Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! After a bit of a slow start in week 1, things definitely got dialed up a notch with an early-season hometown date and what has to be the most dangerous group date in 22 seasons of The Bachelor. Hopefully the producers don’t try to one up last week with hand to hand combat. Oh wait.
Fighting for the Ring
Chris Harrison rolls up and welcomes the women to what is shaping up to be a big week 3. He lets the ladies know that like last week, that time with Arie will be at a premium. This is clearly some heavy-handed foreshadowing of hurt feelings by the producers. After delivering the date card, we find out that the first date will be a group date “in the ring”.
The women show up to a wrestling arena with Chris Harrison doing his best Michael Buffer and introducing Arie, “The Kissing Bandit”. Seriously, ABC – I’m not sure what I have to do to get through to you, but this nickname is really gross. It may have flown during the aught’s, but in 2018 it’s a bit tone deaf.
Two of the women from the original GLOW (gorgeous ladies of wrestling) show up to coach the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor, or GLOB (ew). During the training, the coaches trash talk the women to toughen them up or whatever with Bibiana and Tia taking exception. If you asked me which two women would break down during this date – they’d probably the last two I’d guess.
Kenny “The Pretty Boy Pitbull” King vs The Kissing Bandit
Kenny shows up to wrestle Arie and seriously, can the winner finish out the season? Unfortunately Arie prevails even though I’m pretty sure he pooped his pants when Kenny took his robe off.
The women take their turns in the ring with varying results. Some got a little too into it (Krystal) while others were oddly sexual (Marikh and Lauren B). All in all it was an ok group date and it doesn’t appear anyone was injured.
The group then moves to an RV park for the evening portion of the date – which is sort of odd. Even odder is that one of the women asked Tia if she felt at home there (this got glossed over during the broadcast but hachi machi – that’s a shitty thing to say). Krystal takes the first 1:1 time, because, of course she did. Arie then meets with the rest of the women around the RV park for their chats. My favorite line of the night was Bekah telling Arie that her and her ex went their different ways – all I could think of was that she is talking about college. In spite of this, she receives the date rose and the ire of the other women.
Wine Country and Lauren S.
This week’s 1:1 date features Lauren S. They meet up at the airport and are flown up to Napa to visit Hall Winery. What ensues has to be some of the worst conversation in Bachelor franchise history (which is an unbelievably low bar). They talked about how they liked wine, and how Arie likes wearing cardigans and going to bed early. Awesome.
Lauren S and Arie sit down to dinner and it’s obvious that Arie is muscling through the conversation. I’m pretty sure that every interaction Arie has with one of these women is him just waiting for an opening to begin a make out sesh. Tonight, that opening never came. At one point, we see Arie eating his dinner which tells you how bored he was. It had to be pretty bad for him to eat hours-old prop-steak. After listening to Lauren S’s verbal diarrhea about her family, Arie gives her the boot.
Side note, do we think they sent her home commercial from Napa, or did she have to ride back to LA in a different section of the private plane so that she could grab her luggage before she headed home? These are the important things we think about.
Best in Show
Our second group date of the evening is a dog show. ABC brought in Fred Willard who was in the movie “Best in Show” to commentate with Chris Harrison. He’s also on ABC’s hit series “Modern Family” so this was an easy get for the producers, and we know how much the producers love easy gets.
For as easy as it was to cast this date, they must have been working overtime when casting Annaliese and planning her arc because they managed to get 2 crippling childhood fears in 2 weeks out of her. Last week was bumper cars and this week is dogs. She recounts a story of being attacked as a child which would have been enough. Oh no- not for ABC. They worked in what has to be the most over the top fake flashback in network history – I’m actually sort of impressed. The rest of the event is pretty forgettable so I’ll save you some time and just move on.
An Evening not at an RV Park
The evening portion of the date kicks off with, surprise, Chelsea getting some 1:1 time. Did you know that she’s a mom?! I super don’t care about her story and she’s definitely not winning. This date is full of so many weird moments. Jenna is here and who else forgot that she was still on the show? Big ups to her aggressive style though – she knows what it takes to get that rose. Annaliese tries to connect with Arie but gets put squarely in the friend zone. At the end of the night, Chelsea…CHELSEA?! gets the date rose! Ugh.
The Cocktail Party
Bibiana sets up a “private” date area that Arie (with an obvious producer assist) discovers and brings no less than 3 other women to. When Bibiana walks up and finds him making out with Lauren B there, it’s everything. Bibiana’s “private” “cabana” was neither of those words. And Arie treated it like the coat room at a high school party, much to Bekah’s delight. She knows that territory well, and she’s really good at this game. To quote Arie, “You’re kinda nailing the… nailing the… nailing it.”Arie continues to make out with pretty much everyone in sight in various corners of the mansion grounds with Jenna winning the award for making the most of her short time this week by cutting to the chase and literally jumping on top of Arie (again).
Annaliese steals Arie away and tries to finally land the kiss she’s been gunning for all week. What happens next is unbelievable. Arie, in a night where he is kissing women I can’t even place as being on this show, says that “he’s not there” with Annaliese yet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, ARIE?! What’s worse is that when she goes back for a second try, he sends her home. I just don’t know what this guy is looking for at this point. Perhaps 2 Tragic Personal Stories in 2 weeks was flying too close to the sun.
The Rose Ceremony
Since Arie has gotten rid of 2 (great) women already, he only has one more to say goodbye to tonight. In a truly savage move, Bibiana gets sent home after setting up the romantic “cabana” area and apparently not getting to use it. The crew was short handed this week I guess and needed some help? We should have seen this coming but part of me feels sorry for Bibiana. I’m pretty sure we’ll see her again in Paradise but we’ll see you all next week!
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