It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
…and if you’re a card-carrying member of #bachelornation, you know it has less to do with Kris Kringle and more to do with Chris Harrison. Bachelor season is upon us and that means it’s time to root for chaos and get super judgey. For me, “The Bachelor” occupies the rare intersection of mindless entertainment and high art. I hope you’ll join me for what should be one of the most cringe-worthy seasons yet! Given that ABC has cast 30 (lucky?) Bachelorettes for Nick V to sort through, we’ll break up the preview into 2 parts. Let’s dive right in!
Alexis: Dreams big
When you’re 9 and an “aspiring dolphin trainer” it’s cute, you’re into animals, whatever. When you’re 23, this means you are doing something else professionally but in the back of your mind you’re always yearning for that wetsuit and bucket of mackerel. This also means your parents are being super vague with your update in the annual Christmas letter: “…and Alexis is still chasing her dreams!” Also, it appears her biggest fear is E.T. – I think we’re done here, she’s the wrong brand of crazy to be long for this season.
Angela: Don’t call her Batman
Apparently the worst thing to happen to Angela on a date was a guy put “Batman” as their name on the seating list for a restaurant. I find it hard to believe that she’s lead a life this devoid of real disappointment, but good news – either she’s going to get dumped on national TV (bad) or have to marry Nick V. (worse). She also had a litany of red-flag answers that frankly we don’t have time to get into right now, but I feel like we’ll be seeing more of her as I see her as an early favorite to be the villain based on the fact that she’s a model who has never had to deal with adversity. Separately, when asked what 5 things she couldn’t live without, she replied “Lip balm, water, hair tie, iPhone and most importantly – [her] mom. :)” – I literally can’t with her. The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is move 500 miles away – which means she moved out of South Carolina. You’re crazzzzy! She’s also into dolphins.
Astrid: Doesn’t want to be “Part of that World”
Ok, so Astrid is also, like, really into dolphins and I’m starting to question if I can do 27 more of these. She would like to be a Dolphin, “so [she] could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks.” Ok, sure, but are sailors really still getting lost these days? Taking on Somali pirates is probably a cause more worthy of taking on on behalf of the maritime community. Moving on to which fictional character would she like to be, she responded with “The Little Mermaid before legs”. Her reasoning? So she could “explore the ocean”. Hm, so instead of hanging out with Prince Eric (swoon) and being able to live the life you’ve always dreamed of (as “Part of that World”), you’d rather hang out in the ocean with your authoritarian father doing your hair with a fork/dinglehopper? You do you, Astrid. I wonder if she doesn’t want to be on land because of an apparent crippling fear of horses? She says she’s had some “bad experiences”.
PREDICTION: Someone will ride in on a horse on the first night, Astrid will have a breakdown and then open up to Nick about why she’s so afraid of horses. This will buy her some time, but I don’t think she’s a serious player here.
Briana: Reluctant Ute
She’s also into dolphins and wants to be Ariel. This is getting out of hand…Her reasoning is a bit more sound though – when explaining her choice of Ariel, she states “She’s a mermaid with great hair, cool animal friends and she marries a cutie.” No argument here. What strikes me as odd is that the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is move to Utah. In my heart, I’m hoping the reason it’s so outrageous is that she moved there to chase former Bachelorette “winner” Jef after Emily (predictably) kicked him to the curb. I mean, the guy told her that he loved her for the first time with a puppet. She seems ok, maybe a bit too normal for Nick V though.
Brittany: Outdoorsy nurse from Santa Monica?
She actually seems pretty normal. I’m calling BS on the whole loving camping thing though. My guess is that this nurse from Santa Monica loves camping as long as it’s on site for Coachella. Not a ton to work with here, but perky nurses have a way of sticking around on this show, so I’m guessing this won’t be the last we see of Brittany.
PREDICTION: She is the first to invoke Des and let Nick V know that she’s here for the #rightreasons
BONUS PREDICTION: She makes it to hometowns, gets cut then is announced as the next Bachelorette. You heard it here first!
Christen: Definitely “the crazy one”
So much to unpack here. First, she has a tattoo of the life of Jesus in symbols on her wrist. That seems like an awfully small palette for his entire life, no? But, ok. She goes on to say the one law she would break would be breaking into the White House to see what goes on – I get that – sure. But she adds that she would hide in a closet and sleep there for months to observe. The question is meant to be silly but her answer seems way too thought out and way too serious. She’s got a spot waiting for her on the no-fly list. This gal was born to be on “The Bachelor”.
PREDICTION: She lets us know that she “prayed on” if she should come on the show.
Corinne: Has tattoo regret
She seems like one of those 24 year olds that’s a little too serious. You know the type; part of a number of “organizations”, posts motivational work-sayings on her Instagram, really into networking, etc. She’s a business owner (which could mean any number of things given that she’s a Bachelor contentant), she’s having her tattoos removed (4:1 odds its a Tweety Bird tat) and watches Frasier as a guilty pleasure (?). Something isn’t adding up here for me. Let’s keep an eye on her – I can’t get a read from the bio but part of me wants to think her “online business” isn’t exactly on the up and up.
Danielle L.: Strong contender
Danielle L. had some pretty normalish answers in her bio. She seems put together (for the Bachelor at least) and probably will be with us well into the season. There isn’t much meat on the bone for me in her bio, so let’s move on with an understanding that she’ll be covered in more detail in the coming weeks.
Danielle M.: It just got real in here
- She’s a neonatal nurse from Nashville – nice.
- She wants to be a pegasus so she could fly and have a beautiful mane – charming.
- She moved to Nashville to put herself back together – uh oh, here it comes.
- Closest she’s been to being married – engaged – then her fiancé passed away – ugh.
This is objectively terrible. Also terrible is that we’re inevitably going to hear all about it as she opens up to Nick V. For her sake, I hope she doesn’t stick around long enough to share something so emotional and personal with a sociopath like Nick but I bet we hear about it on night one next to the pool and just before Christen barges in for some “1 on1 time”.
PREDICTION: After inevitably being cut, she proclaims that she “didn’t think she could love again”
Dominique: Way too into Chipotle
Everything here seems ok at first. Her animal answer was decent – she didn’t want to be a dolphin which was enough for me, but she chose a bird so she could travel the world – seems legit. She has met her last couple of boyfriends online – fine. She’s then asked who the 3 people she’d want to have lunch with are; her grandfather – that’s nice. Leonardo DiCaprio – can’t blame her there. Then she drops Jesus as her third lunch guest – I mean, go big or go home, AMIRIGHT? She then specifies that they’ll be having Chipotle. Um, what? There’s a lot to unpack here. First, if you’re Gramps or Leo, talk about an awkward lunch. I’d be terrified of cutting off Jesus in conversation. Then the whole Chipotle thing – that’s pretty specific, and it begs the question – would you take the Son of God to a place that charges like $2 for a dollop of guac? That feels like a sin.
Liz: Really doesn’t want to murder someone
Well, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way (no, seriously – the “one thing she hopes she never has to do” is “kill someone”), it seems she has some strong feelings about golf? Apparently she finds it boring that that angers her. She also sports a number of tattoos; some trees, a fish, some sayings, etc. Given that she’s a Belieber, I am praying one of the sayings is something from a Justin Bieber song – please let it be “Swag swag swag, on you”. She seems like someone who is one bad group date from coming unhinged – for that reason, I think she’s going to make it relatively far – I’d set the over/under for hometowns.
PREDICTION: Liz is going to get into a physical altercation
Elizabeth: Hater of sounds
Reading the first half of Elizabeth’s bio, I thought to myself, she seems pretty normal – into dating apps, likes “The Notebook” and Kate Middleton, all very appropriate things for a 24 year old. Things started to unravel when she said she would like to be Brittany Spears for a day because she’s a queen – sort of odd, but Brit Brit has her moments for sure. Then she responds that she doesn’t have one greatest achievement, but rather has had “…a journey of achievements that only [she] would appreciate.” Ok, what the hell does that mean? I literally have no idea but I bet she’s going to tell us allllll about it. She rounds out the interview by letting us know that she suffers from Misophonia. I had to Google this one, and I found out that it means that certain sounds set her off. Fun fact, it’s also referred to as “sound rage”. This has all the potential in the world. Please Bachelor gods (read: Producers), keep this crazy train on the tracks.
PREDICTION: The sound of Chris Harrison tapping his champagne glass is her trigger
Hailey: Judges only-children
I’m not going to spend much time on Hailey because I think she’s a first night casualty waiting to happen, but I have to address her comment of wanting 2 kids because “A lot of things are made for families of four.”. What things? Small SUVs? Tables at the Olive Garden? This strikes me as a really specific POV on family planning. I’m also curious what is causing her to volunteer that she thinks “only children are strange”.
PREDICTION: She’ll tell Nick she wants 2 kids during their first discussion, he’ll let her know he has 10 brothers and sister (he actually does), she’ll make a weird comment about families and he’ll sniff out that she’s not a contender.
Ida Marie: Did we just become best friends?!
Yup! So, Ida’s profile is suspiciously charming. She’s into “Step Brothers” – awesome, she enjoys pickles – who doesn’t?, and had pretty normal answers to all of the other prompts. It feels like she’s going to be around for a while since they didn’t insert any obvious red flags for her.
PREDICTION: Ida Marie makes it to hometowns
Wouldn’t it have just been easier to say you only eat fish and poultry? Already she seems like a pain in the ass. Apparently to impress a man she can “bench-press him with her legs” (red flag). She also has a tattoo of a heart-shaped grenade (big red flag). She is the type of contestant that sticks around for a couple of weeks because she’s nutty but by week 3, she’ll be gone because “she’s not getting along with the others”.
Let me know what your first impressions were in the comments and don’t forget to connect with me on social media so you can stay updated on recaps after each episode, previews and for live bach-chats every Bachelor Monday. Also, if you have any requests, give me a shout with the contact form or over on Facebook. Stay tuned for part two in a couple of days as we count down to the first rose on January 2nd!