Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Last week ABC (mercifully) got back to airing actual footage of Colton and the ladies and cut out any sign of parking lot hot tubes or general population engagements. The ‘virginity as a punchline’ trope was back in full force but at least things began to progress with “the most dramatic season ever!” Let’s take a quick look back and then jump ahead to our predictions for week 3.
Reflections on Last Week
That was a much more enjoyable week, wasn’t it? No cut ins from random house parties, fewer blonde white women to try to keep track of, and group dates that I would absolutely love to take part of. Innuendo-filled storytelling lessons from Ron and Tammy 2? Yes please! Competing in meaningless events while Billy Eichner screams at me? I’d pay for that experience. Way more enjoyable if only because we actually got to see an episode of the bachelor vs a low-rent New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.
Regarding Hannah B’s inability to put together a sentence: are pageant queens basically thoroughbred racehorses? They’re very pretty, they’re trained from an alarmingly early age to do one thing well. They’re super neurotic and go off the damn rails if the slightest thing starts to go wrong. I mean…who else sat there wide eyed, mouth open, and eventually yelling at the TV – “SAY SOMETHING”. . Don’t they have to speak on stage about why they wish for world peace or something?
- Hannah’s chyron changing from 23 to 24 with a sound effect made us laugh out loud. Well done, ABC
- Billy Eichner’s reaction to Colton’s virginity: “Fine. You get an award.” –Colton has been a sport (what choice does he have?) but you could tell he is quickly getting over this season’s “gag”. You can also infer his feelings from some of his tweets – doesn’t seem outwardly upset but not 100% thrilled with the edit thus far.
- Who keeps giving Onyeka props? She’s gotta be gone this week, no? Physical comedy usually doesn’t make it past week 3. Onykea is basically the “Whaboom” of this season and he got sent home by Rachel during Week 3. Just saying.
- When asked how many kids she wanted, Erika said that she would rather adopt a bunch of dogs. I’m sure you noticed that she didn’t get a rose. Thank you, next.
- How about the discussion of the “cougar den” for the women 27+?
Week 3 Fantasy League Predictions
- Goes on a Group Date (5pts) – Two of these this week: Pirates: Kate, Demi, Hannah B, Tracy, Tayshia, Caelynn, Kirpa and Strongest Woman: Catherine, Onyeka, Nicole, Heather, Cassie, Sydney. Take your pick.
- Wears Sunglasses or Eyeglasses (5pts) – We can see eyeglasses for the girls hanging out around the mansion w/o Colton, or during the pool party. However, we don’t see any evidence during the promo.
- Is Called “Manipulative” by Another Bachelorette (5pts) Well, since most of them actually are, this is tricky. “A producer” is the right answer, but I’d guess we’re talking about Demi, Or maybe Demi’s the one calling other people manipulative? She’s pretty good at accusing people of doing the things she is actually doing. In that case, it’s Tracy or Tayshia, I think.
- Kisses Colton (On the Lips) (5pts) – Demi, Elyse, Caelynn and whoever’s in that red dress getting pushed against a window all get kisses.
- Exposed Bellybutton at the Pool Party (5pts) – All of them? Maybe there are some one-pieces? Seriously, who isn’t in a bikini? Weird question
- Receives a One-on-One Date Card (5pts) – Elyse gets to take a bunch of hospital-bound children to a fair with Colton. She’ll definitely get a kiss at dinner and a rose at the end of the night. Put her on your team – it’s a lock
- Receives a Rose (5pts) – A whole bunch of them – go with your gut
- Finalist in Bachelor’s Strongest Woman Competition (10pts) – We’re giving this one to Sydney
Things We Wish We Could Bet On
- Will Heather get her first kiss (ever) from Colton? Did anyone else freak out when it looked like Colton may give her a “first kiss” ON PRIMETIME TV?!?! At the very least, can we not have Colton kiss Heather for the first time during a cocktail party just before Onyeka interrupts them with a vuvuzela? At least give her the dignity of a 1:1, where she talks about why she’s never been kissed or whatever, and then we can have soaring music as she goes in for a smacker.
- Will we get a beauty queen 2-on-1? Hannah B is losing her damn mind. Look at how many teeth she has:
Reminds us of Olivia. I can’t see this *not* happening – book it.
- Over/Under on how many times Colton is shown talking about why he’s still a virgin during 1:1 time with a contestant this week: 1. I think we’re done with this until Fantasy Suites.
- Catch up with our Week 2 preview HERE
- Be sure to join us for live BachChat and to follow along on Facebook and Twitter!
- Follow us on Instagram for all your Bachelor meme needs