In case you’ve been busy screen-printing sleeveless t-shirts emblazoned with your obnoxious catchphrase, ABC is hosting a weekly Bachelorette Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors each week by guessing whether Rachel is going to send someone home early this week (she is). The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Welcome to Week 2, Bachelor Nation. We hope everyone’s Fantasy Team survived the bloodletting of Night One, and that you’ve spent some time this holiday weekend pouring out some rosé to remember those who’ve fallen too soon (Milton, we hardly knew ye).
But time marches on, and Rachel has a lot of work to do before she can say yes to one of the 23(!) dudes still standing. Let’s preview what we have to wager on this week!
ABC-approved real bets:
TRUE OR FALSE: Rachel sends one bachelor home during a group date.
Analysis: During the “This Season On…” video package, someone’s ex-girlfriend confronts him during a basketball-themed group date. That group date is this week.
Also, DeMario makes this face:
It’s always important for ABC to set the tone early in the season. They need to establish that the Bachelorette is here for the #RightReasons, and the guys need to be too (check out our offical #rightreasons shirt!). That’s too bad; we liked DeMario. At least, as far as we can tell, they aren’t making Rachel drop a track with Soulja Boy to emphasize this. Never Forget.
A Hollywood super couple presents which of these challenges to Rachel’s bachelors on a group date? ‘Husband material’ challenge; ‘Cooking for two’ challenge; ‘Beach body workout’ challenge; ‘Dating etiquette’ challenge
Analysis: It would be hilarious to see a ‘dating etiquette’ challenge, if only to see the Tickle Monster fail at first impressions (Should you inappropriately touch someone with their eyes closed? Gee, I don’t know…). But The Bachelorette’s twitter feed lazily shared this photo on Friday:
So it looks like some kind of baby relay race.
Bet: Husband Material. It’s a lock.
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelor will take a dip in a hot tub with Rachel in this episode.
Analysis: This was an easy bet last season with Nick, but the narrative counts here. While The Bachelor seasons focus on hot tubs early to establish fun and promiscuity, The Bachelorette has to be more demure. If Rachel gets in a hot tub with too many guys too early in the season, it hurts her story as wife material. The Family Network (who scrubbed some of the more risque elements of the Bachelor Bios) won’t go for that.
Bet: FALSE. We won’t see Rachel in a hot tub before she can remember all the dudes’ names.
Which of the following is written on one of the date cards this week? ‘The sky’s the limit’; ‘Who let the dogs out?’; ‘Lets make this a slam dunk’; ‘I’m looking for my best friend’
Analysis: Watching the Week 2 Sneak Peak, we’re in for a basketball group date. Slam Dunk seems like a no-brainer, right? Well not so fast, Bachelor Nation- in the video, Rachel says that the date card reads ‘Swish’. So what’s left? ‘Who let the dogs out’ is flat out stupid, and none of those phrases seem to work with a ‘husband material’ date. Let’s say that ‘The sky’s the limit’ is the date card for the one-on-one date (more on that later).
Bet: ‘The sky’s the limit.’ *See update below
*UPDATE: Leave it to ABC.com to ruin everything. We’re updating our bet to be “Who let the Dog’s out” based on this header image for the episode 2 preview: Ugh – ABC is seriously the worst sometimes.
TRUE OR FALSE: Rachel’s ex-boyfriend shows up unexpectedly at the Bachelor mansion.
Analysis: The story around Rachel’s single status hasn’t been that she never found the right guy, or that she had a bad relationship, it’s always been framed as a function of her career ambitions. Rachel was too busy being a very important lawyer to settle down. Bringing someone from her past on the show would disrupt that story or perhaps highlight that she was too busy to be a good girlfriend, so this seems unlikely.
Which bachelor receives the first one-on-one date of the season?
Analysis: The “This Season On…” package shows us a ton of Dean, Peter, Eric, Anthony, Matt, and Bryan, and the numbers show that three predictors of longevity are First out of the limo (Peter), First Impression Rose (Bryan), and early one-on-one dates. Check out these pictures again:
That’s Jamey, DeMario, Diggy, Lee, Alex, Matt, Eric, Will, Josiah, Adam, Dean, Iggy, and Kenny on group dates. So if one of the dudes heavily featured in the season reel is going to be set up to go the distance this week, it’ll either be Anthony or Peter. Pairing this bet with the date card bet, we think that this is the fireworks date from this shot:
…which means it’s Peter.
Bet: The sky’s the limit for Peter.
UPDATE: Based on the above – Peter appears to be letting the dogs out in a 1:1
Fake but Fun Bets:
TRUE OR FALSE: Someone will wake up in the mansion one morning this season to find Adam Jr. in their bed.
Analysis: Adam Sr. has no personality, so the producers made him get out of the limo with a creepy, creepy doll. Then Adam Jr. was given a funny segment where he spoke in a French voiceover. Adam Jr. has more personality than Adam Sr. at this point, but we still agree with Kenny that everyone would feel better if Adam Jr. got set on fire at some point this season.
Bet: TRUE. Someone get the kerosene.
Over/Under 17 times we hear “Whaboom” this week.
Analysis: Ugh. That guy’s the worst. It’s bad enough that he has a catch phrase, but he’s actually trying to make it “a thing”. More on that in our next post, but to paraphrase Regina George from “Mean Girls”, “Stop trying to make [whaboom] happen! It’s not going to happen!” We’ve never rooted harder for an on-screen aneurysm.
Bet: Over. Way over.
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- Check out how you did last week with our Week 1 recap here.
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