In case you were busy keeping your dignity intact by refusing to appear onscreen with the man who’s dating your daughter alongside three other women, ABC is hosting a weekly Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors by guessing which girl tries to buy Nick’s love with an expensive outfit. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Let’s get right into Week 9, Bachelor Nation. This is the Fantazie Suite’s first Fantasy Suite Week, although we already know what to expect once we get in there. And with Nick, we expect there to be awkwardness, a lack of drama, and a feeling of dissatisfaction when it’s over.
Official Week 9 Bets:
After Andi surprises Nick, he offers her a drink. Which of the following does she choose? Wine, Water, Tequila, Whiskey
Analysis: It’ll take some of the hard stuff for Andi to talk about “the hard stuff” with Nick. Wine is too low ABV, and tequila says, “Let’s make some bad decisions tonight.” Whiskey seems like the better choice of liquid courage. Also, take a look at this from the teaser commercial:
That’s a bottle of Bulleit Rye, if we’re not mistaken.
TRUE OR FALSE: Andi gives Nick Fantasy Suite advice.
Analysis: Speaking of the hard stuff… Hey Yo!
Poor Nick. Andi called his bedroom talk, “cringe-worthy, lady boner-killing, [and] awkward.” Caitlyn immediately regretted sleeping with him in Ireland. Liz used robot arms to describe their drunken hookup at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. What could potentially be worse? Hey, maybe we can bring one of those girls back and have her give him advice. Number one, don’t play a game of “Would You Rather?” after you’ve taken off your clothes.
Bundle up! Nick takes the remaining bachelorettes to the Arctic. Which country do they visit? Norway, Finland, Denmark, Sweden
Analysis: In case you haven’t watched the “This season on…” trailer from the very beginning of this season 3,658 times like some people who shall remain nameless, you might not know that this has been telegraphed from the very first night we were introduced to Nick’s harem. The next couple weeks will feature sleigh rides, reindeer, and a lot of chandeliers made from antlers. And more to the point…
That’s Rachel, toasting “To Finland” with Nick while a slab of fish cooks next to the fire they’re sitting around.
Which household chore does Nick claim to be “fantastic” at? Vacuuming, Ironing, Washing Dishes, Taking out the trash
Analysis: Nick can’t be good at taking out the trash; Corinne’s still here (rimshot). Looking at those four choices, it seems like ironing is the only one of them that would take any special skill or practice. It also strikes us as the most likely to come up in conversation in Finland. So why not, he’s fantastic at ironing!
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelorette will take a dip in a hot tub with Nick during this episode.
Analysis: This season went heavy with hot tubs at the beginning (even putting one trackside for the group date with Olympians). But we haven’t seen one since Nick took the girls to Milwaukee. This seems like a good place to return to the bubbles. Picture the tableau: Nick and one of the final three (let’s say Vanessa), clinking champagne glasses in a hot tub with snowy trees in the background? It just feels right.
Which bachelorette does NOT receive a rose before the Fantasy Suite dates?
Analysis: Well we know that Rachel is in (see above). Last week’s rockiest hometown date was Vanessa’s, which is usually ABC’s attempt at misdirection (Jojo’s hardest hometown last season was eventual winner Jordan). And while the sexual tension during that swamp date was palpable to anyone who was willing to ignore what Nick and Raven probably smelled like in the moment, Corinne has been impossible to kick off. It seems clear to us that Nick is practically panting at the idea of taking her into the Fantasy Suite.
Fake, but fun bets:
TRUE or FALSE: Nick will attempt to go for the trifecta.
Analysis: The eternal question of Fantasy Suite Week, always whispered, but rarely explicitly stated: Just how much sex is going on behind those closed doors? In a seven-year-old 20/20 segment, Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss said that the average season sees the guy hooking up with three women. But Fleiss goes out of his way to say that it doesn’t always happen during the Fantasy Suite week dates. Despite his very public lack of success in past iterations, Nick seems like the greedy type. We think he’ll make a solid play for all three women this week. Will he succeed? All available evidence points to “no.”
When will Rachel leave the show? This Week, Next Week, After the Final Rose
Analysis: We know that Rachel is going to Finland, but we also know that she’s the next Bachelorette. Is ABC so desperate to have the most diverse cast ever that they’ll take all of the suspense out of the rest of this season? We don’t think that they’re quite that craven, and that Rachel won’t be one of the final two. Which means, given the entirety of this season, that Nick will tearfully let her go at the beginning of next week’s episode, right?
Bet: Next Week
What’s the real reason Mr. Lindsay couldn’t be on last week? “On business”, too much pride, never actually told that Rachel would be doing this, busy filming his own reality show, “Let’s Get Judgy”
Analysis: We’d believe anything but Rachel’s excuse of “On business.”
Bet: Please let it be “Let’s Get Judgy”