1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
Welcome to week 4, Bachelor Nation. Continuing a trend that has become tiresome this season, we open up mid-party. We dive right into the action with Vanessa having an adult conversation with Nick about his intentions and Nick assuring her that he’s, and I’m paraphrasing, here for the #rightreasons.
Taylor and Sarah confront Corinne to which she responds “You do you.. you do you..imma do me… you go girl”. I think Corinne just coined 2017’s version of “YOLO”. I’m pretty down with this, but what was really distracting was the amount of vocal fry coming from this trio. It was pretty hard to listen to and I sort of felt bad for Nick – then I didn’t.
We say goodbye to Christen (who is overcome with sadness) as well as Brittany (who is way too normal). I have a hunch this isn’t the last time we see Christen as her brand of crazy will play extremely well on “Bachelor in Paradise”.
The Bachelor that Made Milwaukee Famous
The next morning, Chris Harrison greets the ladies and lets them know that Nick is going to take them on an adventure around the world. The bachelorettes are beside themselves! We then find out that our first stop is in Wisconsin and the women do a great job feigning excitement (you’re welcome Wisconsin Board of Tourism). Man, I wonder what stop number two is?! Maybe they’ll visit Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio next!
We arrive in Wisconsin to shots of dairy farms and cut to the whole group walking together through Nick’s hometown. Instead of a date card, Nick casually tells everyone as they are walking around that he’s going to take Danielle L on a date then just walks away with her. This guy is unbelievable. They start off touring his hometown of Waukesha which is basically the Paris of South Eastern Wisconsin. Nick points out the Library where he used to study – LOLZ JK – he used to make out with nerds there.
All Nick’s Exes Live in Texas, and Nevada, and Wisconsin
We then bump into, wouldn’t you know it, one of Nick’s exes! While so much of this is clearly staged, I have a feeling this could have been an organic run-in. Nick has (probably) left a trail of broken women across most of the upper Mid West so the odds weren’t that long. Nick, being the gentleman that he is, is quick to compliment his ex, in front of his date – niiiice. Danielle is supes relieved that she only had nice things to say about Nick. I hate to break it to you, but Nick is definitely the type of guy that makes girlfriends sign an NDA.
We close the date with our first Awkward Private Concert (APC) of the season featuring Chris Lane. Unsurprisingly, I had no idea who he was but apparently seeing him with an auditorium full of extras was on Nick’s bucket list.
Farm Date – Because, Wisconsin
Our group date this week takes us to a dairy farm which his about as stereotypically Wisconsin as it gets. The farm is way north of Milwaukee. Like two-thirds of the way to Steve Avery’s auto salvage yard. The women and Nick take turns squealing/attempting to milk a cow unsuccessfully until Jaimie steps up to the plate. Given her past experience with the fairer sex, it’s unsurprising that she knows how to handle a teat. Corinne simply can not accept this and is overcome with jealousy and rage, per usual.
After the gang finishes up with their first chore, Nick makes the women literally shovel cow manure. Like, that’s it. This is the date. No cute game, no pay off, just hard labor. This apparently is the line for Corinne and she slinks off to the sidelines to sit this one out. Corinne is super annoying but I don’t totally fault her for taking a pass on this one. This is, without a doubt, emotional abuse. I can’t help but think Nick is systematically breaking the women down in an effort to build up his chosen tribute as he sees fit. I’m open to other theories, but I’m having a hard time unpacking the point of this date.
Let Corinne Nap!
As we wrap up this nightmare, the ladies dive into throwing more shade at Corinne while she’s not in the room. As this is going on, we are treated to some excellent interview clips of Corinne. She can’t believe they had to do “farm chores”. Raquel should be there to do the chores for her. She’s annoyed that the girls have a problem with her napping because Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps – she should be able to take naps! #SeemsLegit
Kristina lays into Corinne during some 1:1 time for her antics which as previously discussed is not a recipe for success on this show. However, in a shocking turn of events after going HAM, she gets the date rose.
Nothing Creepy about this Date…
Raven pulls the last 1:1 date of the night and it’s becoming increasingly clear that there is basically no budget for this week’s episode. They spend their day at Nick’s 11-year old sister’s soccer game followed by a trip to the local roller skating rink. It sounds like someone from “To Catch a Predator” planned their date. To underscore how truly exciting this trip is – we’re in a town, in Wisconsin, that actually still has a roller skating rink. To Raven’s credit, she’s a total sport throughout this date. If it weren’t being televised on ABC, however, she would have walked out on this bozo by now. I do sort of love that they skated to “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer – as it’s clearly Nick’s fantasy to stumble upon a “She’s All That” situation.
Before He Cheats
Wrapping up what could be the worst week of dates ever on the Bachelor, Raven and Nick sit down to dinner in the middle of an empty museum and things get weird. Everyone has a Tragic Personal Story™ and it should be expected to hear at least one of these each week, but even Nick was caught off guard this time. Raven dives into a story about how she caught her ex cheating on her. OK – I’m listening. She was tipped off by a friend as to what was going down, to which her mom tossed her car keys telling her to “go”. Getting bold, but I’m still tracking. Raven arrives at her boyfriends, walks into the house and arrives at a locked bedroom. This is where things turn into a Carrie Underwood song. Raven kicks in the door finding her boyfriend with another women. She then goes on to share entirely too much detail about what exactly she saw (clinical details of the homewrecker and the specific act) to which Nick’s only possible reply was “Oh, wow.” We round out the story by finding out that Raven proceeded to beat this woman with her own stiletto.
Nick does his best to pivot out of this exchange by talking about how he was cheated on and assures Raven that he’s never cheated (because he’s now legit terrified of her). Raven gets a Fear Rose and they end their date by rollerblading around the museum.
Fun Fact: The lobby of that art museum normally has a huge Chihuly glass sculpture right where that table was. I’m glad they moved it before Nick and Raven started rollerblading.
Raven lets us know at the end of the segment that she is “falling in love” with Nick. I think she’s the first one to declare this – so props for that. Prepare for a flood of women trying to keep pace and “falling for” Nick in week 5.
Ugh, Not Again…
We get to the cocktail party in the last segment of the show, so I have a sinking feeling that we’re going to be left with the third cliffhanger in a row. Danielle L sheepishly “steals” Nick first because she has a lot to say to him. She doesn’t and the women are incensed since she already has a rose. Taylor is becoming increasingly annoying by planting a flag in the moral high ground this season. She takes it upon her self to “steal” Nick from Danielle L ASAP and then continues her feud with Corinne right after.
There is always one person each season who takes things way too seriously and clearly doesn’t “get it”. Taylor is this person, taking over for past annoying past contestants like Caila. I’m not sure if she’ll devolve into the type of past cast member who thinks she is way more important and interesting than she really is, but the signs are definitely there. Let’s just hope she doesn’t go “Full-Caila” on us (see below). The ceremony is “to be continued” – but the only contestant we actually care if she sticks around or not (Corinne) is teased to be part of our first 2:1 date of the season next week with her arch-nemesis, Taylor. More predictions and analysis on this to come in our Week 5 Preview.