Holy crap, the season is almost here!!! I have to admit, I’m a little upset at Chris Harrison that he made us wait until only five days out to see the Bachelor Bios. But I can forgive our benevolent, rose-bestowing overlord, as he’s given us a fine crop of Tickle Monsters, Denzel Washington admirers, and dudes with tattoos in strange places this season. Let’s meet Rachel’s 31 suitors!
Adam, 27, a real estate agent from Dallas, TX
This preview of the first night tells us that “Adam arrives with a surprise friend – an identical dummy named “A.J.” – much to Rachel’s delight.” Just so we’re clear, I never want to be alone in the room with A.J. Adam lettered in football in college. Is that even a thing? This guy is definitely going to let everyone know he played football before night 1 is over. He’s also likely going to be the “a bit too competitive guy” during a group date. Expect eye black.
Alex, 28, an information systems supervisor from Grosse Pointe Park, MI
Which is a bigger sign that he’s not from this planet: that he once ate a live salamander or that music “isn’t a big part” of his life? Alex couldn’t even come up with a third favorite musical group beyond Coldplay and the Beatles. This guy is the opposite of joie de vivre. Who can only name 2 musical acts? On top of this, his favorite artist is, wait for it, “The Rock”. He also likes giving practical gifts which I can get behind, until I read that his definition of “practical” is a car. At least Dexter Morgan knew enough to give out donuts.
Anthony, 26, an education software manager from Chicago, IL
Anthony is a Fulbright scholar who’s taught in Indonesia and the Ivory Coast, and his favorite book is by Haruki Murakami. What. The hell. Is he doing. On this show? Not to be lost, he thinks his desert island would have flesh eating plants. Um, what? Strange desert island aside, this guy seems like a contender to go deep into the season.
Blake E., 31, an aspiring drummer from Marina del Rey, CA
When he was announcing the cast on FB Live, Chris Harrison flat-out ethered Blake E’s drumming “aspirations”: “At a certain point, you need to start calling it a hobby.” He tells us that he’s a sucker for a “nice butt and a beautiful smile”. He apparently doesn’t listen to Bel Biv Devoe. Who doesn’t know that you “never trust a big butt and a smile”?!?
Blake K., 29, a U.S. Marine veteran from San Francisco, CA
Blake is as bland as a military veteran can get. His bio doesn’t offer anything interesting, let alone worthy of our ridicule. I don’t think he’ll catch Rachel’s attention at all. His answers are so down the middle that it’s as if he got the interview questions and just asked Siri to answer them for him. Oh, please let Blake K be some sort of new DARPA robot!!!
Brady, 29, a male model from Miami, FL
Brady’s the one in the promo videos coming out of the limo with a block of ice and a sledgehammer to “break” it. Get it? Even in his bio, Brady puts in the male model work of shilling for Lululemon sweatpants. Get that paper, Brady! He also can’t stand “The Situation” which is understandable I guess, but don’t you think it’s time to let that one go? I’m pretty sure you won’t have to deal with “Sitch” unless you are hanging around a Chili’s on Staten Island around closing time as “Jersey Shore” has been off television for the better part of 5 years.
Bryan, 37, a chiropractor from Miami, FL
Harrison says that Bryan the chiropractor “…adjusted all of us over the course of the season.” Bryan’s favorite flower is the orchid, which has some… Georgia O’Keefe overtones, no? His answers are downright charming. He seems well rounded, makes a pretty good joke (as far as these bios go) about his JNCO’s and gives a shout out to the Bachelor family of programs. This guy has hometowns written all over him.
Bryce, 30, a firefighter from Orlando, FL
His bio reads like a standard-issue thrill-seeker. He once caught a girl’s hair on fire during sex (?!?) and he saved someone’s life as part of a high speed motorcycle chase. He also describes himself as a “Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.” (I have no idea what this means), and his lovemaking style as “A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” (no, seriously, I’m totally confused right now). This guy’s bio reads like an angsty teenager’s poetry. Did he steal those answers from My Chemical Romance lyrics? I predict Bryce will be the guy who’s still on the show five episodes in before we notice that he hasn’t said a word on camera. Also, he’s a dead-ringer for a Lego character.
Dean, 26., a startup recruiter from Venice, CA
Mixed messages from Dean. He mentions his dead mom twice in his bio (and family twice more), which seems like a traditional values way to go. But then he calls marriage “…an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.” Woah. That’s pretty aggressive for a guy who is on a show where getting married is considered “winning”. He tells us he has a Triforce tattoo and an inner lip tattoo. I’m hoping the triforce tattoo is a Legend of Zelda reference – that’s kind of legit but doesn’t match anything else about him. This guy is gone in the first two weeks.
DeMario, 30, an executive recruiter from Century City, CA
DeMario says that he wants to own a lion and name it Denzel once he gets married and has kids. So maybe don’t let him babysit your kids on a trip to the zoo. Also, I just noticed that DeMario was asked what a dessert island would be made of, not a desert island. What if ABC asked different guys different versions of this question, just to see if they’d catch the difference? Is Rachel secretly a grammar stickler? I like her more now! He seems like the type of guy that hangs around for about 4ish weeks – on the surface is great, but acts like he’s above all the other guys, pisses them off and gets called out during 1:1 time at a cocktail party. He’s going to be a villain.
Eric, 29, a personal trainer from Los Angeles, CA
Eric wants to be Tony Robbins, and his favorite book is a self-help blueprint for life originally published in 1903. This is not what I’d expect of a 29-year-old personal trainer. I bet he’s got some half-thought-out exercise invention that he can’t wait to pitch the Shark Tank people, and The Bachelorette is how he chose to get his foot in the door. He says he would like to have lived before money “was involved” – I smell a tragic personal story related to this.
Fred, 27, an executive assistant from Dallas, TX
Rachel was his camp counselor in grade school, and he’s here to admit his crush all these years later. That’s way worse than Liz coming on the show after a one-night stand with Nick V. Fred admits that he’s had to hide behind his desk at work because of inconvenient erections. He met Rachel when he was a tween. I’ll let you connect those absurd dots…On the plus side, he graduated from two different graduate programs in the same weekend, and just thinking about the work he put in to achieve that makes me want to take a nap. He also likes Basquiat which is a built in ice breaker (Rachel’s favorite artist) – I promise he brings this up in their first conversation.
Grant, 29, an emergency medicine physician from New York, NY
Grant bugs me just from reading his bio. His most embarrassing moment is disgusting enough that I’m not going to describe it. He loves Ice, Ice Baby and Playboy magazine, follows a see food diet (he sees food and eats it). Grant is a caveman. Pass
Ignacio, “Iggy,” 30, a consulting firm CEO from Chicago, IL
Two of Iggy’s favorite movies star Devon Sawa and Allen Covert (Adam Sandler’s college buddy). When was the last time you thought about Devon Sawa? Iggy gives me a Robbie vibe. He’ll stick along way longer than the chemistry between him and Rachel would seem to afford. I can only hope he rocks the complimentary hotel slippers as well as Robbie did. This guy reeks of pretense. He’s a “consulting firm CEO”, loves Harvard Business Review and can’t stand dumb dates. I’d bet a week’s pay this guy is the CEO of Iggy’s Consulting Inc.
Jack Stone, 32, an attorney from Dallas, TX
First and last name is a real power move. His head shot looks like he just swiftly removed his sunglasses before the photographer told him to say “cheese”. He shares that he lost his mom to cancer, so he’ll probably share this Tragic Personal Story with Rachel and hang around for a couple of weeks.
Jamey, 32, a sales account executive from Santa Monica, CA
Red flags from Jamey’s bio:
- He doesn’t have female friends.
- Asked where he sees himself in 5 years, says “I am trying to not make plans in life.”
- His ideal mate looks like, “a model.”
This prince is sprinting towards “Paradise” with answers like that. 3:1 odds he takes a run at Lauren Bushnell now that she’s been re released back into the wild.
Jedidiah, 35, an ER physician from Augusta, GA
Jedidiah has two different religiously-affiliated tattoos. We should hook him up with Christen from last season! In high school, he stripped for a friend’s big sister’s birthday party. Was Jedidiah the victim of a sex crime? He likes “wildflowers that grow in high altitudes, above tree lines.” So he’s watched “Band of Brothers” at least once. There are too many directions this could go in. He feels like the type of guy who can flex his style for 3 or 4 weeks before being dispatched just before the first international trip.
Jonathan, 31, a tickle monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL
My challenge, should you choose to accept it – what profession could he have that doesn’t sound 100x worse with “Tickle Monster” as a subtitle? I think he may actually be a doctor which is way up there on the creepy scale. Also – he’s been married before – this will come up almost immediately. But still, tickle monster? I’m sorry, I can’t get past this. Next.
Josiah, 28, a prosecuting attorney from Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Contender for the 1st 1:1 conversation. Josiah has a lot going for him: lawyer with a religious tattoo (Rachel took Nick to church during her hometown), athletic, likes going to the shooting range. The one snag in his bio is that he can’t dance, and it seemed from her New Orleans date that Rachel knows how to move. This guy is making hometowns. Hell, I want to hang out with him. I think Josiah has one of those “lots of details, and all of it sounds great” profiles that is ABC setting us up to spend a bunch of Mondays together with him. First impression rose material IMO.
Kenneth, “Diggy,” 31, a senior inventory analyst from Chicago, IL
If Iggy and Diggy don’t get their own spinoff after this season, I’m calling my cable company to specifically block ABC. Diggy was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade. Classic Diggy!!! Also, his “fun story about a one night stand” involves acting like he was asleep when the girl got a text saying her brother was missing. Woah – that’s pretty Darwinian. Like I said, Classic Diggy!
Kenny, 35, a professional wrestler from Las Vegas, NV
Harrison says Kenny cries more than anybody else this season. Which means he sticks around, right? Few things are more fun than weeping dudes on this show. Definitely a good thing. He says his most romantic gift is a sending week of edible arrangements to someone. I wonder if she feels the same way? That’s way too much honeydew, bud. My mom yelled at me over brunch earlier this month about how honeydew was a worthless filler fruit.
Kyle, 26, a marketing consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Kyle seems like the guy with a tough exterior that Rachel will have to implore to “open up” and “be vulnerable”. Unfortunately, this guy is basically Hansel. He “isn’t sure” what gluten is or what foods it’s in, but chooses to eat gluten free. I also likes that he admires Ed Snowden, doesn’t trust “corrupt authority,” and loves camping. He’s totally going off the grid if this reality show doesn’t go well.
Lee, 30, a singer/songwriter from Nashville, TN
What is going on with his hair? Chris Harrison lets us know that he rubs the guys the wrong way, and he definitely seems to be the “not here to make friends” sort of dude. Is he the villain? Or is it…
Lucas, 30, a “whaboom” from Santa Monica, CA
That job description says it all. A “whaboom”? Go straight to hell. Do not pass the Fantasy Suites, do not pick up a ticket to Paradise. More hate for the Situation in his bio – am I missing something, is he having a cultural moment or something? This guy is basically every bro who lives west of the 405 and north of the 10 in LA. He’ll be holding his viewing parties at Q’s (the bro-iest bro-bar there is in West LA) no doubt.
Matthew, “Matt,” 32, a construction sales rep from Meriden, CT
Blah blah, volunteer basketball coach. Blah blah, I love my parents relationship. What is important to note is that Matt found a love for lingerie. This strikes me as potentially creepy. I wonder if it’s a Bull Durham situation where it helps him center himself and focus. Rose goes in the front, big guy. He’ll get to Week 4, max.
Michael, 26, a former professional basketball player from Chicago, IL
Michael once hooped in Bulgaria (Sort of like Jordan Rodgers’ “Professional football career” it seems), and Harrison told us that he makes it at least long enough to play basketball with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (which might not be saying much; that’s guaranteed to be an LA date). Michael claims to have seen every episode of “Martin” more than one hundred times. With 107 episodes, that comes out to 275 straight days of “Damn, Gina!!!!” Overstating facts is a theme with this guy.
Milton, 31, a hotel recreation supervisor from North Bay Village, FL
Milton is our second inner-lip tattoo guy. Why is that a thing? I appreciate his honesty when he says that he’s going on this show to get discovered. It’s not even a question, he’s definitely not here for the #rightreasons.
Mohit, 26, a product manager from Pacifica, CA
Chris Harrison took a long look at Mohit’s photo before saying, “You’ll be seeing him on the show.” But that could go two ways. Does Mohit get slammered and jump in the pool naked? Or is this more of an “I have no idea who this guy is, but apparently he was there that first night.” quote? [checks his bio] Mohit gets ready for a big night on the town by watching an episode of “Seinfeld.” He’s going home night one.
Peter, 31, a business owner from Madison, WI
Peter has run three Ironmans (one on a broken foot), but I’m close enough to the end that I can’t pick anything else in his bio that would catch my (or Rachel’s) interest. He is afraid of heights – so I guess ABC is going to shove him out of an airplane? He’s from the town where Rachel went to law school? Are we done yet?
Robert “Rob,” 30, a law student from Houston, TX
Ugh this guy seems like the f’ing worst. He studied abroad in 4 countries, is a law student at 30 (which is about 5 years later than average) and considers himself “worldly” – no Rob, you’re “privileged”, there’s a difference. Likes listening to acoustic guitar because of course he does. Also looks like Tom Cruise Lite minus the snaggletooth.
Will, 28, a sales manager from Miami, FL
Will says he never wants to be someone’s second choice. Does he know what show he’s going to be on? My guess is he is Rachel’s 25th choice and goes home on night one. Sorry bud.
- Did anybody have a favorite actor who wasn’t Denzel or McConaughey? I think a few people wanted to be Will Smith, but still.
- Soooooo many unnecessary tattoos.
- Lots of older guys with real careers, give or take a whaboom. Good for Rachel, but it might be hard for these dudes to get even more time off to get to Paradise. Is this bad for Paradise recruiting?
- Eight of these thirty-one dudes are night one wonders, so don’t get too attached.
We’ll be back with our Fantasy League Preview ahead of Monday’s premiere – so stay tuned! And in case you missed it, check out our initial thoughts on this season and our plea to ABC to not screw this up here.
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