Welcome back, Bachelorette Nation! After hibernating for a few weeks following tHe MoSt DrAmAtIc season ever of “The Bachelor”, we’re ready to dive in with open hearts, open eyes and probably some open mouths during, what are sure to be frequent, failed toasts. Let’s dive right in!
First, Hannah Brown, The Bachelorette
Now that Hannah is officially The Bachelorette, we get to use her full given name; Hannah Brown. What you lose in dignity, you gain in your surname. What is there to say about Hannah Brown? Well, ABC is consistent if nothing else so we think it’s safe to say they’ll be zeroing in on her trouble with public speaking / toasts as a central story line. With Becca, they pulled at the Arie scab time and again for sport and with Colton, the topic of his purity pledge became more cringey than the entire 2:13 run time of “the 40 year old virgin”. For Hannah, I think we should expect at least 1 toast an episode. ABC, please get this woman a Dale Carnegie course, not a champagne flute for God’s sake.
The hope in this season is we get more of the rawness that we got from Colton’s. Not so much the fence jumping but the honest commentary on the process and the less scripted moments that felt more frequent in his season than in most of the prior entries. We’ll enter the season with the same high hopes we always have and wait for ABC to ruin it with a cross promotion with “the good doctor” or some shit.
To mix things up this season, we’re going to do some Bachelorette Superlatives:
Most Likely to Try Hard: Cam
Matt: This guy checks all the boxes – He’s a “dance floor king” which means he’ll do some idiotic dance move with Hannah on night one. He claims to like “The Notebook” (pandering) and he likes to freestyle rap as we saw on “After the Final Rose” – I fear we’ll be enduring more of Cam’s rhymes before it’s all said and done.
Ryan: …and his jacket too! He stole that out of Chris Pratt’s wardrobe, I guarantee.
Most likely to tell Hannah someone is there for the “Wrong Reasons”: Luke P
Matt: Super religious, loves Tim Tebow. I think he may get shook if (when) he overhears some chatter he doesn’t like from the other guys and tries to swoop in to set things straight.
Ryan: Oof. Definitely. That jaw screams “indignant”
Most likely to be a real life AJ Soprano
Ryan: Joe the box king works for his family cardboard box company? And he’s been to Vegas four times in the last year. Riiiiiight.
Most Likely to Cry on Night 1
Matt: His bio says he stopped making music after a terrible break up – this is the type of approachable “Tragic Personal Story” that can be shared on night one
Most likely to be selling Fit Tea in 6 Months on Instagram: Dylan
Matt: This guy just sounds made up.”He is the co-founder of a fitness company that allows people to work out while donating food to those in need. He loves to drive his boat, scuba dive and cook up a big meal.”
Ryan: He definitely came up with that company idea while high on ayahuasca during his gap year.
Most likely to only be doing this until his trust fund kicks in: John Paul Jones
Ryan: John Paul Jones wants to be referred to by his full name, and spends time pondering the meaning of life. He definitely played lacrosse in prep school and summers on the Vineyard. (In the Vineyard? I don’t know, I’m still paying off my student loans.)
Matt: 100% wears croakies on his sunglasses and ironically drives a 1988 Saab convertible.
Most likely to stare at the drink menu for an hour, then order a Bud Light: Matthew
Ryan: Matthew’s bio says he’s an auctioneer who is studying for his real estate license, but also mentions that he’d love to join the winery business one day. With that indecisiveness, we may have found our next Bachelor!
Matt: Also most likely to say that he’s “in his own head.” Lord, I hate that phrase almost as much as “my person.” ::shudders::
Most likely to get too serious too fast: Devin
Matt: “Devin loves being in love. He has been in three relationships, with the shortest one being two years and the longest being five. ” I mean…
Ryan: Thank you, next.
Most likely to get left in a weird location during a 2:1: Matteo
Matt: “Matteo once competed in a talent show where he chugged a gallon of milk in ten seconds.” Otherwise known as the “gallon challenge” – for anyone who isn’t enlightened enough to be aware, this gag is notable because it essentially makes you vomit after you complete it. This guy is willing to do whatever it takes to win, which will keep him around, and likely allow him to be manipulated into a feud which ends with a 2:1. Also, he has fathered 114 kids from sperm donation – I don’t even know how to unpack that. https://pagesix.com/2019/05/
Ryan: My roommate and I tried the gallon challenge one Friday night in college. I don’t recommend it. The trick isn’t drinking the gallon in 10 seconds – it’s not dying from lactic acid poisoning.
Most likely to be planted by the producers: Grant
Matt: This guy is actively trying to be the anti-bachelor. Doesn’t work out, wants to call out the other guys, will get into a dance battle (look out, Cam), loves PDA. Come on. He’ll make it a few weeks just so ABC has something to air.
Ryan: Or is he the guy who’s so visibly drunk that he has to pull a Corinne and “take a nap” during the rose ceremony?
Most likely to get a hometown: Garrett
Matt: This guy sounds like every guy Hannah likely ever dated, and old habits die hard. I mean, could he sound MORE Alabama?
Ryan: He’s super Alabama, that’s for sure. We’ve got a ton of Southerners this season (Florida seems to be representing really hard). And I feel like we don’t have nearly the Denver presence that the past couple seasons have had.
Most likely to try to mediate the conflict: Tyler G
Ryan: Tyler G is studying to be a clinical psychologist and has a side business in Dream Therapy Analysis. Who was the girl who got on Corinne’s bad side for calling out her emotional maturity?
Matt: Oh lord. Taylor. His name even sounds the same.
Come back next week when we reflect on night one and begin to predict what we think is on the horizon for Hannah Brown and her flock of future influencers.
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