Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! It’s time to mercifully end Nick’s fantasy suite dates after ABC decided that the way to create suspense this week was to just show us half an episode. Cool. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I found myself lost between the hours of 9-10pm on last Monday night.
But just as Chris Harrison giveth, he also taketh away. This week, we will be subjected to an hour of Nick trying to be a gentleman about taking 3 different women into bed with him (who are all trying to pretend this isn’t happening) followed by 2 hours of “Women tell all”. I’ll only be covering the episode in this recap because I don’t hate myself enough to watch 2 live hours of 28ish women “confronting” Nick. I wish they would instead just hold a CNN-style Alexis + Corinne town hall. Wouldn’t you like to see Jake Tapper try to get Corinne to release her tax returns? Now that would be time well spent!
Things apparently went well for Raven
We start the episode by getting back to the action with Raven (pun intended). She has a goofy post-fantasy suite grin on her face and that can only mean one thing. Wait, subtlety doesn’t work on ABC? Ok, Raven comes out and tells us that, “Nick is good at what he does”. Ew. That wasn’t on the nose enough for you? How about a 30 second montage of Raven skipping around Finland high-fiving strangers and making snow angels? Corinne the born-again feminist would be so disappointed.
Rachel and the regrettable Fantasy Suite
Rachel gets the next date and opens the action with a classic “run and jump” greeting. In keeping with a bargain basement theme, Nick whips out some cross country skis so they can slide around for 15 minutes. After finishing that up, they stumble upon a farm of sorts. The happy couple checks out the animals and then make the bizarre decision to jump on an unmanned sled to be pulled lord knows where by one of the reindeer from the farm. Ok – weird.
Nick and Rachel next end up in a cabin where they talk about feelings. Rachel opens up to Nick and let’s him know that she’s falling for him. In that moment, it looked like Nick was thinking “gotcha!” He uses this opening to present her with the date card effectively asking her if she’s down to party. This is the ABC equivalent of texting someone “you up?”. Rachel, unfortunately, eagerly accepts the invitation.
We pick up the action again the next morning with a scene of Nick preparing breakfast for Rachel. We all know that “The Bachelor” is not real life. Real life is not jaunts on catamarans, helicopter rides and a personal stylist; these are all things that make the show fun and whimsical. However, come on guys. This may be the most out of water Nick has looked all season. I’ll buy that Nick dresses well and probably has taken a woman on an extravagant date for the sole purpose of getting in her pants. However, there is no way he’s ever cooked breakfast for last night’s lover. Nick V. is clearly an untoasted pop tart and call-an-Uber at 3am sort of guy.
Vanessa and the Guantanamo Date
We have reached the last date of the evening and Nick has clearly left the worst for last. Nick has one go-to line for the Fantasy Suite week it seems it’s imploring the women to “get out of their head”. I’m pretty sure this is just creep code for “let’s make some bad choices”.
Nick tells Vanessa that their date is going to involve experiencing Finnish culture. Apparently, the Fins love voluntarily battling hypothermia. Nick and Vanessa go back and forth between a literal ice bath and a sauna because I guess it’s fun? They look fairly miserable the entire time before ending up in a hot tub for drinks and #realtalk.
Nick expresses his concerns with Vanessa’s family being “traditional” which is a pretty weird thing to say. I think this just means “parents hate me”. Nick then dives into the subject of moving to Canada and the prospect of becoming a poutine connoisseur. She is pretty clear about her desire to not move away from her family and that’s a reasonable reservation. Nick, being the prince that he is, wasn’t feeling a move up North because he’s “proud to be an American”. Ok, Lee Greenwood.
Back to the cabin we go with Nick and Vanessa and on cue, Nick produces a date card. The presentation is a bit much for me. Nick just leans back and lets Chris Harrison make the moves for him. Vanessa accepts and completes Nick’s Fantasy Suite Trifecta.
The least suspenseful rose ceremony ever
Since either Nick was sending Rachel home or I was throwing my television out a window, there isn’t too much to say here thanks to the lazy producers over at ABC. Raven and Vanessa get a rose and Rachel is “devastated”. Whatever, you dodged a bullet, Rachel – see you on May 22nd as the Bachelorette. From the way that Rachel hugged the other girls, it’s clear that there’s real affection between Rachel and Raven, but I don’t think Vanessa has any interest in hanging out with people who are dating her boyfriend.
Rachel was so chill about her journey with Nick the whole way; how could being dumped by him make her so upset? I don’t get it. I also would bet cash money that a producer was whispering in her ear from week 3, telling her she’d be a good Bachelorette (though to be fair, they probably sweeten up a lot of the girls that way). All I want to know is what amateur makeup artist gave Rachel non-waterproof mascara for a rose ceremony? That’s a rookie move, yo.
We’ll see you next week to find out if Nick has terrible taste in Neil Lane jewelry!