Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse
…we have 15 more hopeful bachelorettes to cover along with Nick V. and honestly I don’t know if my soul can’t take it. There are only so many bios you can read of aspiring mermaids and dolphin trainers before you start to lose it. I hope you’ll read on for what will likely be a record of the exact moment when my will was broken for good.
Jasmine B.: Steve Harvey > Ernest Hemingway
So, Jasmine starts us off here with a classic Bachelor occupation, Flight Attendant. She really opens up to us and reveals that her worst quality is that she’s too nice. I can already tell she’s going to annoy me, but I’m a sucker and I keep reading. She used to be engaged but her ex didn’t deserve her “greatness’. She also doesn’t chase men because she knows she’s attractive and has “great qualities”. Is your “she cray” alarm going off here too? Jasmine B. is a HUGE fan of Jasmine B – this actually isn’t that big of a deal, I mean, I’d take this over someone who has “sound rage” every day of the week. What does throw me off, however, is that when asked who her favorite author was, she replied “Steve Harvey”. I like watching Steve on the Feud as much as the next guy, and I’m sure his books are fine – but you just have to do better here. It’s like saying Taco Bell is your favorite restaurant. Technically they serve food, and it may taste good (at 1am) but there are objectively better choices. Maybe I’ll have to pick up “Act like a lady, Think like a man” next time I’m out?
PREDICTION: She’s going to get super indignant when she’s eventually booted in week 2 or 3. Expect an angry limo interview.
Jasmine G.: Citizen of Flavortown
There is literally nothing else to discuss when you describe yourself as “the female Guy Fieri”. She makes claim because “He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious!” I have no idea what her travel schedule is like as an NBA dancer (I’m pretty sure it’s from her home to the arena 40ish nights a year) or if she can cook, but does she actually know who Guy Fieri is? She is claiming to be the female version of a chef who is better known for his Hot Topic, early 2000’s-wardrobe and frosted tips than his cooking and (terrible) restaurants. He is the Nickleback of cuisine. The rest of Jasmine G’s interview seems pretty normal but her judgment is clearly flawed – she could be perfect for Nick.
Josephine: Has many (imaginary) friends
After reading a book, she says that “[she has] never been more connected to imaginary people”. I can see why the producers cast her after digging a little bit deeper. The book was “A Thousand Splendid Suns” which is a fictional story set in Afghanistan. This leads me to believe she doesn’t know that Afghanistan is actually a real place unlike Narnia or Hogwarts. She also “used to do musical theater in high school”. Of course she did. She strikes me as the type of person who has a season pass to the renaissance fair.
PREDICTION: She’ll come out of the limo as a character, be kind of a weirdo during the cocktail party and find her way back to Winterfell or wherever she’s from after the first rose ceremony.
Kristina: Definitely making it to hometowns
Bold prediction in the intro, right? Stay with me here. From her bio, it sounds like she was orphaned at a young age and taken in by her adoptive family with her 3 siblings. She would like to be her biological mother for a day to understand what she was going through and to know if “choosing alcohol over kids was worth it” Wow. The rest of her interview is legitimately the most normal and charming thing I’ve read on ABC.com – ever. She likes Princess Fiona from Shrek (not Ariel again thank goodness), believes aging represents milestones and memories, and makes her own outfits (but not in an annoying “I have my own line!” kind of way).
PREDICTION: This gal is in it for the long haul. We’re definitely going to meet her family in hometowns and I feel like she has a real shot at being a favorite or the next Bachelorette (since she’s clearly too good for Nick). She will, understandably, have issues with all the drinking going on – so I’m curious if she perhaps bails on her own?
Lacey: Fifth time’s a charm?
Lacey’s profile is entirely too normal. There are some clues to more going on though as her biggest date fear is a guy going on another date right after being on one with her – this due to prior experience. Her biggest regret is giving 3rd and 4th chances – sounds like some hefty baggage just waiting to be shared during a 1:1 date. Nothing sets the mood like sharing the details of your crippling insecurity. I honestly can’t get a read if she’s gone night one or going to make a deep run.. Lacey is the Washington Capitals of the Bachelor – by all accounts should be a contender but will likely get bounced in the opening round.
Lauren: Closet Survivalist
This “Law School Graduate” (read: unemployed) wants to be a dolphin. You’ve got to be kidding me. You know – I thought we were past the whole wanting to be an ocean mammal stuff but this is why we can’t have nice things. Back to Lauren, she’s from Naples, Florida but states that she could live on a farm and off of the land “any day”. For a JD from South Florida, this sounds like vocational Hail Mary. I’m not 100% sure that she actually knows what “living off the land” means but just in case, I hear Chris Soules aka “Prince Farming” aka “the guy who proposed to a girl where he once birthed a pig” is unsurprisingly back on the market.
Michelle: Um, likes food?
Admittedly, I’m grasping at straws here. Her bio is painfully normal but I will say, being a food truck owner seems like a cool gig – this based upon what I’ve seen on the ABC Family show, “Switched at Birth”. She also had a specific dish she would want to share with each of her fantasy lunches. You know, you do 30 of these, they can’t all be winners. Let’s move on.
Olivia: Can get Nick a deal on khakis
Another boring bio – let’s not waste your or my time on a preview because there is no way she makes it past night one. She’s an “apparel sales representative” which is a fancy way of saying she works at The Gap. The one somewhat interesting fact about Olivia is that she was the kicker on her high school football team.
PREDICTION: She’s going to have a football coming out of the limo because this is literally the only interesting thing she has to discuss. Unfortunately for her, being a kicker isn’t exactly something guys look for in a mate.
Rachel: Actually an attorney
Rachel also has a pretty down-the-middle bio, while not boring, doesn’t leave a ton for us to cover just yet. Unlike Lauren, she’s an actual lawyer from Dallas who is into Justin Bieber and Jean-Michel Basquiat – pretty varied tastes but absolutely nothing wrong with that. What I would like to zoom in on, however, is the fact that she has “Reciprocity” tattooed on her ribcage. This likely means two things:
- She he is a huge fan of being admitted into the bar of other states as an attorney
- She’s going on a show with 29 other women, all fighting for 1 guy and she is about to be incredibly disappointed
Raven: Rolling with the homies
According to a report in the hard-hitting article “Watch Out, Nick! What the Bachelor Doesn’t Know” from In Touch Magazine, Raven, a boutique owner, is selling a collection of Bachelor inspired products like t-shirts and wine glasses that say “Team Raven”. This. This is the brand of crazy we love on “The Bachelor”. When asked who her favorite actress is, her reply was “Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).” That feels like a pretty unnecessary qualification – am I missing something here? Is Brittany Murphy pulling a Tupac and appearing as a hologram at Coachella or releasing posthumous performances like Bing Crosby’s duet of “The Little Drummer Boy” with David Bowie? (Thanks Pop-Up Video).
PREDICTION: Raven will be accused of not being here for the #rightreasons
Sarah’s bio is a gift. Where do we begin? How about she claims to have moved to NYC with “3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 me”. While trying to be cute (and lying), it’s an incredibly reckless life choice to move to New York with what amounts to be 9 blocks of cab fare in your nest egg. Also filed under “poor judgment” would be her love of gambling (as long as she’s winning!). She has a system, as all degenerates do, named the “hit and run” where she simply walks away when she’s ahead. Bless your heart, Sarah. She’s a 1-800-GAMBLER commercial waiting to happen. I just need to get ahead then I can “hit and run”! Lastly, the most romantic gift she’s even gotten was someone named a star for her. Seriously? What a terrible gift. What was the 2nd most romantic gift? A “Slap Chop”? This is the Valentine’s Day equivalent of when George Constanza gave his coworkers donations in their name to the “Human Fund” to get out of buying them actual Christmas gifts. Just past Polaris, is Sarah’s star, Alpha Hit and Runnius. Naming a star is the Chia Pet of celestial gift-giving.
PREDICTION: Oh, the Producers are keeping this one around
Susannah: Likes shoes?
Sorry guys, Sarah is a really hard act to follow and Susannah’s profile is pretty bland. She likes Ariel, wants to be a lioness, flew to Europe, likes shoes, etc. Basically she’s 26. I’m hopeful that she lets out the crazy for us on January 2nd, because there is no “first impression rose” in store for her from me.
Taylor: Going to be “the needy one”
Taylor is that Bachelor contestant who is going to be completely blindsided by the format of the show. She likes to get romantic cards because she “loves words of affirmation”. If she sticks around, she’s going to be the one who gets super jealous when Nick talks to any other girl and needs to know “where she stands”. Not a good look. When she does get that coveted 1:1 time with Nick, she’s likely going to confuse the shit out of him as she hates when guys only talk about themselves or only ask about her. How much do you want to bet that’s a balance Nick V fails to strike?
PREDICTION: She will deliver the annual “I just really wanted to meet someone, and I thought this was going to be it” speech in the limo on her way back to the airport.
She’s from Montreal, so we’re going to be subjected to the obligatory foreign language intro when she gets out of the limo. He’ll be struck by her French skills until she starts speaking English. That’s when we’ll hear that she wants to be an onion because they are a staple item that can be found year-round. Yeah, I guess that’s true? The most romantic gift she’s ever gotten was a promise ring – perhaps she should take a peek at Nick’s past appearances on the show; there ain’t gonna be no stinkin’ promise rings. She says she really values her families opinion because they are usually right – clearly they think she’s on a volunteer mission or something. Au revoir, Vanessa.
Whitney has the potential to be pretty nutty, so I’m excited to see this play out a bit.The no-smile profile picture is a bold move – I take it she fancies herself a badass and way better than the other girls. She would like to be an eagle because she can see life from a different perspective. Perhaps she is implying she’s empathetic but I prefer to assume she thinks she has super powers or ESP. She has no regrets which tells me she probably should.
PREDICTION: She sticks around, and throws a ton of shade at the other girls during her interviews.
Nick V.: The Bachelor America Deserves
…even if he’s not the Bachelor we want. He may be the first true villain cast as the Bachelor (not sure anyone saw Juan Pablo coming) which probably means this is going to a wild (awesome) season, if nothing else. For Nick, this is his 4th go-round on the Bachelor franchise which basically makes him the FDR of reality dating shows. Unfortunately before we dive into the action on January 2nd, we’ll have to endure 20 minutes of Nick: Throwing a football, running shirtless on the beach, looking pensively at the horizon, then just before commercial, taking a waist-up shower in his swim trunks. We can also count on past Bachelors (probably Chris Soules, because what the hell else is he doing now, Sean Lowe and let’s say Ben Higgins) to show up to offer (lame) insights and advice about how “hard it is” to be “The Bachelor”. Nick V. is a new generation of bachelors and I feel like he’s going to ignore those 3 goofballs and blaze his own path. However it pans out, January 2nd, 2017 will be a date which will live in infamy.
PREDICTION: It’s gonna be awesome.
I hope to see everyone at 8pm EST on Jan 2 for our first live BachChat on Facebook and Twitter (@fantaziesuite). I’ll be making official hometown predictions along with my pick to win it all in our first recap right after the first episode. Also be sure to sign up for email updates (on the right) so you know when new posts are up!