As you can tell, I’m spreading this out longer than ABC decided to. Trying to cram 18 hours of content into 5 weeks is downright cruel. This is especially true given how downright unwatchable 90% of this season of Bachelor in Paradise has been so far. Anyhow – I’ll be finishing the season over the next couple of weeks, and for anyone who also has a backlog on their DVR, I’ll be doing the lord’s work for you – trust me.
Sarah Joins Paradise
Sarah, yet another Nick Viall casualty, joins the cast to “find love” in paradise. I really liked Sarah during Nick’s season. She always struck me as someone who was way too good for him. Granted, this an unbelievably low bar, but she came off as the type of person you say things like “she doesn’t need to go on TV to find someone” about.
Sarah has a date card and makes a beeline for Adam. Apparently, they cuddled during the production shutdown. All the women take up the cause of their queen bee, Raven and begin aggressively selling Ben to Sarah. To Sarah’s credit she does chat with Ben and hears all about his dog for what feels like an eternity. She picks Adam and if we learned anything from Nick’s season, Adam may want to tread lightly with Raven unless he wants a stiletto in his ear.
Sarah and Adam’s Date
This date is incredibly boring and I won’t make you waste the time I wasted watching it. They had food, they danced and seemed to get along ok. Good? Good. The only things that was interesting during this segment were the cuts back to the bar with Wells and Danielle chatting. They made one of those “if we’re not married by…” pacts which was an incredibly heavy-handed foreshadowing edit. Classic ABC.
Lacey Boo Hoos
In what has become a recurring theme, Lacey is moping about how she’s never been on a 1:1 date. Magically, in the next moment she receives a date card to use as she sees fit. Not so magically, she goes around to each of the men asking them if they went on a date, would it be as just friends? Ben and Matt make it immediately clear that they are permanent residents of the “friend zone”. Thankfully (for Lacey) Diggy seems excited and agrees to join her for a date.
Diggy and Lacey’s Date
The couple’s date turns out to be with our old friend and Paradise bartender, Jorge! Jorge leads the couple on a horseback ride to a secluded beach where they enjoy the scenery for a bit, They dismount and sit down together on the beach. Oddly, Jorge isn’t leaving and it’s clear this is going to be one of those “zaney” Bachelor scenes. Jorge eventually leaves, they talk a bit and make out some. And yeah, that’s about it. Yawn.
We get another ultra staged scene with Wells and Danielle at this time. She tells Wells that she’s thinking about going home since she didn’t meet anyone, and can’t date Wells! Lolz. Wells tells her that she is too good for him. Try harder ABC.
With Dominique’s arrival, we get yet another Nick Viall cast-off. Or as we call them here at The Fantazie Suite, survivors. Right after arriving, she catches up with old pal, Taylor. Taylor goes wayyy out of her way to tell her all about Diggy. Lacey, rightfully, is distraught because only a few TV moments later (and as we learn later less than an hour of “real” time), Diggy has his second 1:1 date of the day with Dominique. Taylor takes it upon herself to talk with Lacey to make sure she’s ok, but we all see through this and can confirm that Taylor is still basically the worst. For anyone who didn’t watch Nick’s season, Taylor and Corinne (remember her?!) were rivals. Taylor somehow managed to make Corinne look ok by the end of the season so that should tell you what we’re working with.
Dominique and Diggy’s date was so low rent, it’s not getting its own header. They basically just made out on a couch and then moved the action to a hot tub. The End.
ABC Finally Pays off the Danielle and Wells Tension!
As teased all episode, Danielle is leaving “Paradise” and is saying her goodbyes. She saves her last goodbye for Wells and it actually seems like they may like each other. Like, for real! They chit-chat a bit and Wells offers to walk her out. Just as she’s going to get into her car, her and Wells share what amounts to be the least cringe-worthy kiss of the season too far. Clunky execution by ABC but nice to see two genuinely likable people (which is saying a lot for this series) find each other.
Time for Another Talk with Chris Harrison
It’s back to the studio for a very special last 30 minutes of “Bachelor in Paradise”. We begin with a chat about the shutdown with the cast. They talk about being “blindsided” and concerned about how DeMario’s name will show up after all of this. They also claim to be concerned about Corinne but I got the sense that they kind of weren’t.
We take a time out to talk with the Bachelor in Paradise newlyweds – Evan and Carly. ABC gives us a montage of their married life – essentially a poor man’s “Stars, they’re just like US!”. Chris Harrison quips that Evan finding Carly gives others hope. That’s a pretty mean thing to say, Harrison. Evan may be a weirdo, but I’m pretty sure most women would prefer him to Nick V (the maybe sociopath) or Juan (it’s ok) Pablo. Don’t even get me started on Jef. This segment is wrapped up with a pregnancy reveal and an on-stage ultrasound which felt super inappropriate – which is saying something.
DeMario Gets a Chance to Speak
The episode wraps up with a conversation with DeMario. He recounted that in the moment when things were shutting down, he was very confused. He didn’t know what was wrong and was told it was a 3rd party who complained about him and Corinne. Next we were treated with a montage of all of the news coverage which vilified him and clearly still really bothers him to watch. They discussed all the things that were written about him and how untrue it all was. DeMario let us know that the cast really has supported him throughout which is nice to hear. It was a combination of “family, friends and Kanye West” which got him through the ordeal. We ended things here, but I just hope that DeMario and Corinne can both find some peace after all of this.
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