Before you say anything, yes, this is like 2 weeks late. After Rachel’s 3 hour slog to settling, we here at The Fantazie Suite were in no mental state to write anything funny about Bachelor in Paradise AKA BIP. I’m happy to report that after some time away, we’re ready to jump back in. Since BIP is a bit of a bastardized version of Bachelor, our recaps will likely follow suit and be a bit less formal.
In terms of schedule – as you probably know, during The Bachelor and Bachelorette, we get recaps up within minutes of the episode ending. Since this is shaping up to be 4 hours a week, we’re going to spread out the recaps a bit but honestly, we’re all sort of hate-watching this, aren’t we?
Welcome to Paradise
We begin our journey in paradise with Chris Harrison welcoming the cast one by one. We have plenty of familiar faces; Raven, Iggy, Dean, Kristina, etc. There honestly isn’t anything that interesting going on here. Basically we’re watching the cast’s collective BAC rise minute by minute.
We do find out though that Amanda, the mother of two who made it to Ben Higgins’s hometowns, who got engaged to well-established emotional abuser and pizza-lover Josh Murray during last season’s Paradise, who’s single and back on Paradise, whose main descriptive characteristic according to everybody else is that she’s a “such a good mother” (footage not found), confessed that she had applied to some version of “celebrity Tinder” and gotten wait-listed. What?
Oh, and I don’t want to forget to mention that Iggy is still the worst. He pretty much complained about everyone the whole time. I think we’re caught up on this part.
Blow the Whistle
The duo at the center of the controversy, Demario and Corinne, arrive and things get going pretty quickly. DeMario is busy doing his best Too $hort impression with a whistle and is annoying everyone except for Corinne. I guess she finds this charming and the two of them are shown drinking at the bar, and then headed over to the pool behind an interview with Alex. I’m pretty sure the carmera crew just told him to stand there to make it look like they were filming him because there is no way anyone cares what he has to say. The shot gets cut off relatively quickly, so we don’t know if this was when there were potential issues or not. More to come on this.
Dean and Kristina
Dean and Kristina find some alone time and no joke, Dean’s opener is “so, I hear you’re an orphan”. DUDE. Seriously? He’s mumbles about both of them having horrible childhoods or something so I guess that means they should be together or something. Dean, what the heck?
Robbie and his 12-pack
Robbie arrives – goofy hair and aggressive beard in tow. I’m sorry, I just don’t get the whole Robbie thing. It blew my mind how long he lasted with JoJo and here he is, back again. He goes on a date with Raven and at first it seems like she may be into him. They ride around on jet skis and appear to be having a great time. However, when they get back to the group, Raven unloads on Robbie to the other girls and it’s pretty much everything. She wants him to stop working out because his abs are terrifying. A 6 pack is ok with her, but he has like 12. The kicker is that he talked to her about he’s now an “influencer”. EWWW! Come on Robbie! I guess he’s hawking Fit Tea or whatever now and wants to get her to join his “team”. Kudos to ABC for updating his chyron (below)
Matt and Jasmine
The evening wraps up with Matt and Jasmine going on a date to a drag bar. They seem to enjoy each other’s company. I have nothing to add here. The date was fine – moving on.
The Shut Down
We knew this was coming a mile away – from the stories over the summer to the multiple serious chats we’ve already had with Chris Harrison already in this episode. We’re watching the cast mingling when all of a sudden, the cameras are laid down and someone steps in front of the screen and does his best Jon Taffer impression, telling the crew to “Shut it down!”. The cast is sort of stunned and then we fade to black. At this point, and not shown on camera, everyone went home only to return in 2 weeks – and in TV time, the next night.
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