Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Well, we made it through all three hours of week 1 (barely) but if you get past the all of the on-location nonsense, it was a relatively strong opener. But while we’re on it, please ABC don’t make this on location “Bachelor Nation” a “thing”. As much as I enjoy checking in with JoJo and Chris Harrison’s mom it was a bit much. Also, can we stop caring about Krystal and Goose yet? We’re all for giving Kaitlyn Bristowe more time on our screen as she’s a delight. We get that Jason wants to be an announcer, and if you get him, Blake will show up for free. Jared and Ashley will be around until their (inevitably paid for by ABC and televised) wedding. But stop putting Chris on screen. He’s a rage monster plus he gave himself a nickname. Who does that?
Hang on, we interrupt this already-padded out column to cut to some rando’s house in Michigan. Also, please, anyone reading this, don’t propose on camera. Ever.
We’re hopeful ABC doesn’t go too far in making a meme out of themselves this season. Catherine stealing Colton 4 times was so forced I’m pretty sure I saw one of the producers hands shoving her into the shot at one point. We get it, the women get cut throat – this was stupid. This week, Demi gets a talking to for touching the group date rose before it’s handed out. As if the Date Rose were some magical talisman. It’s not like she drops the spirit stick at cheer camp…
Anyhow, we have 23 (!) women left so it’s going to be a crowded Monday night, but until proven wrong, we’re excited for it. Let’s jump in with the predictions!
Scoring Categories this week:
- Receives a Rose (5pts) – We’re early enough that picking women who you see a lot of during previews is a safe bet- lots of roses to dole out, go with your gut.
- Goes on a Group Date(5pts) – Group Date 1 was shared by the Bachelor’s Twitter Feed this week. We see a random Blonde(?), Nicole, Catherine, Onyeka(?), Demi, Bri, Elyse. Group Date 2 was also shared . We see Sydney, Tayshia, Angelique, Nina, Heather… Lots to choose from!
- Gets a 1-on-1 Date Card (5pts) – Hannah B. gets the 1-on-1 for sure. Should be good for this point, some kisses, and a rose. Stick her on your team for some guaranteed points.
- Receives a Group Date Rose (5pts) Only two of those Group Date attendees will receive a rose, but Demi’s definitely going to do some kissing. Save a slot for her.
- Wins a Sleepaway Camp Night with Colton (5pts) – We’re guessing that this will be not just one girl, but the whole team that wins the group date competition that involves tug of war (featuring Billy Eichner).
- Kisses Colton (On the Lips) (5pts) – Anyone that went for it Week 1 is almost guaranteed and given the collective desire to become Instagram influencers err I mean Colton’s wife, I’d bet on lots of kissing.
- Cries (Tears on Her Face) (5pts) Who ever knows who’s going to cry and when?
- Interrupts the Cocktail Party Chat with a Noisy Prop (10pts) Did “Drowing in bitches” happen already? I have absolutely no recollection.
Things we wish you could earn points for:
- How many more episodes until we stop treating Colton’s virginity as a punchline? At some point, things get “serious” – and the virgin jokes were not funny in hour one and downright exhausting by the final segments. This week’s group date will lean into it (with comedy veterans who know a thing or two about gross sexuality), but we think that we’ll have to stop laughing at it about the time that we leave the mansion.
- Over/under for how many of the women Colton can actually name. There are 23 left – At the low end, he can call them all Hannah and get two right. Our money would be on nine. There are way too many anonymous blondes and that cocktail party went well into the next morning for anyone to remember much of anything (see below)
- How many seconds of next week’s episode will Colton be shirtless? We’re pretty sure we saw his nipples more than we saw him in a shirt last week, and he’s eager to show off those pecs again this week. He gets in a hot tub with Miss Alabama Heather at the very least. Let’s say at least 1:30 of shirtless Colton.
- Catch up with our Week 1 preview HERE
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