In case you were busy wondering whether this was all going to work out for you, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing whether Nick is going to pick out a third Neil Lane diamond. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
And so our season-long affair must end. We’re at the Finale, Bachelor Nation, and it’s time for Nick to sigh, ponder, ruminate, and make this face:
…for two straight hours. Will he propose? Will his final rose be accepted? Are long-distance relationships ever a good idea? Let’s get to speculating.
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
TRUE OR FALSE: Corinne surprises Nick in Finland.
Analysis: As much as we’ll be lighting candles and throwing pennies into fountains hoping for Corinne to stumble back into our lives, we don’t think this is happening. Corinne said in the Limo of Despair that she was done chasing after men, and a trip to Finland would definitely be too far. She’s probably already gone back to that ridiculous mall and returned the winter coat she bought. We’ll have to wait until Paradise to see her again. She’s more of a warm-weather phenomenon anyway.
Nick and one bachelorette pay a visit to which of the following mythical characters? Jack Frost, Easter Bunny, Leprechaun, Santa Claus
Analysis: Did you know that the image of Santa Claus popularized by Coca-Cola was designed by the child of Finnish immigrants? We didn’t either, until some lazy Googling about an hour ago. This is Haddon Sundblom’s work:
So taking that into account, and seeing as how they’re still above the Arctic Circle, and Nick already took Rachel to hang out with some reindeer, it’s only a matter of time before they get to meet the big guy. Check out Santa Claus Village in Rovaniemi, Lapland:
Bet: Santa Claus, for sure.
TRUE OR FALSE: During the final week, a bachelorette will take a dip in a hot tub with Nick.
Analysis: Once they get down to the last four or five contestants, the Bachelor gets serious. They have to pretend that this “journey” will actually lead to real feelings once the helicopters and yachts disappear. So this week will be full of dramatic music, heartfelt confessions, and Nick’s family breaking into tears. Which sadly means that we’ve probably seen our last hot tub. It’s surprising that we snuck one in with Vanessa last week.
Nick chooses an engagement ring from which of the following people? Neil Lane, His mother, None of the above
Analysis: There’s an interesting case to be made here for Nick getting a ring from his mom. So far, Nick’s picked out two different Neil Lane rings, and each time he was dumped before taking it out of his pocket. Why on earth would he want to give it a third shot? On top of that, we already got our obligatory Neil Lane appearance, when he got out of the limo with Jasmine G way back on night one.
On the other hand, Nick is a brief appearance on Dancing With the Stars away from going 0 for 4 on nationally televised attempts to find ForeverLove, and it’s unlikely that he’d risk a family heirloom on either Vanessa or Raven. On top of that, he’s got eleven siblings; what are the odds that his mom even has an heirloom ring to offer?
Bet: Neil Lane will show up and make a few corny jokes about being sick of seeing Nick. We are too, Neil. We are too.
TRUE OR FALSE: Nick proposes to one bachelorette.
Analysis: Nick has been pretty open all season about being gun-shy about this not working out. This whole episode will center around Nick wondering whether he should actually pull the trigger and propose. Which is it going to be? We see this ending with some kind of mush-mouthed half-measure. He’ll keep the diamond in his pocket and ask the final girl to “continue this journey of love” or some ridiculous thing.
Bet: While it would be a strange time for Nick to have morals… FALSE
Which bachelorette receives Nick’s final rose?
Analysis: If Nick was going to send Vanessa home, it would have been before this point. He just spent the past two weeks arguing with her about how she doesn’t want to leave Quebec. And while we saw Nick drop girls mid-date as soon as the conversation got difficult, Vanessa’s still around. And to go back to the previous bet, some of the videos we’ve been given by ABC’s social media team include Vanessa flat out telling Nick not to propose to her if it’s only because he loves her a little bit more than Raven. So it’ll be Vanessa and it won’t be a proposal.
Over/Under 15: How many times will Kaitlyn and Andi be mentioned?
Analysis: This may sound insane, but Nick had actually been a contestant on The Bachelorette twice before! Why wouldn’t they have mentioned this fact at some point during this season? (Heavy sigh) Tonight’s episode will lean heavily on Nick’s past failures. He’ll say it in voice overs, his family will remind him, Neil Lane will get a joke in at his expense; this is going to be a tough episode on Nick’s ego.
How long will Nick last on DWTS?
Analysis: Nick is not a graceful person, and while he does have fantastic abs and a craven desire to be on television, he’s not going to stay on our screens very long if he’s trying to shake his hips to a rumba beat.
Bet: Four weeks. He’ll last longer than Mr. T and Chris Kattan, but not as long as Charo.
What kind of dance will he and Peta pair with the inevitable “Kiss Me”?
Analysis: It’s a 4/4 time signature, which rules out any kind of waltz, and it’s got a tricky tempo, but ABC is making this happen. Mark our words.
What’s next for Nick?
Analysis: Nick Viall, who’s from Milwaukee and claims to live in Chicago, is constantly Instagramming from Los Angeles. He loves being on TV. But unless he has an invention to pitch on Shark Tank, he’s starting to run out of ABC reality programs to appear on. If you gave us odds on Nick moving to Montreal with Vanessa or Nick somehow being involved in the untimely demise of Chris Harrison, we’d bet heavily on Harrison ending up at the bottom of Runyon Canyon.
Bet: Professional hosting career. Harrison, watch your back.