit, Kristina and Nick sit down to dinner but literally don’t take a bite. Why is this you ask, Bachelor Nation? There is no way one can enjoy a meal after someone tells you they used to eat lipstick to survive as a small child. We are in all-time Tragic Personal Story™ territory, folks. She also shares with Nick that she was thrown out of the house at 5 years old, lived in an orphanage for 7 years and was adopted when she was 12, leaving behind a sister and her friends. This is a truly heart-wrenching story but I’m glad she got a chance to share it deep in the season. It would have been unfair to publish her story on ABC.com without letting her tell it herself. Worse would have been breezing through it only to have a half-lit Corinne stumble over to “steal him” during a cocktail party. She gets a well-deserved rose and it appears that Nick cries actual tears.
Gladiator Group Date
For Week 6’s group date, we head out to a private beach via catamaran – classic Bach Move! Things start out normal enough with the group enjoying shots together and playing cornhole. Before long, however, Nick channels his inner Commodus and pits the women against each other in a game of beach volleyball. Things start to come undone when Corinne declares that she needs a nap/to pass out. Vanessa starts to get pretty annoyed followed by Danielle M is tired of playing sports instead of cuddling or something. Before we know it, everyone (except for Corinne who is blacked out per usual) is crying and done playing volleyball. Awesome date.
Meanwhile, for the last 45 mins or so, Jasmine G. hasn’t stop complaining about her need for 1:1 time. At this point, we’re all waiting for her to get sent home – whining is usually good for a one way ticket back to dancing at basketball games.
She finally gets some alone time with Nick and let’s just say things could have gone better. While the other women have cooled down, Jasmine still has a lot to get off her chest. She freaks out and somehow decides that telling him that she wants to choke him would be a good way to advance their relationship. Seeing that Nick is not reacting well to this, she tries to soften her threat by pivoting and asking Nick if he wants a “chokey”. She tries to play this off as something he’ll enjoy but she clearly misread his interest in being choked-out. I think it’s fair to say this was a bit early in their relationship to ask if he’s into auto-erotic asphyxiation. Nick whispers his safe word to the producers and we say goodbye to Jasmine.
The shortest 2:1 date ever
In the last date of the episode, we’re treated to a 2:1 date with Danielle L and Whitney. This is pretty exciting because over the course of the last 5 weeks, Whitney has said approximately 13 words on camera. The threesome arrives at a secluded St. Thomas beach by way of helicopter – a strong, classic Bachelor move. Nick spends a couple of minutes right away with Whitney, they chit chat, talking about how “this is nice” or whatever. Nick moves on to Danielle L and before she can get through 2 sentences, he cuts her off. He goes back over to Whitney and tells her that he really wants to give her a rose but can’t – smell ya later! And just like that, Nick and Danielle L are back in the helicopter and Whitney is left to clean up their cabanas. I wonder how long she was able to hang out there before the crew came in to strike the scene and if she had to help?
It’s not you, it’s me
Nick and Danielle L move on to dinner with Whitney nothing more than a distant memory. They engage in a conversation that may have been the worst dialogue ever in a series full of terrible interactions. Danielle L, trying to have a moment with Nick asks what kind of relationship he’s looking for. He replies “adventurous and raw” which is total BS given he didn’t want a “chokey” from Jasmine. The dead giveaway that something was amiss was a the absence of music during their dinner followed by trademark sad piano music. It was at this moment that Bachelor Nation realized that “she gone!” Before we know it, someone is collecting Danielle L’s luggage and a black SUV pulls up to send her back to the real world. RIP, DLo. I wish I had been using your nickname sooner.
Back to the emotional abuse
After sending home his 6th (!) bachelorette of the evening, it’s time for Nick to face his remaining shell-shocked tributes. At first blush, it may seem like Nick is feeling the weight of this process. He is in tears and lets the remaining women know that he’s unsure if this is going to work out for him. Nick then walks away in full sulk mode. The bachelorettes are clearly rattled by this but I suspect this is all part of Nick’s grand plan.
It finally becomes clear that Nick is using the D.E.N.N.I.S. system (Season 5 Episode 10 of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) to win the women’s undying love. We are definitely on the 2nd “N” – “Neglect Emotionally”. I think it’s safe to say Nick and Chris Harrison will be “Inspiring hope” by next week. Stay tuned because it looks like we finally get to see what happens in the hotel with Corinne. It promises to be “top notch”, platinum even!