Happy New Year and Happy Janu-Arie! It’s great to be back after an unsatisfying end to Rachel’s Bachelorette season and a pretty unwatchable BIP season. Like the beginning of a new year, we’re full of hope for what is ahead of us over the next 11ish weeks. With Arie in the driver’s seat (see what I did there!), it should, at the very least, be an interesting ride. It’s night 1 of the Bachelor so you know the drinks are flowing and the regrets are mounting.
The “Arie is a good guy looking for love” Package
There are a number of things that you can set your watch to in this series. Rose Ceremonies, silly professions, “the most dramatic _____ ever!”, etc. One of my favorites is the package ABC puts together of the new Bachelor. Here’s what it typically includes: footage of their photoshoot, running on the beach (shirtless of course), and looking pensively at the horizon wondering if they’ll find love. This time, since it’s been since the first Obama administration that we’ve seen Arie, we got an extended walk down memory lane from Emily’s season. It was the “see, we told you he was on this show!” treatment (but still got a stare into the horizon as the opening shot of the season with some behind the scenes photoshoot footage later on – ABC couldn’t help themselves)
Sean and Catherine stop by because – honestly who else is going to give him advice at this point? Juan Pablo? Recently single Nick Viall? Sean awkwardly uses his son as a puppet and tells Arie to respect women. Thanks for that, Sean.
The Limo Arrivals
Before we jump in, I have to say that I think ABC may want to walk away from Arie’s nickname “The kissing bandit”. I don’t think I need to go into too much detail as to why it hasn’t aged well over the past half-decade (see: basically all of 2017). This franchise is already has enough problematic stuff going on with it – so let’s maybe let this one die.
We gets things started with a parade of women in the real estate industry and things are looking pretty normal. Tia brings everything back down to the appropriate level by making a dick joke (because she’s from Weiner Arkansas – get it?!?). If she wasn’t friends with Raven from Nick V’s season, I’d swear the producers cast her just to make that (bad) joke.
A few of the other lowlights from the arrivals – Brittane put a bumper sticker on Arie’s butt, Ali made him smell her arm pit (aka a Pit Stop) and countless other references to Arie’s racing career. We get it, he was a racecar driver! Oh, and there are like 4 Laurens which is a really big deal I guess?
The First Cocktail Party
Chelsea “steals” Arie first and immediately seems like she’s going to be trouble. Not racist Lee trouble, but the fun Tiara brand. She lets us know that she’s not a “rude person” which is what people say who actually are a disaster.
Maquel jumps in and wants to take a funny picture with Arie, but it turns out he has an absolutely terrible “silly face”. His silly face looks like a mix between Blue Steel and a stroke. Red Flag, ladies!
In a predictably heavy-handed move, Brittany “steals” Arie for a race in some children’s Power Wheels. After what is remarkably a funny segment, she snags the first kiss of the season. The women begin to stir.
Jenna is…well…Jenna is insane. She busts out a pedicure machine, then is talking about wanting to smell great things and I guess she gets a lot of free food? She’s apparently a “Social Media Manager” and I can tell you objectively these are not part of the day-to-day for someone with that title.
The First Impression Rose
The First impression rose arrives via Chris Harrison and the women who haven’t had time with Arie yet begin to panic. In a classic Bachelor villain move, Chelsea jumps at the opportunity to get a second meeting with Arie. Not only does she steal him away again, but she goes in for a passionate kiss. Guuuurl – you’re going to at least week 4 now. #ProducerRoses
We know she’s at least going to week two because she gets the first impression rose. Villain status = complete. To be honest, and correct me if i’m wrong – but the first impression roses are typically not that controversial and often people who will stick around for a while. This makes me think we may have a Vienna situation on our hands, people.
The First Rose Ceremony
There are so many damn women, it’s hard to keep track. What I’d like to actually know is which one of these 29 will be the first to be hawking Fit Tea on Instagram this week?
This week we are saying goodbye to Amber, Jessica, Brittane, Bri, Ali, Lauren J, Olivia, and Nysha. It was hard to follow over the women weeping about not finding their husband after 12 or so hours on primetime television. I did feel bad for Jessica who told Arie that her father had passed away but he actually had met him before – so there was a chance her dad met her future husband. Boy, oh boy is that a lot of pressure to deal with. It sucks, but if Arie wasn’t feeling it, good on him to let her go early.
It should be a great season – we have one confirmed villain (Chelsea) and at least another potential one (Krystal) – along with some big personalities that should provide some early season comic relief. I hope you’ll join us each week as we go on this journey together – let us know what you thought of the premiere in the comments and follow us on Facebook and Twitter!
- See how we did with our Week 1 predictions HERE
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