Welcome back, Bachelor Nation!!! Ah, it feels wonderful to be less than a week out from the premiere of Colton’s season. As we look at the bios, we have a lot of dog lovers and a lot of sports-adjacent talk, which feels right given Colton’s profession as a sort-of NFL player. Do-goodery abounds as well, which suits his running a charity. However, there is an alarming lack of women named “Lauren,” (kind of) yet I’m pleased to inform you that ombre hair is still well-represented. As an update, we’ll be focusing on the return of the fantasy league and providing you with weekly predictions! Sign up at https://bfl.abc.go.com/
The State of Bachelor Nation
I don’t know if it’s just fatigue on our part, but the last couple seasons have left us seriously wanting. Arie’s season was a definite snooze, except for that one episode where we watched him dump Becca in real time. Becca could not have been more boring, and the season was overshadowed with news of Garrett’s social media past and the fact that there was an actual soon-to-be registered sex offender (and amateur flat-earther) among her suitors.
My hope is that ABC knows we’re going to end up hating whoever the bachelor is in the end, so they’re steering into the skid and picking a guy we’ll hate from the start. Speaking of…
26, Former Pro Football Player, Denver CO
Is this the year ABC fully embraces the hate? Well, when you have a 1 out of 22 hit rate on Bachelor couples who are still together (Sean and Catherine) – it would make sense to assume Colton’s pick doesn’t improve their 4.5% success rate and just aim to make it fun to watch. ABC is off to a running start with their “40-Year Old Virgin” spoof promo a few weeks back.
Alex B 29 – Dog Rescuer Vancouver, BC
“Alex is the proud owner of a successful dog rescue business, which takes her all over the world in search of four-legged friends to save. To date, she’s saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.”
Matt: Saving dogs? Great! But running a business doing so makes me think that she is some sort of dog speculator. To make this her business is she finding the cutest dogs in shelters that she thinks she can sell? The number is also incredibly high – let’s say she’s done this since she was 18; that means on average she’s saving more than one dog a day.
Ryan: That is a dark take! I want to hear the story of how she once lived in a van in Australia!
Alex D – 23 – Sloth Boston, MA
Matt: She is a sloth because she “tends to move verrrrry slowly”. I’m hoping we get a moment where she is feigning how slow she moves and all of the women complain about it.
Ryan: No, they force her to put a sloth costume on getting out of the limo. She just wasn’t interesting or a strong enough personality on her own. Her bio leans pretty heavily on her being from New England, which is strange with how many of the other women are boosting their Southern bona fides. I don’t see her staying long.
Angelique 28 -Marketing Salesperson Hamilton, NJ
Matt: First of all, I have no idea what a “marketing salesperson” means. That sounds like someone calling themselves a “doctor mechanic”. Next, she is listed as a “small town Jersey-girl” but she’s from Hamilton, NJ. I live 10 minutes from there and it’s a commuter town on the train line to Manhattan. This isn’t a “Jack and Diane” situation by any stretch.
Annie 23 Financial Associate, New York, NY
Matt: She describes herself as a party-starter who wants everyone to have fun. I read that as she’s totally going to be a shit-stirrer. She also likes to swing dance so we’ll be subjected to her teaching Colton some moves, no doubt.
Ryan: They posted a video where she says she’s got seven dogs. In New York. Where the hell does she live that she claims is “New York” with seven dogs at 23? She’s first of like five girls who went to ‘Bama. Potential “jersey chaser”?
Bri 24 Model Los Angeles, CA
Matt: At least she’s honest about her aspirations. I bet she also loves Soul Cycle and Avocado Toast.
Caelynn 23 Miss North Carolina 2018 Charlotte, NC
Matt: We have a reigning beauty queen in our midst, people. But she’s not like other beauty queens, she’s flown to Japan for a first date! I’m pretty sure you don’t get flown to Asia for a first date unless you ARE a beauty queen (Or maybe La La from “Vanderpump Rules”).
Ryan: Not just one, but the first of two reigning beauty queens this season! Caelynn was the girl in the group who gave me the strongest Tia vibes, but I don’t know if that makes her a strong or a weak candidate.
Caitlin 25 Realtor Toronto, ON
Matt: According to her bio, she is an extremely basic 25 year old woman. The only thing missing is that she loves Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Pinterest.
Ryan: Caitlin is not just a realtor! Her bio calls her a “successful realtor.” As opposed to “a rich kid, legacy race car driver whose career is over, so now he’s calling himself a realtor.” kind of realtor.
Cassie 23 Speech Pathologist Huntington Beach, CA
Matt: Pretty unremarkable bio – this could either mean she’s a night one casualty or will go deep – I can’t handicap this one
Ryan: I couldn’t get a handle on her either. She’s blandly pretty, the speech pathology means that she wants to do good with kids in the world – sound like a former football player we know?
Catherine 26 DJ Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Matt: Potential Villain alert! The giveaway for me was, “She doesn’t have any tattoos because “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.”” Her head shot looks like “I’m not here to make friends” personified!
Ryan: It also looks like she’s going to steal Colton multiple times during night one. She’s not just the villain, she’s trying to be the villain. I don’t see her getting past the mansion. Too thirsty. Her “wrong reasons” vibes are off the charts!
Courtney 23 Caterer Atlanta, GA
Matt: She has a pretty normal and interesting bio – I think the fact that she does meal planning for athletes could be an in for her and help her stick around for a while. Bad news for her though, she disclosed her fear of reptiles to ABC so you know she’ll be gator wrestling or something by week 3.
Ryan: Yeah, I like the bio in general. And there are a couple different “fear of reptiles” pointed out. Does that mean we go to a snake farm or something?
Demi 23 Interior Designer Red Oak, TX
Matt: First, yellow being your favorite color isn’t a fun fact. She’s also a “proud country girl” who loves ATVs, WWE, fishing and driving a stick shift. What are the odds we get a cultural clash with her and one of the other women? It’s not 0%.
Ryan: There’s a sound bite of her asking, “Could Colton lose his virginity in Singapore? Maybe…” Which is probably taped before fantasy suites week, but who knows. And again, the Southerners outnumber the Yankees by a pretty fair amount, this year (and usually on this show). It’s not like she’s going to wear a confederate flag bikini or anything.
Devin 23 Broadcast Journalist Medford, OR
Matt: I just really appreciate the contestants who are openly trying to advance their television careers. Devin is a sportscaster, so she’ll be able to talk shop (and add to her reel) with Colton which should help her stick around.
Ryan: See, but on the other hand, my comment upon looking at her bio was “she has a more robust future in sports than Colton does.” I wouldn’t be surprised if that threatens him.
Elyse 31 Makeup Artist Soldotna, AK
Matt: She’s never been out of the country, and i’m guessing that streak continues – I don’t think she’s long for this season.
Ryan: We don’t get a lot of redheads on this show, and when we do they don’t make it far. There’s a clip of her saying something to the effect of “I can’t accept your proposal…” though, so I think she gets past the mansion. I agree with the domestic-only assessment, though.
Erika 25 Recruiter Encinitas, CA
Matt: Her nickname is “The Nut”, so there’s that. Also, she can apparently eat whatever she wants and not gain weight. I think I speak for Bachelor Nation when I say this is something that maybe you keep to yourself.
Ryan: Right? Especially around the holidays, when I’m trying to type this over my Christmas cookie gut.
Erin 28 Cinderella Plano, TX
Matt: She works for her stepmother, she likes to dance and she loses shoes. When I first read her “profession” – my eyes rolled into the back of my head but I’ll admit, it’s sort of funny now. Also, she loves PSL’s and is part of the ombre army, so she’s got a shot. If she makes it at all far in the season, she’ll be a front runner for Bachelorette if only so ABC can promote her “search for Prince Charming”.
Ryan: Go read her whole bio. It’s all a Cinderella troll. Which means I can’t get a read on if she’s for real.
Hannah B. 23 Miss Alabama 2018 Tuscaloosa, GA
Matt: Our 2nd reigning beauty queen of the season – I’m not sure how I feel about all of the Alabama representation. Also, another interior designer – how many of these women do you suppose just want to be the next Joanna Gaines from “Fixer Upper”? I hope Colton likes shiplap and “opening up” rooms!
Ryan: I bet Hanna B loves shiplap! And agreed, way too much Roll Tide going on.
Hannah G. 23 Content Creator Birmingham, AL
Matt: “She’s both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business”.
LOL Come on. She posts selfies on Instagram and is hoping to hawk Fab-Fit-Fun boxes or whatever after being on the show. Given her “profession” – bank on her doing whatever it takes to stay on the show as long as possible. That 16th minute of fame is super valuable when it comes to building a social following as an “influencer”
Ryan: Reading her bio just made me mad. If Colton picks her, he better be ready to snap a photo every time she squeals “Sunset Heart Hands!”
Heather 22 Never Been Kissed Carlsbad, CA
Matt: I mean, I guess her and Colton can bond over abstinence – unless in the extremely unlikely event it’s a Pretty Woman “no kissing” situation.
Ryan: She’s not going far.
Adrianne “Jane” 26 Social Worker West Hollywood, CA
Matt: Confusing first names aside – I really like her and think she could be a player. Has a normal job, loves tacos, wears sneakers – she’s going to be a force.
Ryan: She’s a social worker who loves dogs. What are two of the four things that we know about Colton?
Katie 26 Medical Sales Representative Sherman Oaks, CA
Matt: She enjoys yoga, sushi and glamping. Sounds like the Bachelorette starter kit. She loves LSU, so she’ll probably try to talk sports with Colton. Another one with a real job, so likely won’t be willing to do “anything” to stay on the show – for this reason I think she could exit early.
Ryan: Also, she’s a “pharma girl” with crazy eyes. There are at least three of those per season, no?
Kirpa 26 Dental Hygienist Whittier, CA
Matt: Seems nice, thinks Denver is the most romantic city in the country (convenient) , has a classic bachelorette profession, so I think she could hang around
Ryan: She also knows how ABC loves cross-promotion. Her favorite tv show is “Grey’s Anatomy”, and her favorite date memory was a trip to Disneyland. Get those plugs in!
Laura 26 Accountant Dallas, TX
Matt: Boring bio, real job, night one casualty?
Ryan: Technically, her birth name is (probably) “Lauren”, so ABC snuck one in. But the bigger question is have we just aged out of Lauren as a popular name? What’s next, a wave of Addison/Madisons?
Nicole 25 Social Media Coordinator Miami, FL
Matt: She lives with her family, claims to never get embarrassed and loves singing and dancing. I could see her hanging around a bit.
Ryan: I liked her too. We’ll see. Also, contestant number six million who loves dogs.
Nina 30 Sales Account Manager Raleigh, NC
Matt: She was born in Croatia and moved to the US when she was 9 to flee war. So, yeah, there will 100% be some tragic personal stories shared. Also, finally someone admits to being a fan of the show which means she knows exactly what she needs to do.
Ryan: Nina’s afraid of heights and roller coasters, but somehow thinks astronaut would be a dream profession. Another fun fact, she doesn’t know what astronauts do!
Onyeka 24 IT Risk Consultant Dallas, TX
Matt: Her parents have been married for 35 years and got engaged after only 2 weeks. So yeah, she’s down for this. Loves Cheez-its and music and has a bad pick up line – I have high hopes for Onyeka.
Ryan: She was alright. I wasn’t terribly pulled in by her.
Revian 24 Nurse Santa Monica, CA
Matt: Her bio says she’s an esthetician, but she’s listed as a nurse. So which is it? Does she wax eyebrows or take care of sick people?
Ryan: Maybe she waxes the eyebrows of sick people? Revian loves Steven King and once flew across the country to see a guy she met online. I mean, that’s how you start a horror movie…
Sydney 27 NBA Dancer New York, NY
Matt: She’s an NBA dancer but has never had a boyfriend. I mean, maybe try match.com before ABC? This is going nowhere fast.
Ryan: Yeah, she doesn’t have a promising bio.
Tahzjuan 25 Business Development Associate Castle Pines, CO
Matt: She’s from Colorado and has a pretty good bio. BUT she also has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas”. I mean, she’s on this show, so – “check” – I don’t think a well-adjusted person gets that tattoo.
Ryan: It doesn’t match with Colton’s brand, for sure.
Tayshia 28 Phlebotomist Corona Del Mar, CA
Matt: She seems pretty cool – volunteers, enjoys wine tasting, just did a mission trip to Africa, was a girl scout for 12 years. No red flags but also the normal ones sometimes leave early.
Ryan: I like her normalcy, which yeah, probably means she goes home quickly.
Tracy 31 Wardrobe Stylist Los Angeles, CA
Matt: Potential Villain Alert 2 – she “likes to be the center of attention”. Um, this could be a problem with 29 other women trying to date the same guy. Most likely to blow up over someone else “stealing Colton for a minute”.
Ryan: Ooo, maybe she and Catherine get in a shouting match. Also, she’s a wardrobe stylist, but her promo shoot has her wearing a loud red blazer over a black tube top. Weird choice.
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