In case you’ve been shutting down production in Mexico due to “misconduct,” ABC is hosting a weekly Bachelorette Fantasy League, where you can try to best your friends and neighbors each week by guessing whether this week is the one when Rachel finally gets in a hot tub. The Fantazie Suite has a group you can join here, and every week we’ll be helping you make your choices.
Happy off-week, Bachelor Nation! Sadly the Cavaliers’ win on Friday night over Rachel’s ex-boyfriend’s team means that we’ll have to wait another week to see the continuation of the Eric and Lee argument (more on that later). But we at the Fantazie Suite would never want to deprive you of our valuable advice, and we’ve done what homework we can in spite of ABC being stingy with the spoilers. Let’s see what’s in store…
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
What picturesque, coastal town do Rachel and the men visit this week? Hilton Head, South Carolina, Pismo Beach, California, Seaside, Oregon, Tybee Island, Georgia
Analysis: ABC was supposed to take Nick and his harem to Hilton Head last year, but a hurricane forced them to switch to their second location of Milwaukee. That’s why Raven had that awkward roller rink date with Nick’s sister.
But Chris Harrison assured us in some early press releases that they’ll be making good on that promise to South Carolina’s Tourism Board this season with Rachel. Given that most of the budget goes to helicopters and whatever charity Kareem forced them to make a donation to, you might think that the field is still awful crowded for ABC to send everyone cross-country, but that’s apparently what’s happening.
Bet: Hilton Head, SC
TRUE OR FALSE: Adam Jr. makes an appearance in this episode.
Analysis: While watching the Week 3 episode, we didn’t recognize Adam Sr. at all as he was talking to Rachel. Without his puppet, the man is a blank. If Adam is still on the show, we are guaranteed to see Adam Jr. After all, ABC loves to play out jokes like this way past the point where they stop being funny.
Bet: TRUE. Will someone have to gate check him to get to SC?
On a group date, the men’s intellect is tested in which academic competition? Debate, Mathletes, Spelling Bee, Academic Decathlon
Analysis: The TV Guide description says it’s a spelling bee, and that only makes sense. Of those four options, a spelling bee is the best television by far. Mathletes and Academic Decathlon are (mostly) written tests, and debate is too hard to judge when you’re watching at home. But it is always fun to watch people spell things wrong, especially when we know how to spell those things correctly at home. Good call on the group date, ABC.
Bet: Spelling Bee. Someone has to misspell “monogamy” at some point, right? We can’t wait.
Bare feet or socks: which does Rachel say she prefers to wander around the house in?
Analysis: This is an impossible bet, so let’s reach for some explanation here. Rachel wore a penguin onesie as her post-coital wear the morning after her Fantasy Suite stay with Nick. The version we found online has no socks.
If Rachel liked socks, she’d have worn a onesie with feet on it, right?
Bet: Barefoot. Sure, why not?
TRUE OR FALSE: A bachelor will take a dip in a hot tub with Rachel in this episode.
Analysis: Last week, we told you that we were going to bet false on this question until we were proven wrong. But we’re far enough along that Rachel knows everybody’s name, she’s kissed almost all of them, and two of the three dates last week involved the guys taking their shirts off. It might be far enough in the season that Rachel feels safe showing a bit more skin too. We’re ignoring our own advice and saying that we finally see a hot tub this week.
Which bachelor takes a hair-raising blimp ride with Rachel on their 1-on-1 date
Analysis: Look at these images from the “This Season On…” trailer:
That’s Rachel and Dean on the hood of a Jeep together.
That’s Rachel in the same top on the hood of a Jeep with the Goodyear Blimp flying overhead.
Bet: Dean. It’s Dean.
Fake, but Fun Bets:
TRUE or FALSE: The Bachelorette is flat out stealing from UnReal.
Analysis: If you haven’t seen UnReal, then we don’t know what’s wrong with you. Produced by a former Bachelor producer, the show follows the behind the cameras drama of a show called “Ever After,” where several women all date one man. Sound familiar? It’s a much soapier version of The Bachelor, but if they replaced Chris Harrison with a coked up Craig Bierko.
Anyway, the premise of Season 2 is that they’ve cast the first-ever black “suitor.” One of the girls fighting for his attention is a Southerner who wears a Confederate Flag bikini.
Now back to the actual Bachelor. Rachel is our first ever Bachelor or Bachelorette of color. We’ve covered that before. And last week, just as Lee started flexing his villain muscles by calling out Eric for… something… some interesting tidbits from Lee’s social media footprint started surfacing. If you’re about to put someone on national television, it seems unlikely that you can’t at least spend half an hour going through their Twitter feed to make sure there aren’t any casually racist statements that maybe you’d like to scrub before releasing that person on your reality show, right? Especially with Rachel being the first black Bachelorette? So Lee got on the show anyway, and we’re all about to learn a Very Important Lesson About Race Relations as Lee unnecessarily stirs the pot. This seems like a setup.
Bet: TRUE. If Iggy turns out to be an undercover reporter working on an expose, let’s just say we warned you.
Who will win the spelling bee?
Analysis: This is a tough bet, but some of the guys have exposed themselves as real dummies. Brady and his “booger roll” modeling advice seems to have come from the Joey Tribbiani school of acting (we bet he knows how to “smell the fart”). Adam thought it was a good idea to walk around with one of the world’s creepiest puppets. Bryan clearly prefers kissing to talking, and Bryce has yet to speak a complete sentence. Hell, the Tickle Monster wasn’t even aware that some of the other guys had gotten to first base with Rachel, as if he didn’t know that that was an option yet! So they’re not all winners. We’re going to put our money on Josiah. He enjoys a good pun, he’s a lawyer, and he might be able to win some points back with a good showing on the Spelling Bee. We’re still pulling for him.
Bet: Josiah. Put that JD to work, man!
TRUE or FALSE: Kenny is secretly bad at this show.
Analysis: If you’re casually watching this show, Kenny seems to be killing it. He’s got charisma for days. The other guys couldn’t do anything but laugh as he suplexed them during the mud wrestling date. He’s getting a ton of screen time, he looks good with his shirt off, and he makes Rachel laugh a lot. He’s doing well, right?
But if you’ve been paying closer attention (like we at the FantazieSuite always do), you’ll see that something’s missing between Rachel and Kenny: chemistry. Most of his personal time with her has been spent talking about his daughter. There have been hugs and a few chaste pecks on the hand, but we have yet to see a single real kiss. Do you know what Bryan’s been doing with his personal time? HE’S BEEN TRYING TO EAT RACHEL’S FACE!!!
Rule one of the Bachelor/ette: Put. Out.
Kenny’s experience as a Chippendales dancer gives us the perfect metaphor: He’s here for the Bachelorette, he makes her laugh, he’ll take his top off and perform for everybody, but there isn’t any real sexual chemistry going on, there is absolutely no kissing on the mouth, and when it’s all over, she’s going off to marry somebody else. Sorry, Kenny.
Bet: TRUE. Kenny’s squarely in the Friend Zone.
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