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Two more nights, Bachelor Nation. Three short hours (then 2 more…), and then we won’t have to hide from the spoilers anymore. Arie is about to do… whatever it was that made Caroline so angry last week, and on Wednesday morning we can finally walk through the supermarket checkout line, even indiscriminately Google names like Becca and Lauren B without the fear that we’ll ruin the rest of the season forever. And seriously, Caroline was so upset on Women Tell All last week, it’s almost all we can do to NOT just jump on a gossip site and read all of the news that’s already out there. It’s driving us crazy! Anyway, let’s see what TV Guide is teasing us with for the last two nights of Arie’s Journey:
Monday: In the Season 22 finale, Arie prepares to make one of the most difficult choices of his life, having narrowed down the field to two women with whom he is madly in love—Becca K. and Lauren B.—and told both of them that he loves them. Both women meet his family before their last dates with him.
Tuesday: Arie, Becca and Lauren join host Chris Harrison to reflect on the season. Arie recalls the weeks in Peru with Becca and Lauren, including his unexpected decision that blindsided both of them. Special guests, including some of the provocative women from this season, Bekah M., Kendall, Seinne and Tia, also discuss Arie’s dilemma and his astonishing choices.
Monday night sounds agonizing. Arie can never, ever make up his mind, why should the finale be different? The man is basically Stupid Hamlet. He’s going to stare off into so many sunsets, you guys…
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
TRUE OR FALSE: An eliminated bachelorette comes to Peru for one last shot at love with Arie.
Analysis: We’re pretty sure the producers only had one extra ticket to Peru in their back pockets, and that one went to Ross last week. Besides, the final episode is always about the end of the journey and true love – they’ll spend all their time focusing on how conflicted Arie is.
On their last date in Peru, Arie and Lauren take a ride on a ________. Helicopter, Bus, Train, Tandem Bicycle
Analysis: The teaser for this episode shows Arie and Lauren making out (hard) on a train:
…but before they dropped that on Twitter, we were researching this on our own and found out that helicopters have been banned from Machu Picchu since 2010. Apparently, the noise was disturbing the spectacled bear and the red-plumed Andean cock-of-the-rock. We just wanted you to know that. And to say cock-of-the-rock in the column this week.
TRUE OR FALSE: Jewelry designer Neil Lane presents engagement ring options to Arie.
Analysis: Neil Lane has travelled to worse locations for ABC. He’ll be there.
Becca gifts Arie with which memento to mark their time together? A rose, A scrapbook, A watch, A ring
Analysis: A rose is too basic, a scrapbook has been done before, and a ring that isn’t a wedding band is a strange gift. Consider this:
- In an US Weekly interview last week, Arie admitted to being a watch guy.
- Look at the question: “mark their time together”? They’re getting cute.
- Our FantazieSuite co-writer and fellow “watch guy” noticed that Arie’s been wearing Shinola watches all season long. That seems like a promotional thing. It wouldn’t surprise us to see Becca slipping a bright new Shinola on his wrist. Perhaps this one!
Bet: Watch. He gave her shiny things during their first date, she’ll give him something shiny in return.
TRUE OR FALSE: Arie and a bachelorette take a dip in a hot tub during their final week in Peru.
Analysis: As we said above, this episode will be about Arie’s difficult decision, not about hot times in hot tubs. This season has been incredibly light on hot tub time, and this week won’t be any different.
Arie WOWs which bachelorette with a trip to Machu Picchu?
Analysis: We saw this shot waaaaay back on night one:
And if it wasn’t obvious enough that Becca’s too tall for Arie to loom over her like that, this turned up this week:
Meanwhile, Becca’s date looks like this:
How mad would you be if you were Becca, and the other girl was the one who got to go see the Nazca lines AND Machu Picchu?
Bet: Lauren. And speaking of Becca having the right to be upset…
Fake, But Fun Bets:
TRUE or FALSE there are worse places to hook up for the first time than Becca’s Fantasy Tent.
Analysis: Who on earth wants to share that first special moment with someone in a tent? And Becca’s post-coital wear did not take into account a picnic on a sand dune!
Bet: FALSE. And the bad Fantasy Suite was only the second-worst thing to happen to Becca last week…
On a scale from Saturday karaoke at the corner bar to a Lady Gaga world tour, how staged was Becca’s ex showing up?
Analysis: Were we supposed to believe that Becca’s ex, who she hadn’t talked to in a year, got on a plane to South America, picked the right hotel in a city of 200,000 people (in a country of 32 million), stopped at a florist for a nice bouquet, got miced up, and happened to knock on Becca’s door at a time that she already had a camera waiting on the other side for the reaction shot? Just a totally natural, every day coincidence, right? And this happened between Becca and her boyfriend from college, not the front runner Lauren and one of her two ex-fiancees?
Bet: Lady Gaga, But can you blame the producers for trying? Sometimes good TV takes a little elbow grease.
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