Just like last season with Nick, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors each week by guessing whether or not Rachel is going to start the “passionate kissing” on night one. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Welcome back to the Fantazie Suite, Bachelor Nation! It seems like only yesterday we were trying to read the tea leaves and figure out whether Nick would pick Vanessa or Raven, but it’s time to tune in again and watch Rachel start her journey to find ForeverLove. Chris Harrison and crew have searched the highs and lows of America’s most-eligible and photogenic suitors, and they have 31 guys who are totally here for the #RightReasons and not at all looking to up their Q rating and maybe put a few stamps in their passport.
And so we here at the Fantazie Suite have been studying up and watching every video posted to Twitter, and we are here to guide you through ABC’s Bachelorette Fantasy League. Ready to go? Whaboom.
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
Which of the following stunts is NOT pulled during the limo arrivals? Tickling Rachel, Rachel swept off her feet, literally, Riding in on an elephant, Feeding Rachel
Analysis: Since Jonathan is listed on his cast bio as a tickle monster, that’s a pretty safe bet. And here’s a screengrab of Rachel getting picked up by Bryce the firefighter:
So it’s down to feeding or elephants. While we saw Lacey come in on a camel to meet Nick, an elephant might be a bit much. They need to save the budget for that viking ship in Oslo. Let’s rule that out.
During the cocktail party, Rachel admits to disliking this tasty treat: Donuts, Chocolate, Key lime pie, Gummy bears
Analysis: We watched Rachel eat beignets last season, and only crazy people don’t like chocolate. This question is boring, so we’re going to flip a coin and move on.
Bet: Gummy bears. Why not?
What is Rachel’s dog’s name? Rusty, Copper, Penny, Buster
Analysis: Her dog’s name is Copper. You can find it in three places on the website. Try harder, ABC.
One bachelor attempts to woo Rachel during the limo arrivals in which foreign language? French, Russian, Italian, Spanish
Analysis: This one could go several different ways, but let’s rule out Russian. Kristina gave us enough of a peek behind the Iron Curtain last season with her Tragic Personal Story of growing up eating lipstick and leaving her sister behind in an orphanage.
Looking through the cast biographies, we can see that Anthony taught in the Ivory Coast. He might pull out some French on the driveway. Rob, meanwhile, studied abroad in four different countries, and he seems like the type to want to show that off in the worst way. Our favorite option, though, is Bryan: the chiropractor’s bio mentions that he’s spoken Spanish since he was a child. It’s just a shame that Astrid won’t be around to give us more German anatomy lessons.
Bet: Spanish. Bryan querría una rosa, por favor.
TRUE OR FALSE: Rachel shares a passionate kiss with a bachelor on the first night.
Analysis: Who does ABC think they’re kidding, Bachelor Nation? Rachel agreed to be on this show so that she could kiss bachelors. There’s no time like the present to get started.
Bet: TRUE. What else are we here for?
Who will receive the First Impression Rose?
Analysis: With 31 guys in the mix, the First Impression Rose is a crapshoot, as usual. And while Adam comes out of the limo with his identical puppet, and Matt wears a penguin suit, there are only so many goobers we can automatically disqualified on the basis of their dumb gimmicks and props.
We’ll throw a dart at a map and give our First Impression Rose to Josiah. As we said in our preview, he has a lot going for him, and the fellow lawyer bids Rachel adieu on the driveway with the absolutely adorable pun, “See you later, litigator.”
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 21, 2017
Keep your eyes on Josiah, Nation.
Fake, but Fun Bets:
Over/under on how many bachelors are visibly drunk over the course of night one: 4
Analysis: To accommodate for Rachel’s tastes, this crop of dudes skews older, more established in their careers, and a bit less prone to getting hammered and jumping in the pool in their skivvies like Daniel. Four seems a little bit high.
Bet: Under, sadly.
What the hell is a whaboom?
Analysis: Take a look at Lucas, a “whaboom” from Santa Monica:
We don’t know what a whaboom is, we don’t want to know, we just want Lucas to go away as quickly as possible.
Bet: An insufferable Santa Monica bro thing that we want no part of.
Whose sage advice would Rachel be best to ignore? Whitney, Corinne, Alexis, Jasmine G
Analysis: All four of these girls show up at the top of the show to give Rachel counsel before she heads off to the Bachelor Mansion.
Here’s what their advice boils down to:
Whitney: Don’t send a guy home just because he never ever talks on camera.
Alexis: Don’t send a guy home just because he shows up in an animal costume.
Jasmine G: Don’t send a guy home just because he tries to choke you.
Corinne: Don’t send a guy home just because he throws up more red flags than a matador.
So who should Rachel ignore?
Bet: All of them.
Good luck, Rachel, and good luck, Fantazie Suite Nation! We’re rooting for you.
If you haven’t already taken a look at our full analysis of all 31 guys, you can check that out here
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