Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Boy oh boy, this schedule is clearly taking a toll on me but fear not, we’re going to push through! Luckily, if we’re being honest, not that much is happening so I should be able to fill everyone in if you don’t have 4 hours a week to dedicate to this.
Welcome back, Adam (And Adam Jr)
We get the episode started with Adam arriving in paradise and within 5 minutes, he’s already said more words on camera than he did in, what, 8 weeks of Rachel’s season of “The Bachelorette”? He gets a date card and lets us know that he’s interested in Raven (who is sort of with Ben Z) and Kristina (who is sort of with Dean). But nope! The producers definitely don’t manipulate the cast.
Dean checks in with the ladies to see if they would be interested in a date before choosing. Both say that they are but Kristina seems especially eager to get off the Dean train given his all-around flakiness. Adam ultimately chooses Raven which makes Ben Z and Robbie immediately butt-hurt and leaves Kristina confused and disappointed. Us too, Kristina. At this point, we get a hot take from Jack Stone on Dean. His analysis is that Dean is great if you’re in middle school but not so much if you’re an adult. Is it shade if it’s 100% accurate?
While all this is going on, Iggy is seen working out with Alex. At one point, he tells Alex, “I’m super impressed how jacked you are”. Weird. He probably would have been better served using this energy to meet more of the women, but to be fair, Alex is pretty yolked.
Adam and Raven’s date
Adam and Raven begin their date with some light chit chat. At this time we get some cutaways to Ben Z who is beside himself. He can’t believe Raven is on a date with Adam – I mean, they both have dogs, they are obviously soul mates. Anyhow, Raven and Adam get back to their date and seem to be having a nice, easy-going hang. They turn things up a notch when they participate in some street dancing – classic Bachelor move to fill airtime on low-budget dates. Adam and Raven kiss and that’s pretty much the date. #yawn
The First Rose Ceremony!
FINALLY. We have 12 guys and 8 women with the men on the chopping block. As we’re prepping for the ceremony, the cast discusses who they they will choose whom. Ben Z takes this opportunity to remind Raven that he has a dog. We get it, you have a dog.
Adam steals Raven away and asks her to salsa dance with him again. I’m immediately bored until he goes in for a kiss like a boss. Nice work. Robbie, on the other hand, has the moves of a nerdy 15 year old. He asks Amanda for a kiss (ugh!) and she flatly tells him “no” (double ugh!). I’m pretty sure his black button up shirt with a turquoise bow tie are helping his cause. Had he served her some popcorn at a movie theater, she would have looked less confused.
Amanda then informs Alex what all of us already knew, that she wasn’t giving him his rose. In a truly pathetic move, he makes the rounds to the other 7 women lobbying for a rose. Not a good look and unfortunately, Iggy doesn’t have a rose.
On to the actual ceremony! Adam pulls Raven’s rose which means Ben Z is basically pooping his pants right now. Danielle, being the sweetheart that she is, eases his mind and gives him a rose because she thinks that he deserves it. Amanda has the final rose and gives it to Robbie which is just kind of weird, but whatever. The odd men out are Alex, Iggy, Vinny and Nick. It should not have taken 3 nights but we finally separated the wheat from the chaff.
Danielle L aka D-Lo?
The next day, we get another new face to Paradise, Danielle L. Everyone is calling her D-Lo, so I guess this is a thing? As she walks in, all of the men do their best impression of Ice Cube and Chris Tucker from Friday.
Danielle (because I refuse to call her D-Lo) chats with all the guys but lands on Dean as who she’d like to take on a date. Kristina is super pissed at this point.
On their date, they go riding ATVs through the woods then enjoy some light snacks afterwards. An interesting theme in this episode is all the shade being thrown at Nick V. Earlier, Alexis called him “the worst bachelor ever”. During the date, Dean tells Danielle that he thought Nick was boring. I’m kind of surprised this wasn’t edited out but maybe the producers hate Nick as much as the rest of us?
Half-birthdays aren’t a thing
After Dean and Danielle’s relatively uneventful date, Dean pulls Kristina aside to have a chat. Things seem to be settling down between them…for like a minute. The next scene is on the beach at a bonfire with the cast hanging out together. Dean rolls up wit ha cake for Danielle’s “half-birthday”. He makes a speech about how it’s important to celebrate half-birthdays for people with birthdays around Christmas. Even Danielle seems a bit confused but at this point, Kristina (rightfully) storms off and is brought to tears. Dean is acting like a total bozo and frankly she’s too good for him.
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