Happy Valentine’s Day, Fantazie Suite Nation! We’re at week 7 of Nick V’s quest to find consensual co-habitation and it’s clear we’re at the part of the season when ABC needs to remind us, #BachelorNation, that our Bachelor is taking things super seriously. Either that or we’re deep into witnessing Nick’s long game with the remaining 6 women. I’m not saying that Nick is a bad guy, I’m just not ready to give him a TSA Global Entry card.
We left off last week with Nick tearfully questioning if “this is going to work out” in front of the women. This is a lot like the person you know that finds it necessary to vaguely complain about life on Facebook. They aren’t actually looking for help; they just want you to acknowledge their “struggle” and tell them how “they got this!”. Nick is definitely this person and he’s telling America that he’s unsure if he’s going to find his soulmate over 10ish weeks on a network prime time series. Sorry, that makes two of us.
A Frank Conversation f/ Chris Harrison
Just when things seem the most dire, out of the mist appears a linen-clad Chris Harrison. No explanation is offered, but you and I both know that Chris isn’t passing up 10 minutes of honest work for a free trip to the Caribbean. It’s time for a bro-talk about how Nick is feeling and he declares that there are “a million reasons this won’t work out”. No Nick – there are only 6 reasons left at this point.
On cue to initiate the “I” of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system – “Inspire Hope”, upon returning to the hotel room with women, Nick declares that he sees what he wants in the remaining women. There are tears of joy, and Nick’s evil plan is almost complete. It’s pretty shocking how quickly they went from Nick doubting everything to Nick being absolutely fine, but thank goodness we pulled out of that nosedive of a story line.
And just like that, Nick (the producers) cancel the cocktail party and decide to head to Bimini – where ever the hell that is. (I googled it, it’s apparently in the Bahamas).
The first date, as we arrive in Bimini, is a 1:1 with Vanessa. You may remember her as the women who vomited and then made out with Nick. The date starts out on a boat and I have to ask are the producers trying to get Vanessa sea sick so she’ll yoink again? (Yes)
The yacht pulls up to the SS Sapona Shipwreck where Nick and Vanessa are going to snorkel and look for treasure or whatever. The exploring lasts under a minute with Nick going in for some kisses followed by some underwater frolicking. This date couldn’t be going better!
So, I lied. This date takes a pretty hard turn once we get to dinner. It’s as if Vanessa has never met the man sitting across from her. As some pretty serious piano music enters the audio mix, she lets Nick know that she’s falling in love with him. Nick recoils and then talks about all of the women he’s fallen in love with on ABC and how it hasn’t worked out. Yes, this is exactly what she wants to hear right now. He also tells her he “really, really likes her”. Yikes – Vanessa is pretty upset about this, but honestly she should have known better than to expect Nick to show unscripted emotions.
Shark Week on the Bachelor?
Corinne, Raven and Kristina join Nick V on this week’s group date and we start off on a yacht that is also a catamaran – a twofer! Corinne wastes no time getting into her bikini but she somehow failed to realize the other women also came in swim suits under their clothes. Nick takes a page from the cliche warm-weather dating handbook and applies sunscreen to Kristina while Corinne broods in the background.
Things go south when Nick announces over champagnes that this date will be more than lounging on a boat. We’re going to see some wildlife – man I hope it’s not wild pigs again, that was pretty creepy. No, Nick, being the Bond Villain that he is, lets the women know that they’re going to be swimming with sharks. Surely there will be a protective cage? Yeah right- not if Nick is to complete the women’s metamorphosis into his perfect tributes. It’s a little too much for Kristina and just as Nick schemed, she’s shaking in fear. She lets us know that she could only be comforted by Nick’s embrace. She might be too far gone for release back into the real world after all this is over. For her sake, I hope she either marries Nick or gets a free pass to Promises Malibu.
After we get back to shore, it’s time for the evening 1:1 time with each of the women. After talking about how “this is nice” with each of the women, he offers Raven a rose. We’re off to Hoxie, Arkansas, ya’ll! Nick takes her by the hand and leads her to an “Awkward Private Concert”. Is this band so obscure that they aren’t giving their name and pretending like it’s Raven’s favorite group? Either way, Corinne is suuuuuuuuper pissed and the wheels are definitely turning on how she’s going to win back Nick’s attention (Sex. The answer is always sex.)
Welcome to “the friend zone”
Danielle M. gets the next 1:1 date with Nick and while Danielle seems like a great person, man is this date boring. They start out by riding bikes and then they join some local Bimini children for a basketball game. Not only is this date ripped from the pages of a 4th grade yearbook, but Nick also decides this would be a good time to dunk on a 10 year old. Not cool, bro.
They sit down to dinner and tell me if I’m the only one who was straining to hear what Danielle M was saying? It’s clear that Nick isn’t into ASMR as he tells her that he thinks they have a “really strong friendship”. Ugggggg! I actually feel bad for her as he tells her that he’s just not that into her. She seems like a pretty normal gal and definitely deserving of a great guy. Ok, I take it back – I don’t feel bad for her, I feel relieved that she has been released from the hostage situation that is The Bachelor: Season 21. We get a tearful goodbye from Danielle M, and as she seems like a genuinely nice person – or at least someone who got a good edit, we wish her well.
No means no
It’s the moment we’ve been waiting 7 weeks for. ABC has teased this hotel encounter over and over and given Nick’s past (we’re looking at you, Kaitlyn Bristowe), it felt like a lock for something nefarious to go down. Corinne heads up to Nick’s room as he’s “just having a nightcap” – what is this, 1958? She lets Bachelor Nation know that she knows how to please a man with her “platinum vagine”. ABC has played this line approximately 37 times in previews but it still kinda creeps me out. Corinne’s philosophy is that every problem can be solved with sex. She’s like the nurse in Ferris Bueller.
Nick pops a bottle of champagne and Corinne starts moving in for the kill. After some heavy petting, they move to Nick’s bedroom. Corinne lets Nick (+ America) know her 2nd base rules like a professional working girl: “Two hands on at all times. Never jiggle; lightly massage.” What follows is 30 seconds of super uncomfortable audio-only footage. Nick, asserting he’s here for the #rightreasons, says he wants to hold off. Corinne is dispatched and takes her walk of shame back to the house with the other women.
As an aside, how great would it be if Chris Harrison had Nick show him on a doll where Corinne touched him?
Rachel’s 1:1 with the “Local Flavor”
By now, it should be apparent that Chris Harrison is struggling to keep the lights on with some pretty, how should we put it, frugal dates. Nick’s last 1:1 of the week is with Rachel and they end up at a run-down tiki bar in the off season. Instead of a private concert, Nick and Rachel get dating advice from the local vagrant who appears to be drinking a 40 at the other end of the bar. And just like that, Rachel is trotting back into the house full of hope. I’m not sure what just happened here, but ABC just executed a 1:1 date for like $9.50.
So who is going to hometowns?
You know what ABC – I get why you have cliffhangers, but maybe we don’t need one every week? Here’s what we do know:
- Raven is bringing Nick to Hoxie – color me surprised
- Danielle M is probably stuck in a TSA line in Bimini because the agent can’t make our her whispers
- In the last moments of the episode, Nick also sends home Kristina. This probably doesn’t crack her top 100 tragic life experiences, so I think she’ll be ok.
- Apparently it’s not a done deal that Nick is going to meet Raquel, er, I mean Corinne’s family (along with Rachel and Vanessa’s).
- Someone from Nick’s past (It’s clearly Andi) is going to “confront him”. Hey, can I confront someone from my past in an exotic location like Bimini?
Here’s how this will play out. Andi shows up, explains to Nick why he sucks at girls and then, re-energized, Nick dispenses his hometown roses with gusto.
BREAKING: Rachel named the Bachelorette
We’re thrilled to find out that Rachel was selected at the next Bachelorette. Our loyal readers know how highly we regard her and are truly thankful she’ll get a chance to find love with someone not named Nick Viall. What we need to talk about is the fact that ABC announced this WHILE SHE IS STILL ON THE BACHELOR. I mean, if we wanted spoilers, we’d read Reality Steve. Regardless, this is a fantastic move and we can’t wait to dive into Rachel’s upcoming season as The Bachelorette. Congratulations!