In case you were busy hoping against hope that your ex-girlfriend would stop talking about your inability to satisfy her, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing which girl hops in a hot tub with Nick in matching swimsuits. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Hey Bachelor Nation! Last week’s episode with Raven’s Fantasy Suite visit didn’t last nearly as long as we wanted it to, but Nick is going to make it up to us in Week 10 with a marathon 3-hour session. We’ll see a lot of “Will they or won’t they” with Raven, Vanessa, and Rachel, followed by two hours of Women Tell All, which will answer such questions as “Who have we already forgotten about?” and “Who took breaking up with Nick as an invitation to make regrettable fashion choices?” Let’s see what we have to bet on this week.
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelorette rejects the Fantasy Suite invitation.
Analysis: If any of the girls wanted to get out of this season with their dignity intact, you’d think they would have bailed on Nick weeks ago. And sure enough, we’ve gotten peeks at both Rachel’s and Vanessa’s Fantasy Suites already:
Just so we’re clear, there isn’t much dignity left for anybody here. I’m sure everyone’s parents are quite proud.
Rachel has a few wipeouts while she and Nick partake in what cold-weather activity? Snowboarding, Cross-country skiing, Snowshoeing, Tubing
Analysis: It seems like every shot we’ve seen of Finland this season has been lacking in mountains. We’re guessing that snowboarding and tubing are similarly out of the picture. And we know that Nick and Rachel spend some time on a dogsled, so which of the other two activities will pack onto the sled alongside the happy couple? Probably snowshoes, right? Skis just seem too bulky.
Nick makes breakfast for one of the bachelorettes. What does he cook? Pancakes, Eggs, Waffles, French toast
Analysis: Waffles and pancakes are something that you need a recipe and measuring utensils for, and Nick definitely isn’t going to put a whole lot of effort into cooking breakfast. French toast might be fun, but we doubt Nick is a big fan of starting his day with a bunch of early morning empty carbs, no matter how energetic he was the night before. He’ll lazily scramble some eggs, pretend he’s Wolfgang Puck, and Vanessa will pretend to be impressed (just like the night before!).
Which couple wears matching bathing suits on their date?
Analysis: Has this one already been ruined by the “Next week on…” video? Of course it has!
Bet: Nick and Vanessa. Speaking of which…
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelorette will take a dip in a hot tub with Nick during this episode.
Analysis: Two in a row just given to whoever happened to be paying attention. That has to be a hot tub, right? Otherwise Nick and Vanessa are taking the polar bear plunge, and Nick moved out of the Midwest for a reason.
Which of the following animals do Nick and one bachelorette feed? Swan, Bear, Reindeer, Seal
Analysis: The Bachelor isn’t going to head north of the Arctic circle and not have Nick feed local wildlife. And of course they’re going to feature that charismatic megafauna in all of their promotional videos. They’re not amateurs, you guys.
Bet: They didn’t just strap antlers to a seal, either. That’s a Reindeer.
Which bachelorette’s fairy tale ends when she does NOT receive a rose at this week’s ceremony?
Analysis: If this isn’t Rachel, then there is no point to next week whatsoever. ABC doesn’t want their audience watching the season finale purely out of spite, right?
Bet: Rachel, or else the entire viewing population will riot.
Fake, but Fun Bets:
How much time will the Women Tell All episode spend rehashing the Taylor/Corinne “feud”? 1 minute, 5 minutes, 20 minutes, the whole episode
Analysis: Women Tell All always spends way too much time going through the stupid controversies and interpersonal conflicts that happened over the course of the season. Since anything longer than a 30-second montage of Taylor/Corinne is overkill at this point, we think that as soon as Chris Harrison says “emotional maturity,” you can get up and pour yourself another glass of wine without worrying that you might miss something.
Bet: 20 minutes. 20 looooong minutes.
Over/Under 5: How many dumped bachelorettes sitting on the dais will you be unable to name?
Analysis: Remember Olivia?
No? How about Ida Marie?
Jeez. Lauren? Michelle? How many of those women want to be a dolphin? Which one rode in on a camel? Who smacked Nick at that weird “pretend you’re breaking up” group date? These WTA episodes always turn into a Who’s Who of Who’s She?
Bet: Over. Way over.
What will be the worst fashion choice of the Women Tell All episode? Josephine’s “Morticia Adams” lipstick, Liz’s “Noose” earrings, Something else entirely
Analysis: All of the dumped contestants have seen themselves on television by now, which means that they have had time to criticize themselves over the tiniest personality and/or fashion faux pas. Except for Corinne, who obviously knows she’s flawless. There are always weird highlights and bad spray tans, so we hope that some other horrible choice catches our attention tonight. Maybe it’ll be the audience member who made a shirt that says, “Emotional intelligence is my jam.” Do you really want to be on tv that badly?
Bet: Something Else
TRUE OR FALSE: Raven’s ex-boyfriend can recover from this.
Analysis: There can’t be a whole lot of guys in the Hoxie, Arkansas dating pool, so unless he can get a sworn affidavit testifying that he brought at least two women that he didn’t cheat on to completion, Raven’s ex-boyfriend is going to have a tough time finding another girlfriend after this season.