In case you walked out onto the veranda after a tearful confession and don’t know what’s going on, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing what shows up on a date card this week. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Welcome to week 7, Bachelor Nation. After last week’s dramatic cliffhanger in Saint Thomas, we were left to wonder whether Nick had walked out on this season for good (he hasn’t). This week looks to bring us some questioning moments, a visit from Chris Harrison, and enough tears to cook up an olympic-sized pool of cheese pasta. Let’s see what’s in store:
Official Week 7 Bets:
Nick’s confidence has been rattled. Which of the following does he NOT say in his candid conversation with Chris Harrison? ‘I could be wrong again’, ‘I’m terrified’, ‘I think it’s time to walk away’, ‘There’s a million ways it won’t work.’
Analysis: Nick is obsessed with his past Bachelor failures, and is determined not to fail again this season. “I could be wrong again” is completely on-brand, as is “I’m terrified.” Of the other two options, “There’s a million ways it won’t work” is a pretty vague and meaningless thing to say, while “I think it’s time to walk away” would imply direct, physical action. There is no way that Nick is actually walking away when he’s so close to molding these women into suitable tributes.
Bet: “I think it’s time to walk away.”
TRUE OR FALSE: The bachelorettes argue over whether Nick will decide to stay or go.
Analysis: It looks like we might see an entire episode devoted to this manufactured crisis of confidence. And since we can’t be expected to sit in front of our TVs and watch Nick cry for an entire episode, there has to be some kind of conflict between the women.
Bet: TRUE. It’s better TV that way.
Where do Nick and Chris have their frank conversation? On the beach, In a hotel room, Over the phone, In a hot tub
Analysis: You know that the god Chris Harrison, when he’s not picking up the Bachelor’s rejects at the hotel bar after the rose ceremony, is busy racking up frequent flyer miles. So there is zero chance he stayed back in New Orleans. And while it would be hilarious for Nick to join him in a hot tub, this is The Very Serious Episode. Let’s have some sense of decorum. Here’s the truth:
Bet: On the beach
How many times does Nick cry this week? 0, 1, 2, 3
Analysis: Nick has demonstrated the ability to show human emotions, up to and including crying at appropriate moments. It isn’t a question of how many times he cries, but rather how many times he turns off the water works, only to start them back up again. This episode might end up like the one on Des’s season where Brooks left. We were forced to watch Des cry in a variety of locations for forty-five long minutes across two episodes before she eventually shrugged and said “I guess so” to Chris’s proposal (they have a baby now!).
So we guess we’re saying that you should bet on the maximum amount of on-screen misery.
While the bachelorettes contemplate the fate of a fairytale ending, which woman says she’s “worried that he’s going to throw in the towel?”
Analysis: Of the six bachelorettes left, we can rule out a few out of hand. It would be an admission of weakness, and Corinne is incapable of something like that. Rachel has probably already seen the paperwork making her the next Bachelorette, so she’s on to the next thing. Nick leaving wouldn’t crack Kristina’s top 40 most tragic things list. Vanessa seems a little too close to being over Nick’s bullshit. So that leaves two: Danielle and Raven. So let’s look at the phrasing itself: it’s sports-related and a little folksy. Wouldn’t that point toward the girl who taught Nick a Razorback cheer as she got out of the limo?
Fake but Fun Bets:
TRUE or FALSE: Nick is into breathplay.
Analysis: Our favorite moment from last week was Jasmine’s fantastic meltdown. Even before she put her hands on him, you could see Nick looking for the right time to jump into the conversation and gently show Jasmine off to the Limo of Despair. But then this happened:
That look is just perfect. Nick’s eyes are screaming, “I need an adult” to the producer offscreen. He’s not at all into choking, at least not when it’s inflicted on him. All that we were missing was his safeword (fun fact: Nick’s safeword is ‘catamaran’).
Bet: FALSE Catamaran! Catamaran!
At what point in the episode will Corinne attempt to cheer Nick up with her “sexabilities”? First half hour, Second half hour, Third half hour, Last half hour.
Analysis: This is the moment the season has been building toward: Corinne sacrificing herself as the golden, er platinum, offering for the good of the season. It was teased out as the middle act of the “this season on…” trailer. You had better believe that ABC will get its money’s worth out of this gambit.
Bet: Last half hour. We won’t know whether Nick takes the bait until next week.
Check out how you did last week with our Week 6 recap here