Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! It’s our namesake week, Fantasy Suite week. If you’re new to the franchise, this is the week where the entire premise of the episode is our Bachelor(ette) test driving the goods while doing their best to keep up the facade of being here for the “right reasons”. Since ABC can’t help themselves, the fantasy suite week is going to be split into 2 – 1 hour installments over 2 weeks. How fitting that a fantasy suite episode didn’t last as long as we wanted it to. While 2 hours straight of Nick fumbling to find the right way to give 3 women his hotel key sounds terrible, is nothing sacred?
Andi Dorfman’s Fantasy Suite Philosophy: YOLO
We’re in week 9 and once again we open with the resolution of yet another “cliffhanger”. Andi arrives at Nick’s hotel room “surprising” him to have a discussion because that makes sense. After some mindless back and forth, we get to Andi’s sage advice. When asked how Nick should handle the Fantasy Suite, she basically tells him, “YOLO”. She then goads Nick into apologizing for doing exactly what she told him to do (whatever he wants) with the final 3 women. Guess who isn’t on my “people I’d go to for relationship advice” list? Andi Dorfman.
As an aside, isn’t Andi a lawyer? Wouldn’t you think she has better things to do than make guest appearances on a dating show which stars her ex? Then again, her judgement is questionable since she did pick that bozo Josh. We’re assuming this was Andi reminding the world she exists in advance of her second book. If her first book was about how to get over a relationship/how to be on a reality tv show, what the hell is book two about?
The Rose Ceremony – somewhere near JFK?
During the whole Andi bit, we see cut aways of the women gathering in a park in Brooklyn for the rose ceremony. They are freezing their asses off waiting for Nick to arrive and it seems they are only here because it’s close to JFK. When Nick does show up, he’s dressed like a bus boy at the Olive Garden in a black silky button up and an ill-fitting pair of dress pants. When the music stops, Corinne is left without a rose and call me crazy, but I felt bad for her. For the last couple of weeks, she’s been easily the most entertaining part of the show and a more likable brand of crazy. At least she got to take a nap in the Limo of Despair. I’m confident that we’ll see her again soon since I don’t see a world where she’s not invited to paradise.
Lapland Finland: Another place I had to Google
We arrive in our final location of the season, Lapland, Finland. Like Bimini, I had no idea where this was. Google told me that it’s the “Northernmost region of Finland”. Why aren’t they somewhere tropical? Was there a groupon for a 4-person vacation to Finland that an ABC producer bought and had to use before it expired? I can’t imagine there is a whole lot of fun stuff to do north of the arctic circle. Based on all of the previews and Raven’s date which we’ll get to in a moment, the only activity appears to be avoiding frostbite.
The first (and only) date of the evening is with Raven. Nick and Raven fly around Finland in a helicopter. This is a classic Bachelor move but then then they go to a bar to play darts. Cool. Seriously, guys? It’s the final 3. It’s the Fantasy Suite week(s) – can we dig deep for some extravagance? If you’re going to jerk Bachelor Nation around, at the very least don’t make it obvious that you only had budget for a helicopter ride or a nice dinner but not both.
Raven the oversharer
During their romantic dinner in the middle of a rustic tavern (Finnish dive bar), Nick and Raven spend way too much time talking about ironing. No, seriously- they did this. And Nick wonders why things haven’t quite worked out for him yet. Nick kept asking Raven “why are you nervous” to broach the subject of the fantasy suite. Raven finally caves and tells Nick what he wants to hear – that she’s nervous about what the Fantasy Suite is all about. She’s only been with one other guy, so she takes this very seriously. It’s nice to see Raven display some morals, unfortunately these good feelings are short-lived.
This is where things start to get kinda weird, friends. As Raven and Nick are awkwardly triangulating each other’s expectations of the sacred evening, Raven volunteers some very personal information. She tells Nick, to put it delicately, that she’s never been fulfilled by a mate. Nick is left wondering why the hell she would tell him this, but we’re talking about the woman who told a story of assaulting the woman her boyfriend was cheating on her with with a shoe along with some very graphic details of the night in question. Is it really that surprising that she is telling Nick (and the ABC viewing audience) these personal details? Raven admitting this kind of takes the fantasy suite pressure to perform off of her and onto him, so I like the admission from a tactical standpoint.
As an aside, what is going on with that turtleneck? I feel like if Nick’s lack of skill doesn’t kill the mood that “Bazooka Joe” sweater will do the trick.
What is the opposite of “The Fantasy Suite”?
After opening her invitation from Chris Harrison to shack up with Nick (complete with a key that clearly doesn’t go to a lock from the last 150 years), Raven contemplates her move. It takes about 2 seconds for her to tell Nick she wants to spend the night with him. He’s a bit taken aback by the lack of push back or explanations of how she is here for the right reasons. The kicker is that Raven makes it clear that she expects fireworks, if you know what I mean. Nick is visibly shaken and I think we all are expecting Raven to go 0-2 with gentleman lovers.
We end the episode with Nick leading Raven to his yurt for the evening. They are definitely not going to be watching the northern lights, Gross.
See you all next week when we find out how truly awkward Nick and Raven’s evening was followed by 2 hours of 27 or so women complaining about Nick. Three hours is going to be rough. I have no desire to see Taylor ever again…or Liz…or Christen…or…