Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Well, we’ve made it to our namesake week and probably one of the most anticipated Fantasy Suite weeks in Bachelor History. Partially because of the soft-toss story line of Colton’s purity that we’ll have to ensure but also because finally, FINALLY – Colton appears to be jumping over that damn wall. First, let’s take a quick look at hometowns.
Hometown Date Reflections
We’ll go ahead and say it – Hometowns were pretty boring. Every year, it seems like a little more time is dedicated to the awkward “asking her father for permission” conversation, and good god, this week it dominated. Shouldn’t we have more to distinguish Colton’s relationships than what we’ve got? Hometowns are a great time to spend on fun small town quirks and you know, spending time with Colton and the girls. Instead, we got a bunch of bland dates that could happen pretty much anywhere (provided the existence of horsedrawn carriages, etiquette classes, airplanes, and surfing), and a bunch of skeptical father figures. Yawn.
That said, the best line of the night comes from Tayshia’s dad, with “You don’t microwave a relationship.” Her “I am content with saying yes to Colton,” was just as lukewarm as you’d expect from pretty much all of Colton’s relationships this season. Do you really think that any of these women are actually, legitimately in love with him at this point? He might really, really want to go to the Fantasy Suite with Hannah G and Cassie, but his most intimate relationship has to be with Tayshia, right? They seem like they would enjoy each others company while not on camera.
I’m sure you’ve all noticed by now, but we would like to scream from the rooftops that Miss North Carolina USA’s hometown date took place in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Recognizing that everyone reading this isn’t a scholar of geography, but did you happen to know that Fredericksburg, Virginia is not in North Carolina? That it’s in fact 135 miles from the Virginia/North Carolina border? How is that not written into the bylaws?
Also, since hometown week is our semi-annual Google Maps deep dive, take a look at Fredericksburg’s surrounding area and tell me that it doesn’t look like Civil War Battleground flashcards.
Colton was right about that etiquette class lady eating bread like a maniac. Have you EVER seen anyone butter and eat bread like that? Anyone who eats bread like that is a person I don’t want to spend time with. Which is fine, because they’re too busy tearing and buttering bread one nibble at a time.
Also, everyone’s childhood home has a place where you can watch home movies from the railing at the top of the stairs, right?
Lastly, while Hannah G’s rapping didn’t leave us interested in her mixtape, the cringiest part of that whole date was her dad enthusiastically crossing his arms in front of his chest and saying “WORD.” Ew.
This Week’s Bets
- Receives a Rose
- Cries (Tears on Her Face)
- Kisses Colton (On the Lips)
- Rides In A Helicopter
- Says “Fantasy Suite(s)”
- Says “I Love You”
- Wears Red In Portugal
- Spends the Night with Colton in the Fantasy Suite
This video (https://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/video/vdka8390593) shows both Cassie and Hannah G in red (Hannah for sure), and we’re pretty sure that the lighthouse in the shot with the helicopter is the same one that Tayshia and Colton are standing on. But again, they all probably get the same points here, right? We’re starting to get the feeling that ABC doesn’t give much of a shit about the Fantasy League. Or you know, we’ve had that feeling all season, since they won’t even let us form our own leagues. Bah, whatever.
Things we wish we could bet on
Which girl is the last seen with Colton before that infamous fence jump? We’ve been teased, and we’ve been promised, and we’re all champing at the freaking bit to see this thing out. Now this week, we’ll finally get to see what it is that sends young Colton over the edge. Is it a scary Fantasy Suite appearance? An overzealous petting session perhaps? A failure to rise to the occasion? We have questions.
Do we have a Bachelorette in this batch? The Women Tell All will air on Tuesday, which is usually when those test balloons start coming out of ABC headquarters regarding the next Bachelorette. If it’s to be announced this week, it’ll have to be Caelynn, right?
While her straightforward way of speaking about sexual assault was laudable, there is nothing else about Caelynn that we find interesting. Would she make for an interesting season?
What noisemaking props will Onyeka be given for WTA? Leave the woman some dignity, please. But, airhorn.
The Caroline Award for Woman Who Didn’t Speak at all This Season, but Somehow Gets Way Too Much Airtime on Women Tell All Award Nominees are: too many to count. Take a look at that cast and tell me you remember a single damn thing about more than 10 of those women. Remember Tracy and Courtney? Bet we see too much of them.
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