We are 30 seconds in and Corrine is “crushing so hard on Nick” and Rachel, the recipient of the first impression rose, is hoping to “continue to make good first impressions on Nick”. Uh, what? Chris Harrison also points out that since there are 22 women, it would be “physically impossible” for Nick to have dates with all of the women this week. No Chris, you are *literally* making that up. We’re clearly in for a long 2 hours – buckle up, Bachelor Nation.
Nick’s First Nightmare Group Date
It was a date all about commitment; this is Nick’s hell scenario. To help Nick choose his future ex-fiance, we got to see the women dressed as different brides – biker, 80’s, princess, shotgun (this one felt a little too close to home for Nick). In a truly evil move by our friends at ABC, not all the women could be brides, rather, some had to be actual bridesmaids at the photo shoot. The disappointment was palatable and while I generally am all for people who sign up for this nonsense getting what they deserve, this felt particularly demeaning. While we watched the montage of Nick’s different wedding themes, we were treated to Corrine’s eye rolls and audible sighs but nothing could compare to the look on her face when she realized that Brittany’s outfit for the date was simply a bikini bottom. She was truly offended that there was an outfit skankier than her bikini bridal gown (Is this a thing?). Not to be outdone, Corrine took off her top (and Nick’s) within seconds of their session and then forced Nick to grope her. Remarkably, Corrine found “the line” with a guy who has had sex with 3 different women on national TV. Poor Nick (I can’t believe I’m writing this) actually looked disturbed. Nick, blink twice if you need help.
As a side note, Alexis continued to be nothing short of charming by embracing her role as the pregnant bride during the photo shoot. We’ve now seen her two weeks in a row in less-than-sexy situations so I’m fearful her time with us coming to a close, but I hope she sticks around to continue to provide us with some laughs.
We then moved on to the evening portion of the date where things started off predictably enough. Corrine jumped right in to get some 1:1 time with Nick which is completely unsurprising but before we knew it, she was back to “steal him” again. This is a tried and true Bachelor(ette) villain move that typically doesn’t get broken out until at least week 3 but as noted more than once during her interviews, Corrine isn’t here to make friends. In what may be a Bachelor first, Corrine came back for a 3rd helping during Taylor’s 1:1 time which left the women (and your fearless host) speechless. To her credit, Taylor wasn’t having any of this and executed a flawless re-steal of Nick moments after being sent away. Corrine is clearly the type of girl that will harbor a grudge, so if I were Taylor, I’d prepare myself for having a ponytail cut off at some point this season. Corrine was emphatic in making sure Taylor was “ok” towards the end of the date – we all know this is a lie. Game on. Corrine gets the date rose, because of course she does, and responds by using the sign off from “Gossip Girl” – whatever that is supposed to mean. (I mean – *Spoiler alert* – she knows that Dan was actually Gossip Girl, right?)
The Most “Bachelor” 1:1 Date Ever
Chris Harrison definitely opened up the pocketbook for this one, folks. Danielle M. was granted the first 1:1 date with Nick and their time together opens with them enjoying a helicopter ride. Classic Bach-move. Before we know it, something appears in the distance…a yacht!…THAT THEY ARE GOING TO LAND ON!!! As if that wasn’t enough, Nick then completes the Bachelor trifecta by suggesting they take a dip in the hot tub – WHICH IS ON THE YACHT! This date is off to an unbelievable start.
We then move on to dinner where, of course, she shares her Tragic Personal Story™ (or as we’ll be referring to them going forward, TPS) to which Nick quickly responded, as he trained himself to, by grabbing her hand to express empathy and emotion and producing our first sympathy rose of the season. The only thing that we missed out on was an “Awkward Private Concert” which I couldn’t believe they didn’t pull off while in Santa Monica (like, seriously just walk 3 blocks east from the pier over to the Promenade and there will be someone performing or at the very least screaming about their need to repent). I guess there is only so much budget to go around and we can’t get too picky given the opulent opening.
Danielle M seems absolutely lovely and she’s a favorite of ours over here at the Fantazie Suite, but if the neonatal nurse thing doesn’t work out, she could very easily start a YouTube channel for people who are creepily obsessed with ASMR
Hey, did you know that Liz slept with Nick?!
What I’ve glossed over here is that throughout roughly the last hour and forty minutes of the 2-hour episode, we got cut-aways of Liz telling Christen all the lurid details of their prior encounter (which was nothing short of shocking to her), interviews of Liz talking about how their evening together was weighing on her, talking to Christen again, being unsure how their secret will ultimate come out, etc. You get the picture, Liz could not shut up about it.
The 2nd terrible date that Nick and the women (Liz included) are subjected to is a visit to the Museum of Broken Relationships which is probably not a Smithsonian outpost. We open with Nick and co. browsing old love letters, odd mementos of lost love and (very conveniently) a wilted rose with the “Neil Lane” ring he chose for Kaitlyn (now available at Kay Jewelers!). Then they attend a workshop where people act like they are breaking up with each other which feels nothing short of miserable. Who the hell would sign up for this? If you really want to practice breaking up with someone, go shopping together at IKEA on a Saturday afternoon. This is where Liz takes it upon herself to air all of their dirty laundry in front of a bunch of strangers. Honestly, she’s lucky he didn’t strap her to a table in his kill room with cellophane after that ordeal.
At the after party, Nick moves quickly to determine what has been shared of his past exploits (you know, the ones not on the ABC family of channels) and Christen, in a WWJD moment, comes clean about what Liz told her. Nick and Liz get together for a discussion to determine if she is there for the #rightreasons, and what may be an early exit record for non-rose ceremony ejections – we say good-bye to Liz. See you on Bachelor in Paradise, I assume?
We are left with an early season “to be continued” so Liz is the only contestant we see head for the limo of shame, and we are teased with a lot of tears and raw emotion over the revelation of Nick’s past with Liz. As noted above, the fact that they are shocked is the only thing shocking about this situation. I have real fears of us devolving into another Juan Pablo-esque season where Nick’s true colors become a bit too clear, too quickly but I have faith that he’ll pull out of his current q-score nose dive at the behest of the producers and play nice for the next couple of weeks. Only time will tell…