Well, here we are, Bachelor Nation! We’ve spent the last 9 weeks following Arie around the world in his quest for love and it’s time to land the plane. We made it through “Glam Shaming” and bowling in Fort Lauderdale. We even survived a trip to the Pizza Hut Arie used to work at in Scottsdale. At this point, I think I’m ready to put a bow on this season but if the previews and rumors are to be believed, ABC may have connected with a Hail Mary to pull this boring, boring season out of its death spiral. We have a 3 hour finale to endure together, so let’s get straight to the action!
Meeting Arie’s Parents
Let me lay it out there to begin – this is going to be a long night. That being said, I’m going to skip a lot of stuff because do you really care if Arie’s mom approves of Becca? Me neither.
Before the women visit with Arie’s family, we get some classic shots of Arie looking out into the distance. He’s considering his two paths forward and says what everyone has been thinking. Becca has laid her cards on the table – she’s a sure thing. Lauren, on the other hand, is more of an unknown – what Arie is saying here is that she doesn’t speak. This is not hyperbole, read for yourself all of Lauren’s 94 lines during the first 9 weeks of the season.
After this, we get to see the families meeting Becca and Lauren. Lauren’s visit is uneventful at best (sort of like her entire presence for the last 2 months). She’s nervous, she says three words, and she leaves. Arie says that she has “flashes” which is a weird way to say someone is boring. Becca comes around the next day and the weirdest part of this visit is Arie’s dad telling her that he’d be happy with either of the women. Uh, maybe not what you say in this situation but is anyone surprised given how Arie has been acting?
Lauren Visits Machu Picchu
On Lauren’s last date before the final rose, Arie lets her know that they’re visiting Machu Picchu. Not only is it one of the 7 Wonders of the World, but it’s also the most “basic” excursion ever. After whispering “I love this” to each other for a few minutes, they run off together to show how playful they actually are together. Gross.
The evening portion of the date is totally forgettable. Arie tells Lauren he loves her again, of course, and there is more whispering to one another. Whatever.
Becca’s Final Date
While Lauren got to visit one of the wonders of the world, Becca gets to feed alpacas. Like, legit this was the date. This is followed by some discussion that I already forgot.
After the date, they head back to Becca’s room for some #realtalk. She’s nervous, but really cares about Arie. Arie doesn’t want her to be “too much in her head” which has to be the most overused phrase this year after “I love this”. Becca finishes up the date by sharing a scrapbook that she (the producers) made for Arie.
Higgins and Mesnick
Meanwhile, we get our first interesting live commentary of the evening from Ben Higgins and Jason Mesnick. Why is this significant? Well Ben famously told JoJo and Lauren that he loved them both and now he’s single. Mesnick bailed on his engagement to pursue his runner up. ABC is nothing if not heavy handed. Any guesses as to what’s happening next???
First Out of the Limo
After a quick visit with Neil Lane, Arie is now ready to give out his final rose. As the first car pulls up, anticipation builds as this is traditionally the runner up. Lauren steps out first which means she’s about to ugly-cry. After letting her know that he’s not choosing her, Lauren tells Arie that she’s extremely confused and wishes him the best. Is it just me or did anyone else sense him holding back an “I love that”? Almost as bad, as they are saying goodbye, Lauren tells Arie that she still loves him to which he replies, “I love you too”. Wait, what? Oh for crying out loud – watching Arie date these women is like watching a car crash in slow motion. You can see what’s about to happen a mile away but have no idea how to stop it.
The Final-ish Rose
Welp, I guess this means Becca is going to get the final rose. Since ABC is terrible at building suspense, we know there is way more to this than the typical rose and proposal. Arie drops to one knee, busts out the Neil Lane ring and the triumphant music begins playing! This would be exciting if it weren’t for the hour left in the finale. The most awkward line was probably Arie telling her that he’ll “choose her everyday”. Somehow I feel like Arie is over-promising and about to under-deliver.
Arie Goes From “Full Higgins” to the “Juan Pablo Zone”
Boy oh boy is this last segment off to a bad start. After about 30 seconds of clips of the “happy couple”, we see some ominous shots of Arie walking in the rain. He tells us that he still thinks about Lauren and made a mistake. Yikes, bro. He’s wresting with how to tell Becca he’s breaking up with her. Here’s an idea – not live on “The Bachelor”.
As they sit down, Becca shows Arie her new tattoo. Oh please don’t tell me it says “Arie”. As indelicately as possible, Arie eases into what he’s thinking and why the relationship is not working for him. During their break up, Arie tells Becca that “the more he hung out with her, the less of a chance he’ll have with Lauren”. Uh, things you may think but don’t say. Arie also lets Becca know that he wants to take a chance with Lauren and never got over his heartbreak. My goodness, Arie – stop talking.
At this point, the show needed to end but we have 20 more minutes of watching Becca’s heartbreak in primetime. While the premise of this show is admittedly ridiculous and typically fun – this was way too real and way too painful. Becca did nothing wrong here and I can’t help but feel awful for her. Arie has now officially transitioned from the guy who was simply an aggressive kisser and maybe was a little loose with the “L” word to full on jackass. . Arie is now squarely in the Juan Pablo zone.
After another 10 minutes of watching Becca cry (which she doesn’t deserve), Arie finally takes the hint and gets the hell out after she tells him to not touch her. Wow. For the first time ever, I am actually excited to watch “After the Final Rose”. To be continued…
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