In case you’ve been driving around in a circle (or dipping a toe into the Scottsdale real estate market) for the past couple years, ABC is starting up again with a weekly Bachelor Fantasy League. Join us here every week as we try to guess which terrible racing pun ABC won’t stoop to.
Oh Bachelor nation, it’s that time of year again! The roses have been trimmed, the rosé has been chilled, the mansion has been disinfected (for now), and 29 women are just waiting to be paraded in front of a blandly good-looking Ken Doll for the first time, as we look forward to the twenty-second installment of America’s favorite weird courtship ritual. The Bachelor is back on Monday!!!!!
We here at the Fantazie Suite couldn’t be more excited that you’ve joined us (well, maybe if they had gone with Eric), and we hope that you’ll continue to check in every week as we read the Twitter tea leaves to help you place your bets in the Bachelor Fantasy League.
A note on spoilers- no, we don’t read them. Our only sources are the official promotional material put out by ABC’s social media geniuses and years of experience on the couch, arguing about what makes “good tv.” The journey is much less exciting when you know where you’re going. So don’t worry that we know something you don’t know. Well, we do, but you know what we mean. Anyway, let’s look at the Week One bets!
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
TRUE OR FALSE: Arie gets down on one knee during a bachelorette’s limo arrival.
Analysis: Would you look at that? ABC starts the season off right with a free ten points!
Arie does NOT receive which of the following as a gift during the limo arrivals? ‘Nice Butt’ bumper sticker, Gratitude rock, Racing flag, Tacos
Analysis: If you’ve seen any of the commercials, you know that they’re leaning hard into the “Arie was a race car driver” thing. One girl (Maquel?) pulls up in the back of a Formula One car…
…another girl (Brittany T) challenges him to a power wheels race during the cocktail hour…
The racing flag is definitely happening.
See what we mean?
The “gratitude rock” is from “The Secret,” which is only slightly less relevant than Arie was himself before the producers dug him up in Scottsdale. It could either come from Krystal, who “found her purpose” as a physical therapist or Bibiana, who wishes she “could be art.”
The other two are more of a tossup. A bumper sticker would fit in with Arie’s racing past, and ABC would never shy away from mentioning the Bachelor’s butt. On the other hand, it’s always funny watching the Bachelor as he’s forced to eat something that’s been sitting in a limo for at least an hour. Maybe one of the “home cooks.” will bring a taco, but it seems like a little too much innuendo for the Family Network. We say bumper sticker.
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelorette leaves the show before the Rose Ceremony.
Analysis: It’s always one of our favorite things to watch: a contestant has spent the past month not eating so that she looks killer in that cocktail dress, only she has one too many heavy pours once they get into the mansion. If this was a season of the Bachelorette, we’d put it at 50-50 that someone goes home early, but the move for the girls is usually to pull a Corinne and “fall asleep” before Chris Harrison can clink his glass. This isn’t happening.
What advice does Arie receive from “baby Samuel” (son of former Bachelor Sean Lowe and wife Catherine)? Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, Don’t kiss and tell, Be a gentleman, Don’t do all the talking
Analysis: There was a time when The Bachelor would get down on one knee and “propose,” they would disappear, six months later we would read in Us Weekly that they had broken up, and we’d never have to think of them again. We would rather Sean and Catherine be that couple. Instead, ABC is insisting that this journey could actually end up with a lasting relationship, and they’re throwing Sean/Catherine, Jade/Tanner, and Carly/Evan down our throats at every opportunity, with an ever growing number of children between them. It’s sickening.
Anyway, Sean and Arie were on the same season, so we guess we have to listen to what baby Samuel has to say. The advice Arie really needs is more like, “Don’t grab the girls by the back of the head every time you kiss them- it starts hot but quickly becomes a hostage situation.” But Samuel’s a baby, so maybe he’ll just stare into Arie’s creepy eyes and it’ll be interpreted as advice.
Bet: Don’t do all the talking.
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelorette takes a dip in a hot tub with Arie during this episode.
Analysis: It’s a very ABC thing to keep putting this bet in every week, no matter what. We’re sure to get plenty of hot tub action this season (and a makeout session on a jet ski!), but not on night one.
Who wows Arie and receives the First Impression Rose?
Analysis: There are waaaaaay too many women on this season to try to narrow it down just yet. We’re just going to look at this promo and note that there seems to be a lot of screen time given over to Krystal, Bekah, Tia, and Sienne. Go with one of them.
Bet: (Re-reading our own preview, throwing a dart) Bekah. The short hair is kind of doing it for us.
Fake but fun bets:
Which will we see more of on night one: forced racing puns or uncomfortably aggressive kissing?
Analysis: As hard as ABC is leaning on the “Arie used to be a race car driver” thing, they’re also reminding us (and reminding us, and reminding us) that he was known as the “kissing bandit” during season on the Bachelorette. Like most Bachelors, Arie really likes kissing, and we’re pretty sure we’ll be subjected to a lot of it. For every PowerWheels race around the back drive, there will be a girl dressed up as a bandit.
This bet is going to come down to a photo finish. See what we did there?
Bet: Racing puns. They’re just so easy!
TRUE or FALSE: One of the girls is able to correctly pronounce Luyendyk.
Analysis: That’s impossible. Did you know that that’s the Anglicized spelling of Arie’s ancestral name? Back in the Netherlands, they spell it Luijendijk. Our point is, that name is made up, and nobody’s going to attempt to call him anything but Arie on night one.
What do Arie’s eyes most remind you of? A placid mountain lake, a Siberian husky puppy, one of the Hemsworths, the Night King.
Winter is here.
Bet: Protect your dragons!
- Read our full bio analysis of all 29 bachelorettes + Arie HERE
- Check out our “Right Reasons” t-shirt on Amazon HERE
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