Oh Bachelor Nation, it’s that time again!!! If you’ve read the Fantazie Suite before, you’ll know that the beginning of the season is always our favorite – the contestants are at their most ridiculous and the cocktail parties stretch into the crisp Los Angeles morning.
This year, our overlords at ABC have decided to omit the Q&A from the bios, which is kind of bogus. We’re still holding out hope that they sold the exclusive rights to People magazine and we’ll eventually be gifted all of the guys’ hopes and (soon to be exploited) crippling fears. With that in mind, we’re going to focus on the guys that stood out the most because to be honest, they gave us way less material to work with. I guess this is the season ABC decides to take the show seriously.
Since honesty is the currency we deal in over here at the Fantazie Suite, I’m going to go ahead and say that Becca got a fairly pedestrian edit for the better part of Arie’s season. Yes, she had the first 1:1 date where she got to try on clothes with Rachel Zoe and was squarely in the front of the pack the whole way, but what did we really learn about her aside from the fact that she’s from Minnesota and has an ex?
Becca went on to “win” the season and accepted Arie’s proposal, which is where the story typically ends for at least a few months. Until an inevitable split and career as a “social media influencer.” What happened next was legitimately “dramatic” but more than that it was drawn out, cruel, and unnecessary. We were treated to roughly 45 minutes of Arie breaking off the engagement while Becca (justifiably) implored him to get out of her sight. Fast forward, Nick convinced Lauren to take him back after about 6 words then proposed to her in front of Becca “After the Final Rose”. After all of the wrongs done to Becca, it was actually nice to see her land the Bachelorette spot and quickly move the conversation away from Arie and Lauren back to her.
Becca is ready to “do the damn thing” (which has an outside chance of being overused as much as “Right Reasons”), and so are we!
Alex, Construction Manager, Atlanta, GA
This guy likes to “hit the slopes out west”. Give me a break. Does he also have a car phone and drink Alabama Slammers? I just get an 80s finance bro vibe from this guy.
Christon, Former Harlem Globetrotter, Los Angeles, CA
During the Facebook live intros, Chris Harrison tells us that “we didn’t call him by his given name for a while” …so maybe he sticks around? This may be the coolest profession on the show ever. It’s nuts but it’s legit. He needs to stick around to embarrass some of the guys on the court in front of Becca. Given that he now competes in dunk contests professionally, I’m really crossing my fingers for basketball group date.
Clay, Pro Football Player, Chicago, IL
We learn that Clay is a current NFL player during his preview which is partially true. He’s currently a free agent but has been playing since 2010 which is no small feat. Check out this Sports Illustrated article if you’d like to learn more about Clay.
Colton, Former Pro Football Player, Denver, CO
Colton being next to Clay with a similar profession isn’t quite fair as he and I have played in exactly the same number of NFL games (zero if it wasn’t obvious since you’re reading a Bachelor/ette blog…). That being said, he has a famous ex (Olympian Aly Raisman) and there was some drama teased during the live preview. He could be a good bet to stir the pot if you have any questions along those lines in your fantasy leagues.
David, Venture Capitalist, Denver, CO
Dresses up in a chicken costume during the first night (because why not). We’re told he’s involved in an incident, that will go down in Bachelor history. Now, if that means something scandalous or just something as unforgettably stupid as the “Right Reasons” music video f/ Soulja Boy only time will tell. And yes, we will link this music video every opportunity we have as we should never forget this moment in Bachelorette history. Oh, I almost forgot this guy loves guac but hates avocado. He makes no sense and is clearly going to be trouble. I’m betting on scandal.
Grant, Electrician, Danville, CA
Chris Harrison let us know that he has “a bit of a Matt Damon thing going on.” Like, he’s a good actor? He is passionate about water?
Oh wait, yup – there it is.
Garrett, Medical Sales Rep, Reno, NV
Garrett is the guy who shows up with a minivan and baby equipment. Kinda weird but could work with Becca. He could be a player this season.
Side note – do you think the Medical and Pharma sales guys sit and talk about business trips and frequent flyer programs in one corner, and the athletes and trainers sit and talk about kettle bells and target heart rates in another corner? And then they get together in the middle and swap protein shake recipes?
Jake, Marketing Consultant, Minneapolis, MN
We find out that he and Becca have a past. I’m hoping we’re not getting Freddie + Rachel part 2 because that wasn’t exactly great television. We also know that not-Ryan Reynolds likes to write poems so there is a high likelihood we’ll be subjected to his “gift”. Hey, it worked for Des and whats-his-face.
Jason, Sr. Corporate Banker, Seattle, WA
Not just a corporate banker, but a senior corporate banker! His love of belting out Disney tunes is a bit of a red flag, no? We would love to see him openly weeping as he sings “Baby mine, don’t you cry” when he gets eliminated.
Jean Blanc, Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL
He went to Duke, got an MBA, worked in finance and is currently an engineer in Memphis, but he got stuck with the second dumbest chyron this season. All that being said, you’re sort of asking for it if you own 250 types of cologne… His uninteresting bio and his unfortunate “Job Title” means he’s not going very far.
Joe, Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL
Seems genuinely nice, and could be an interesting match as long as he stands out enough to stick around. He had some choice producer puns on his bio too – “ripe and ready to be picked”. Classic ABC.
John, Software Engineer, San Francisco, CA
Chris Harrison told us that John was, “Possibly the most successful contestant we’ve had, career-wise.” This must mean he has a room in his home full of haunted clown dolls or something.
Jordan, Male Model, Crystal River, FL
Jordan is apparently going to talk about all of the struggles of being a male model. Oh thank God. He also gave his personal best mile time (4:24) in his interview. He reminds us of Canadian Daniel, who is the gift that keeps on giving.
Kamil, Social Media Participant, Monroe, NY
You learn English as a second language, you work in real estate and model a little bit, but you made the producers laugh with some throw away line about being a “Social Media Participant,” and that’s what they’re going to call you all season long. He also has a fear of spiders so he’ll stick around long enough for ABC to tap into this phobia for the sake of ratings.
Lincoln, Account Sales Executive, Los Angeles, CA
This is the guy who called Arie a “wanker” during “After the Final Rose”. Made a great first impression but according to Chris Harrison, he’s going to be drama. Curious to see how long he sticks around.
Mike, Sports Analyst, Cincinnati, OH
Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose! This guy named his dog after the TV character he’s modeling his hair on (Riggins) which is both kind of awesome and kind of extra. Selfishly we’re rooting for Mike as we share an Alma mater with him. Go Irish!
Ryan, Banjoist, Manhattan Beach, CA
We met Ryan during ATFR. You may remember him as the guy with the terrible jacket and played the banjo. If there was ever a red flag, he’s in a bluegrass band with his family! Hard pass.
MOST LIKELY TO: Save every rose and present them back to Becca at the end like a total stalker.
Trent, Realtor, Naples, FL
Trent has been on the cover of romance novels and catalogs. Uh…what? Am I missing something? – Challenge – come up with the novel title he was likely on:
Our Entry: “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?”
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