ABC has brought back the Bachelor Fantasy League this season, and The Fantazie Suite has been flipping tractor tires and watching Instagram videos for weeks in preparation. Meet us here each week to help you set your team and earn bragging rights
Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! ABC took last season off from the Fantasy League, and we had to complain about regrettable social media presences and actual felons without the consolation of bragging to our friends and family about correctly predicting that Jason would be the late bloomer to earn Becca’s fourth hometown trip. This season, they’ve switched up the format, and so have we.
Scoring Categories this week:
- Receives a rose
- Receives the First Impression Rose
- Brings a gift or uses a prop for her entrance
- Wears something that sparkles
- Cries (tears rolling)
- Wears the same dress as another woman to the rose ceremony
- Speaks to Colton in a language other than English
- Kisses Colton (on the lips)
Who do we like?
Everyone in this screenshot has a rose at some point in the competition, so scrutinize appropriately.
If that’s your starting point, let’s see if we can get some multiple-category scorers…
Erin rolls up to the mansion in a pumpkin coach and leave behind a shoe, and that looks like a pretty sparkly gown she’s wearing to boot.
As far as foreign languages go, Nicole grew up in a Cuban family in Miami, so that’s a good bet. We’d avoid Revian, who speaks Mandarin, and Nina, who grew up in Croatia. We can’t see them in that crowd of successful toasters.
The sparkly category looks a little fraught too. There are a lot of sequins in this picture…
…but a much lower ratio the next morning. It looks like Tahzjuan (nearly touching Colton’s glass) and Kirpa (two to Colton’s left in the group shot, hiding in the back of the celebration) make it through.
Kissing and crying are anybody’s guess, so we’re going to take a flyer on Catherine, who steals Colton several times over the course of the night. She’s thirsty to be this year’s villain, and being early to lock lips with the Bachelor will always put you on that hit list.
Who’s not looking great?
Alex D. the sloth gets thrown in a costume and has to move in slow motion all night. She’s not getting that kiss. And her rose ceremony dress doesn’t look terribly sparkly. And we can’t find her in that victory shot.
Likewise, you should avoid Sydney (who’s never had a boyfriend) and Heather (who’s never been kissed). They both look like they get roses, but first base seems unlikely.
Things we wish you could earn points for:
Makes reference to Colton’s virginity: Look, we all knew this was coming. Every year, we’re re-introduced to the Bachelor, with the producers leaning heavily on the one or two personality traits we already know to get us interested in his journey toward love. Last year, Arie was a racecar driver and The Kissing Bandit. This season, Colton has a unique trait to, erm, give away. Monday night, we’ll see women pop a cherry-shaped balloon, take a V-marked playing card, and ask Colton point blank why he’s never gotten around to doing the deed. If you aren’t in for innuendo, maybe avoid the premiere. This episode might be a little, um, hard for you.
Does something “sporty”: If everyone wasn’t already focusing all of their attention on Colton’s purity, his on-field experience would certainly take center stage. And the women chosen to vye for his attention seem to have been hand-picked for the task. There’s a sportscaster, an NBA dancer, a former national horse-riding competitor (?), and more than a dozen SEC alumnae. We’re guaranteed to see pom poms shaking at full speed in a couple different video packages.
Check back with us each week and see if you can draft a better team! Happy fantasies, Nation!
Points earned last week: n/a
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