In case you’ve been standing all alone in a vineyard, ABC is hosting a weekly Bachelorette Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors each week by guessing whether or not Neil Lane makes an appearance. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
This is it, Bachelorette Nation, the moment of truth. We have one last episode, and it looks to be a doozy. Three full hours on Monday will be devoted to two Fantasy Suites, two rose ceremonies, two broken hearts, and if Rachel is merciful, only one proposal. But who will it be? As it turns out, the Fantazie Suite has some thoughts on that…
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
TRUE OR FALSE: Rachel receives more than one proposal.
Analysis: Imagine being the second-place guy on the Bachelorette. Getting through every hoop, making it past all the dumb challenges, and picking out a ring, only to be sent packing right at the very end? That can’t be easy. The one saving grace is that by the time you get to the point where it’s only you and one other guy, the Bachelorette actually cares enough about you as a human being to stop you before you go through the added embarrassment of actually spitting out, “Will you marry me?”
Rachel has been real and to the point all season long. She cuts guys when they need to be cut, she isn’t going to mince words, and she hasn’t made anybody go way out on an emotional limb unless she was at least willing to meet them halfway out there. The finale would be a really bad time for her to change that routine.
Bet: FALSE. She’ll stop the runner-up before he gets on one knee.
TRUE OR FALSE: Jewelry designer Neil Lane presents engagement rings in this episode.
Analysis: Neil Lane has shown up for every Bachelor and Bachelorette finale episode but one since Jillian in 2009. The only exception was Juan Pablo’s season, and we totally understand why Neil wanted no part of that train wreck. If he doesn’t show up, something horrible must have happened. Our top suspects would be Jared and Kay.
What color dress does Rachel wear at the final rose ceremony? Red, Black, Silver, Blue
Analysis: This is the final shot of the ad for Monday’s episode:
Bet: Silver, and thanks ABC as always for the freebie!
TRUE OR FALSE: Rachel’s dog, Copper, joins her in Spain.
Analysis: We last saw Copper in Dallas during Peter’s date (his third date with dogs, and his seventeenth date that involved adorable little children). There’s no way that Copper would be made to take the twelve hour flight across the ocean to Spain. The little guy’s still recovering from that broken leg!
TRUE OR FALSE: Rachel and a bachelor take a dip in a hot tub during their final week in Spain.
Analysis: We still have two different Fantasy Suite dates to get through, so our inclination is to give a thumbs up to hot tubs. But there have only been two weeks this entire season where Rachel’s put on a bathing suit, and it seems weird to make it a part of the last week, when all of the focus is on that final rose and #rightreasons and #foreverlove. We don’t think it’s happening again.
Which bachelor receives Rachel’s final rose?
Analysis: Let’s think about this one: We’re two weeks removed from Eric’s Fantasy Suite date, and it doesn’t make much narrative sense to put both Peter and Bryan’s last dates in the same episode as the final rose unless they’re the final two. Eric’s the Bachelor who’s grown on us the most, and we’ll be sad to see when his heart gets broken at about the 40-minute mark, but he’s out.
We know that Peter gets past the first rose ceremony because he gets to go on a date to some random church, where a monk asks him what his thoughts on marriage are.
And he’s clearly the better choice, even if he’s making it seem like he doesn’t want to propose. He’s gotten a better edit all season long as a good partner (see: dogs and adorable children), and Rachel’s family really likes him- something she puts a lot of stock in. Rachel’s last words in this video from hometowns are “I just pray that he will be asking for my hand in marriage.” That speaks more toward Peter’s situation than Bryan’s.
The one thing that’s holding us back from calling Peter a lock for the final rose comes from this interview Rachel gave to Bachelor superfan Paul Scheer. She hesitates to hint at anything at all that might happen during the season, but the one clue she eventually gives is that she “didn’t judge a book by its cover.” While Peter and Eric were pretty likeable from the first time they showed up on camera, Rachel admitted to her friends that she thought Bryan was a slimy douchebag at first (go with that instinct, girl!). We think Rachel’s ignoring Bryan’s “cover” because she thinks the sex scenes will be hot, but good erotica doesn’t generally include Oedipal tendencies. Will Bryan last beyond the Fantasy Suite?
Bet: … … Peter. But we’re not confident with that pick at all!
Fake, But Fun Bets:
TRUE OR FALSE: Dean, Alex, and Adam got a buy 2 get 1 free deal on their Men Tell All jackets.
Analysis: Are they just making jackets out of carpet padding these days?
We don’t understand these, but we love them, particularly Alex’s. Keep it up with the questionable fashion choices, boys!
TRUE OR FALSE: Dean will be the next Bachelor.
Analysis: One of the guys on the Men Tell All episode always gets the “Next Bachelor Edit” — his own clip package, a segment to sit on the couch and talk through his getting dumped, and lots of adoring applause from the studio audience. Last week’s MTA was all about Dean. Despite the weirdly swooping hair and the formal camouflage top, the crowd ate him up.
We don’t want to question the benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent Chris Harrison, but Dean seems like a terrible choice for Bachelor. He’s young, he’s not good at talking about his feelings on camera, and he seems like he might not be the kind of guy who wants to settle down just yet. Remember that he said in his initial online bio that he called marriage “…an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.” Don’t do this, ABC.
Bet: Unless something (else) goes terribly wrong when he’s on Paradise, TRUE
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