In case you were abandoned in the swamp during a voodoo ceremony, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing what shows up on a date card this week. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Hello, Fantazie Suite Nation! This week promises to be The One with All the Tears, as Nick makes a tearful confession, the group date gets super competitive, and Kristina tells us about her childhood in Russia with an alcoholic mother. Also, Corinne’s still around, so she’ll gin up some kind of controversy to stay in the conversation. But before we get to the bets this week, there’s something that needs to be addressed.
We Need to Talk About ABC:
The all-smiling Chris Harrison giveth, and he taketh away. In this case, he giveth us a Fantasy League so that we can play along at home and talk about The Bachelor all week long, but he taketh away any kind of suspense for anyone engaging with the brand through social media. Look at these bets:
Which tropical island do Nick and the bachelorettes visit? St. Thomas, St. John, St. Martin, St. Croix
In the last paragraph of Nick’s weekly diary on People.com, he says:
“Next week the drama heats up as the women and I travel to St. Thomas. There I’m faced with shocking truths and unexpected goodbyes.”
We’re off to the birthplace of Kelsey Grammer!
The bachelorettes show off their competitive sides while playing which activity on a group date? Tug of war, Volleyball, Badminton, Limbo
They play volleyball, which brings out Vanessa’s competitive side.
Which bachelorette does Nick invite to be his guest on this week’s romantic one-on-one date?
Kristina gets to tell us her Tragic Personal Story™. Yahoo assures us it’s the most Dramatic Backstory Ever!
What’s with all the spoilers, ABC social media team? It’s like none of this really matters. Oh, wait…
Bets that haven’t been ruined by the show yet:
Nick learns to say “kiss” in what language? Spanish, Russian, French, Italian
Analysis: The main languages of St. Thomas are English and Virgin Islands Creole, which is based on English. So the most obvious choice here would be that he learns how to say “kiss” in Russian from Kristina, before she makes us all cry by talking about eating lipstick instead of food and living with her alcoholic birth mother.
Which two words does Nick use to describe the type of relationship he wants? ‘Spontaneous and loving’, ‘Trustworthy and exciting’, ‘Communicative and honest’, ‘Adventurous and raw’
Analysis: The first two words that popped into our heads when thinking about the type of relationship Nick is looking for would be “non-monogamous and bondage-friendly,” but those aren’t options. So we ask you, what relationship words would you pair with this face?
Spontaneous, exciting, and adventurous all seem way off target as descriptors. However, if it’s coming in the middle of some tearful confession, that is exactly the kind of face you make when asking for a communicative and honest relationship.
Bet: Communicative and Honest
Fake but Fun Bets:
TRUE or FALSE: Taylor will be seen beyond the first commercial.
Analysis: Remember how everyone was traumatized about Nick having slept with Liz and then we all agreed to forget about that particular gimmick for the rest of the season? Taylor refusing to leave after losing the 2:1 is going to go the same way. We have more important things to spend time on, like what color lipstick Kristina had to eat as a child, or whether Vanessa prefers to play back row or front row.
Who will NOT be shown crying this episode? Alexis, Jaimi, Whitney, Nick
Analysis: Alexis and Jaimi don’t seem to have much time left on this season, so there’s the potential for tears in their exit interviews. Kristina’s backstory is the saddest thing ever, according to Yahoo News. And Whitney has been through this entire season and is still hoping to speak her second complete sentence on air. Nick may be a robot, but it looks like real tears trickling down his face as he talks to the girls in the hotel room. So let’s go off of past experience and say that Alexis doesn’t seem to let much get to her personally. She’ll probably skip her way to the Limo of Despair and regale the driver with some story about that time she thought she saw a dolphin in the water, but it turned out to be a bag full of medical waste. New Jersey is gross, you guys.
True or False: Corinne goes home this episode.
Analysis: Corinne has served her purpose. She got to be on Ellen, her Juicy J video made the viral rounds, and she’s already picking out which bikinis to pack for Paradise. The producers know that the entire viewing audience has had enough of her, so they’ve cut out all mention of her in Saint Thomas, even going so far as to suggest she gets sent home during the 2:1 when Taylor breaks up her dinner date.
But way back in the “This Season On” trailer, we saw Corinne attempting to seduce Nick with her “top notch” sex abilities and her magical metallic body parts. There is also this to consider:
Rachel and Corinne, on the same furniture, listening to Nick telling us all his fears of nationally televised romantic pairing not working out so hot yet again. So she’s definitely making it past the New Orleans Rose Ceremony. Here’s how this plays out in our minds:
-Corinne isn’t chosen for a date in St. Thomas.
-The night of the group date, Corinne surprises Nick in his hotel room with an indecent proposal.
-Nick either takes the bait or sends her back to her room.
-The next day, Nick tearfully gives the girls his #rightreasons confession, with Corinne in the room.
With another cliffhanger sure to be on the way, we won’t see the St. Thomas Rose Ceremony for another week. So Corinne doesn’t get the exit she deserves. At least not yet.
Check out how you did last week with our Week 5 recap here