The Bachelor: Episode 5 Recap – New Orleans

The Bachelor: Episode 5 Recap – New Orleans

Welcome back, Fantazie Suite Nation! If you’re anything like me, the suspense of the Taylor / Corinne showdown has been eating at me all week. Just kidding, ABC’s attempt at manufacturing drama is super annoying and if we’re being honest, this week’s revelation of Corinne’s appearance in a Juicy J and 2 Chainz video was way more interesting. True to form, she appeared to be nodding off in the video – that girl really needs her 8 hours.

Anyhow,after having a long and boring discussion about “emotional intelligence” with Taylor, Corinne slinks off to find Nick. She dials up the crazy and opens up to him about how Taylor is here for the #wrongreasons. Talking about another contestant is an advanced move and almost never works out, but Nick takes the bait (because he’s a dummy) and thanks Corinne for being so honest with him.

Please never leave, Corinne

Our Wisconsin rose ceremony takes place in a frigid barn fit for a Chris Soules proposal. After distributing his roses (and I have no idea how Josephine and Whitney are still here) we say farewell to Astrid and Sarah. Sarah is destroyed and lets us know that she just wants love but has no idea how to find it. Nothing like young, beautiful people worrying about becoming spinsters.

Beignets on the Bayou

This week we get a 1:1, a group date and a 2:1 – which thanks to ABC’s loose lips, we know is with Corinne and Taylor. The first date is a 1:1 with Fantazie Suite favorite, Rachel. This woman is way too good for Nick but we root for her in hopes that she lands a spot as the next Bachelorette. We’re treated to the date version of a travel brochure for New Orleans (thanks tourism board). Nick begrudgingly eats beignets and looks super uncomfortable doing so. Abs don’t just happen, people. They then join a second line parade followed by watching some live music for 45 seconds. These guys are all over each other all day and treat New Orleans like their personal hourly-rate motel. Some of the locals appear to take exception as pictured below.

The happy couple awkwardly making out at the news stand

We sit down to diner in some creepy Mardi Gras float warehouse. This place could easily double as one of Nick’s kill-rooms. Rachel naturally starts the conversation by diving into a Tragic Personal Story™. She lets Nick know that the last time she was in New Orleans, she was in a second line but it was for a funeral. Not allowing himself to be sucked into having feelings, Nick quickly changes the subject. He asks about her family and finds out that Rachel’s father is a federal judge. He had the same look on his face that Jesse Pinkman had when he found out that Walt’s brother-in-law was a DEA agent. In spite of this revelation, Rachel pulls a rose and our first date comes to a close.

Oh, your dad is a federal judge…cool…

What do women love? Ghosts!

The women arrive at a beautiful estate expecting a classy, romantic day with Nick. Instead, they find out they are visiting the most haunted home in Louisiana. Of course they are – let the emotional abuse continue! At least it’s not a pointless date of hard labor on a dairy farm, right? When they hear what is going on, Raven declares, “If I see a ghost, I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus!” –  I’m gonna be honest, I wasn’t the biggest Raven fan at the beginning of the season, but I would totally buy a “Team Raven” wine glass from her Arkansas boutique at this point.

This date is incredibly boring and trite, so we won’t spend too much time on it. Lights go out, the doll that belongs to the resident ghost (Mae) disappears, a chandelier falls down, etc, etc. After about 20 minutes of this nonsense, we get back to this being a dating show and Danielle M gets the “Enchanted Rose” thanks to the heavy-handed “Beauty and the Beast” integration. Yawn, moving on.

The Battle of New Orleans

We finally get to the interesting part of this episode; the 2:1 date between Taylor and Corinne that has been teased for the last 3 weeks. Throughout the episode, we hear from each bachelorette individually discussing, at length, why they are right for Nick / why they other girl is a terrible person. Hey, did you know that Taylor has a master’s degree? It’s in clinical psychology. She never talks about it. Ugh – if she says “emotional intelligence” one more time, i’m gonna lose it.

The date opens with the throuple  taking a boat into the swamp and meeting a voodoo priestess. Corinne, being the (apparently) good Christian that she is, is immediately visibly uncomfortable with what is going on. Apparently, this is the line for her. They then go to meet a “reader” / wife of one of the producers who will do a tarot card reading for them. Given the “tense energy”, she conveniently asks to read the women one at a time. Taylor goes first, and seems totally validated by her reading (which is totally legit).

Voodoo on the Bayou

While the first reading is going on, Corinne takes this opportunity to tell Nick about how she has been emotionally abused, bullied and called stupid by Taylor. Woah – this is next level crazy and definitely flying close to the sun but Nick is totally buying it. Either that, or more likely, he just wants to hang on to the most morally-liberal woman in the bunch.

Next, it’s time for Corinne’s reading and for Taylor to get some 1:1 time which is dominated by Nick trying to reconcile all of the nonsense that he was just fed to him. Corinne, pleased with herself and not wanting to leave the date rose to chance, takes this opportunity to lean into the whole New Orleans experience and inquires about the mechanics of voodoo dolls. What appears to be the least scrupulous voodoo practitioner ever produces a Taylor doll without batting an eye for her. She essentially takes out a voodoo hit on Taylor which is a totally gangster move.

Taylor, literally can’t even

After all this, Nick and the ladies sit down with the date rose. He mumbles about this being a really tough decision or whatever and brings the 2:1 part of this (surprisingly boring) date to an end by giving Corinne the rose to the surprise of no one (not named Taylor). Nick and Corinne (voodoo doll and rose in tow) get back in their swamp boat and head back to civilization while Taylor is left behind for the gators and swamp people to sort out. In one of the odder moments of this generally bizarre show, we see Taylor walking through the swamp at night (which feels like a legitimately dangerous decision) and finding the voodoo priestess and her crew. I have no idea what was going on at this point as Taylor just walks up to them for what appeared to be a blessing/curse in some sort of religious rite. This feels like really  bad ju-ju for the sake of manufactured prime time drama.

Taylor, left behind in the swamp
At this point, it’s like 9:54pm and it’s clear ABC is going to torture us with another ill-placed and not that suspenseful “to be continued” as Nick and Corinne sit down to their victory dinner. After Corinne lets Nick know that “this is nice” , we see Taylor on a swamp boat headed back to New Orleans (I guess Uber goes everywhere?). We see some dramatic cuts of Corinne and Nick talking and Taylor marching towards their date fuming about how she’s going to expose Corinne. Whatever Taylor, see you next week for the first segment, I guess.

Queen of the Credits

I feel compelled to give a shout out to another favorite of the Fantazie Suite, Alexis. She is absolutely hilarious and seems to have a great sense of humor. I really wish we’d see her during the episodes but we’ve had maybe 30 seconds of time with her since the photoshoot during the main part of the show. That being said, she is the runaway star of the credits segment which is typically reserved for bloopers. This week, we find Alexis getting chased around by Nick in a Nicolas Cage mask (one of her 2 biggest fears). As a bonus, take a look at the mausoleum he owns in New Orleans – it’s too bad this wasn’t part of the group date.
We hope to see more of Alexis this season, but if all else fails, I have to believe she’ll be a big part of “Bachelor in Paradise”.  She’s easily the 2nd most interesting character this season (behind Corinne obvi) – so hopefully ABC gifts us more screen time for everyone’s favorite (aspiring) dolphin trainer.
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