Welcome back, #BacheloretteNation! Boy, does it feel good to be back. In spite of ABC’s continued lazy marketing efforts (remember last season how they constantly tweeted out pictures that gave away fantasy league questions), we have incredibly high hopes for Rachel’s season. It almost feels like Opening Day when anything is possible and hope springs eternal. We have a lot to get to, so let’s jump right in to our recap!
Meet our new Bachelorette, Rachel!
In keeping with Bachelor(ette) traditions, we are subjected to the cheesiest of cheesy biographical intros during the premiere. ABC certainly did not let us down. We briefly see Rachel “in action” as an attorney. This would have been great if it wasn’t produced by someone whose concept of our judicial system wasn’t heavily influenced by Scooby Doo. Honestly it looked like a bad HR video on sexual harassment that you’re forced to watch before you’re allowed to bus tables at Red Lobster. There is a walk on the beach and a declaration that she is now “ready” for love, or whatever. We also get to meet her dog, Copper, who seems lovely. I would have liked to see a bit more background on her, but since she stuck around with Nick for most of the season, I guess this is ok.
Rachel is then given a bunch of terrible advice from some of her friends/fellow survivors from Nick V’s season. It’s interesting that they went this route vs bringing out their harem of past Bachelorettes. I guess JoJo and Kaitlyn were like, super duper busy posting on Instagram or something. I was too distracted trying to figure out who half of these women were to pay much attention to what they were telling her. I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine without their sage wisdom.
Limos are for Lovers
We meet the guys both in their short clip as well as they get out of the limos. Can we just agree that Josiah is the best after hearing his Tragic Personal Story and how he’s overcome a tough past? No, I’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING!
The intros are going pretty well – nothing too out there yet. Bryan uses some 10th grade Spanish to impress Rachel, a couple of guys are on camera for a few words and Iggy is emerging as the guy who finds is necessary to analyse the situation out loud for all the other guys. We saw this coming a mile away with his title of “Consulting CEO” and self-proclaimed love of Harvard Business Review. Dean did everything possible to associate himself with things that would crowd out that first impression comment about being ready to go black. He really wants to take that pickup line back, as he should – but I’m going to have a hard time un-hearing that one.
And then, things go off the rails a bit. Jonathan the tickle monster, well, tickles her. There is a super haunted doll, Adam Junior, who accompanies AJ and then…the whaboom. I wanted to give him a chance but he’s basically exactly what you think someone who calls themself a “whaboom” would be like. This guy is basically Axe Bodyspray and a RompHIM personified.
The First Cocktail Party
Josiah kicks things off by opening up to Rachel and sharing some of his story. So far, this guy seems like the real deal. I’m not sure how it’s all landing with Rachel yet, but he seems like he’s in it for a deep run given her desire for the men to “keep it 100”. Then, the producers begin to weave in shots of Adam Junior, AJ’s My Buddy doll thing. The cutaways of the doll were pretty funny on their own, but then he gets his own interviews and was given a voice which apparently speaks French – at this point I’m laughing out loud – well done, ABC. I give you guys a hard time for pretty much everything, but credit where credit is due.
As is Bachelor/ette tradition, the cocktail party drags well into the night/early morning with the gentlemen beginning to get pretty slammered. Before long, we see 5 guys trying to speak with Rachel at the same time and Lucas begging for attention with his megaphone. Bryan lands the first impression rose thanks to his aggressive kissing style and Spanish skillz. Rachel has has a tremendous premiere up until this point in my opinion but I don’t love this selection. She gets a pass on night one, but we do see previews of future aggressive Bryan kisses – so he’s apparently hanging around for a bit.
Producer Roses are Definitely a Thing
It’s time for Rachel’s first rose ceremony and the bourbon fueled tension is palatable. With so many guys this season, they move through the roses pretty quickly, and nothing too shocking if you ask me. The guys who seemed like bad fits got a quick trip back to LAX and the Whaboom (Lucas) got the last rose of the evening. Gotta love that manufactured drama! I’m honestly not sure how long he’ll stick around – he’s the wrong kind of villain (the annoying type) whereas Lee appears to be our designated guy who is “not here to make friends” for the next couple of weeks.
Who Goes Home Week 1
We bid farewell to Mohit, Rob, Kyle, Blake K, Grant, Milton and Jedidiah. Maybe someone else? Who knows – it’s too early in the season to get names straight. #realtalk
It has come to my attention that ABC has removed pieces of a few contestants bios that were apparently objectionable. Kenny and Bryan’s lurid pasts were removed from ABC.com because I guess it wasn’t in line with their family values. Oh, so THIS is the line, ABC? Get real- you have an entire episode dedicated to your bachelor(ette) hooking up with 3 people. Bryce transphobic remarks were also removed- this I have less of an issue with, but really someone needs to do a better job screening this stuff. Click here for ABC’s Response
If you haven’t already taken a look at our full analysis of all 31 guys, you can check that out here
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