Janu-Arie is almost upon us! Our overlords at ABC have delivered an early Christmas present to us with the release of Arie’s 29 suitors’ bios. I want to dive into the bios, but first, let’s talk about the choice of bachelor…
Arie, 36, Former Race Car Driver, Scottsdale, AZ
We here at the Fantazie Suite like how the previous season has kind of become the default farm team, but it’s surprising that there wasn’t a future Bachelor lurking around in Rachel’s season. What happened?
- Peter, clearly the fan favorite, couldn’t be the Bachelor after he told Rachel he didn’t believe in the process. You need to at least pretend you can fall in love with one woman out of twenty over the course of two months.
- Dean, the baby-face, took a big heel turn in Paradise when he was clearly trying to bed both DLo and Kristina at the same damn time. He couldn’t have come off like more of an asshole.
- Eric would have been amazing. I only wonder if the producers were leery of giving us the first Black Bachelor immediately after giving us the first Black Bachelorette.
And beyond the top four, we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, Bachelor-wise. Remember Matt, the penguin guy? He was a thing! He made the top 6!
But why Arie? Did we really have to go back six seasons to find a viable dude? And for folks who didn’t watch Emily’s season (where Arie came in second), why should Bachelor Nation care about him? This guy didn’t get picked by Emily, and then the producers passed over him for the born-again virgin Sean Lowe. How is he suddenly the best prospect in the Bachelor’s stable? Arie lost out to Jef who both spelled his name like an angsty teen trying to get back at his parents, and told Emily he loved her for the first time with a puppet(!). Also, it should be noted that Arie is a pretty aggressive kisser so if you were grossed out by Bryan (who I still can’t believe was picked by Rachel) – buckle up. Now without further adieu, let’s meet the 29 lucky(?) bachelorettes!
Ali, 27, Personal Stylist, Lawton, OK
Ali listens to Nickelback, but at least she has the good sense to be embarrassed about it. Pretty down the middle bio – unless she’s actually crazy – could be a first night casualty?
Amber, 29, Business Owner, Denver, CO
Amber wants to be Ariel! Will every third contestant continue that tradition started by Nick’s ladies? Oye, I’m scared for all of aspiring mermaids we’re inevitably about to hear about.
She had to “start [her] business over when [she] moved back to Denver […] with no money for marketing or advertising.” There’s a story there. I bet she moved to the big city to be with the Wrong Guy. Also, being a nondescript “business owner” means you’re either slangin yayo or part of a facebook-based pyramid scheme. Ooo, she would love to tell you about her legging business!
Annaliese, 32, Event Designer, San Mateo, CA
How is event designer different than event planner? Is she working up to be a planner?
Leela from “Futurama” is her fictional character of choice. Is she allowed to name a non-Disney animated character? Is this a tacit endorsement of the potential Disney-Fox merger?
Also, thank you for pointing out that you can’t live without food. No shit. All that being said – she is age appropriate and doesn’t seem horrible. Could be a contender. (wow, is the bar low…)
Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent, West Palm Beach, FL
Sorry, I just blacked out reading her bio. It couldn’t have been more boring and down-the-middle. She loves her friends, and Brad Pitt but hates doing Laundry. She’s gone night one unless she shoves someone into the pool.
Becca K., 27, Publicist, Prior Lake, MN
Two of Becca’s top three bucket list items are hot-air ballooning and grape stomping. Did they ask these questions while she was watching the finale of Rachel’s season? How much do you want to bet she was gunning for a Peter or a Dean season and not this “former racing car driver”? Sort of a boring bio but I could see her dialing up the crazy to stick around for a few weeks.
Most likely to accuse another contestant of “looking at her funny”.
Bekah M., Nanny, Fresno, CA
Bekah is the only contestant whose age isn’t listed. Is she shockingly older or shockingly younger than the others? If you saw the Arie preview special, you know that her age is a plot point. So she’s got to be young. Two other girls are listed at 23 – how much younger are we talking? They can’t put someone who can’t legally drink in the mansion, can they? I think she’s 21, and barely that.
Also, when was the last time we saw a Bachelorette with a pixie cut? Since she is the only woman with short hair on the show – I bet the women gang up on her. It’s impossibly stupid but we’re also talking about “The Bachelor”, people.
Bekah went to nationals for rock climbing. I’m surprised that’s a thing but I bet we hear all about it! That, or her crushing fear of losing her support system and leading an unfulfilling life. Whoa, that got really serious, really fast.
Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant, Miami, FL
Bibiana is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader who hates football. When asked if she considers herself an art lover, she responded “I wish I could be art.” Uh, what?
She has her sister’s initials tattooed on her which may foreshadow a Tragic Personal Story™. I see Bibiana sticking around and stirring up some shit. If the producers are looking for someone to start trouble for no reason, who better to cast than someone who acted excited about something she hated.
Potential villain level: Corinne
Bri, 25, Sports Reporter, Grants Pass, OR
Bri’s the first of several contestants who look like their hair weighs more than the rest of their head. Guess what –Bri has won an Emmy! I’m guessing it was the local variety but she’s going to let everyone know this *early* and *often*. I’m also guessing she’s cooky AF. My crazy-radar is off the charts on this one but it’s just a gut feeling for now.
The Count of Monte Cristo is one of her favorite movies, but which one? It’s been done like two dozen times. The least acceptable answer, of course, is the Jim Caviezel 2002 version.
Brittane J., 27, Marketing Manager, San Diego, CA
I see her name and pronounce it” Brih-TANE.”
Marriage means “…my life would be complete with being married with a family.” This reality show won’t patch up the hole in her psyche. She sees herself as “working towards having a child”. She’s also impressed by the smallest gestures. I don’t think this is going to end well for Brih-TANE and Arie.
Brittany T., 30, Tech Recruiter, Columbia, SC
I appreciate that Brittany sees herself married in five years with two corgis, not kids. Dogs are a much more responsible choice for someone looking for love on a reality show.
She says the last two guys she met (both through dating apps) are terrible human beings. You should always steer clear of the people who trash their exes. Even Raven didn’t speak poorly of her former fiance (for a while) even though she was within her rights.
Also, replying to “where do you meet guys” with “I Don’t, jk” is a window into her personality. She knows she can meet guys and she’s not going to do well with a house full of competing suitors.
Caroline, 26, Realtor, Holliston, MA
Caroline’s “lunch with three people” answer is a bad SNL sketch: Vince Vaughn, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty White. Also, Vince Vaughn? I don’t know that Vince Vaughn wants to have lunch with Vince Vaughn in 2017!
Blasting Celine Dion in her car – red flag #2. Miss Massachusetts Teen 2008 – red flag #3. Ok, maybe she’s the crazy one?
Potential villain level: Tierra
Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Executive Assistant, South Portland, ME
Did Olivia get a new name and a new fake life story so that she could be on this again?
Chelsea is the second of three contestants in Real Estate. Do you think Arie (who is now a broker in Scottsdale) wants to start a family shop, and so he specifically asked for someone he can split a bus stop ad with?
Not to be overlooked- she thinks France is a city. She also hates when her date displays over the top PDA – she’s in for an unpleasant surprise the first time Arie aggressively kisses her.
Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator, Morgantown, WV
Holy 90s glamour shot!
Jacqueline is on her way to a PhD. in chemical psychology, and she wants to have lunch with Thomas Jefferson, Julius Caesar, and David Foster Wallace. Translation: she’s too smart for you, Arie. She won’t get out of the Bachelor mansion. The moment she quotes “Infinite Jest”, the producers are going to send for her ride to LAX.
Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager, Upland, IN
It looks like “social media manager” is the “dog enthusiast” of 2018
Jenna thought too hard about her fruit answer: “I would be a pineapple, standing tall, wearing a crown and sweet on the inside.” She likely has waited years to drop that line. Jenna clearly wants to spin her time on the show in an Ali Fedotowsky direction. She’d rather find a weekend slot on a local travel show than a husband.
Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer, Northbrook, IL
Jenny is like the third girl to list “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” as a favorite. What am I missing about that movie? Is it the Gosling of it all? The unnecessary punctuation? Is it that I’ve never actually seen it and just think people are talking about the Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway movie where she dies at the end?
Was Lola Bunny in anything besides Space Jam? Seems like a weird choice for favorite fictional character. That being said – she likes the outdoors, beer, adventure – she could be in it to win it. Unfortunately, her biggest fear is picking the wrong person to marry. Why on earth is she on this show then? At this point, “The Bachelor” is pretty much predicated upon picking the wrong person.
Jessica, 26, Television Host, Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Jessica also wants to be famous. Is she really a television host? She gives a bunch of L.A. answers in her bio, but I’d be surprised if her show was on anything with a viewership stronger than Crackle.com.
Kissing is her favorite food. I hope she’s really as dumb as that answer suggests. Arie, this is your front runner.
Potential Future Bachelorette Alert – She does charity work, loves LA, fitness and her family – she checks the boxes.
Kendall, 26, Creative Director, Santa Clarita, CA
Kendall sounds like she would be a blast to be around, but also probably get you arrested. She once drove a car through the caboose of a moving train, and she collects taxidermy(uh, what?)! She wants her ideal mate built to survive the (inevitable) zombie apocalypse. I hope Kendall lasts. Oh please let her stick around – she doesn’t want to be a mermaid and isn’t a social media manager.
We have her as Alexis 2.0- the one who seems crazy at first, but you grow to love her over the four episodes that she lasts.
Potential villain level: Vienna Girardi simply because I could see her actually making a run at this.
Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach, Missoula, MT
Krystal has “found her purpose” as a fitness coach, and she seems to think that unicorns are real. She also unearths “thebomb.com” to describe her cooking skills. I dunno, she seems ok but maybe the wrong brand of crazy. She could be an early departure.
Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson, Virginia Beach, VA
The first of FOUR Laurens this year. It has to be a game with the producers to see how many Laurens they can cast. I would love to see a Bachelor season with nothing but Laurens.
Anyway, this Lauren has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and wants to drive as fast as she wants. I wonder if she’ll get a chance to ride shotgun with Arie? A number of women mentioned this so we’re obviously getting a date at a race track, and the previews are pointing in this direction as well.
Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter, Indianapolis, IN
Lauren Number Two likes heartfelt things like This is Us. I bet she watches The Bachelor unironically.
Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate, New Roads, LA
“Recent Masters Graduate” puts her on a short leash. So help me, if I hear the words “emotional intelligence” out of her mouth… It also hints at her being involved in higher education as a student for the last 15 years.
Lauren Three puts a body towel over herself and eats pizza in bed. I’m not sure if I’m aroused or repulsed by that revelation. Pizza in bed is pretty chill, but why a full body towel? Is she that sloppy with her pizza? This can’t be a real answer. It has the producers fingerprints all over it in an attempt to throw us off the scent. She’s a contender.
She’s “over the games” which means she’s going to kiss Arie on night one. Book it. Her head shot also reeks of “future bachelorette”.
Lauren S., 31, Social Media Manager, Dallas, TX
Another “social media manager” which should come in handy as she’ll likely be hawking Fit Tea on Instagram by March, 2018.
Lauren the Fourth’s favorite author is JK Rowling, but it’s because Rowling wrote Harry Potter, and not what most people would say, the terrific body of crime fiction she’s put out as Robert Galbraith.
Also, if she got to see Hamilton, she would die. I suspect she would also “totally die” if she could get a Pumpkin Spice Latte in April.
Maquel, 23, Photographer, American Fork, UT
I’ve spent longer trying to figure out how to pronounce her name than I did reading her bio. Muh-KELL? MAKE-wul? Lauren?
She doesn’t like “not being fed on dates” – a little secret of the pros, you don’t eat on the 1:1s. If she hangs on long enough, we could see a hangry Maquel.
Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner, Salt Lake City, UT
Marikh aka “Not Kim Kardashian” is pissed at the photographer. She also wants to be a little witchy – Beetlejuice, Dark Shadows, and Practical Magic are her favorite movies.
Tell me if you can parse this language: “I enjoy being mysterious. People always make incorrect assumptions about me and I’d rather they not have me confirm those.” What’s the story there? She’s trying way too hard. She’ll be gone early and act like she’s way too good for the show.
PS, what restaurateur can just up and walk away from her business for weeks/months at a time? We learn that her mom is a cook so I’m going to say it’s a family business and she’s overstating her stake in the venture – similar to how Corinne “ran” her dad’s multi-million dollar garage floor sealant company.
Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse, Belton, SC
How many of these girls have tattoos on their fingers? I didn’t realize that was a trend. Nysha also goes with the trend of loving strong women. She shouts out Mellie from Scandal and Mulan.
I sense a lot of breaking “the 4th wall” in these bios , signing up for the bachelor has been named as an “outrageous” thing a few times. Also, if dating apps have not worked out, what part of going on a TV show makes you think you’ll have better luck?
Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate, Geneseo, IL
At 23, Olivia’s favorite book is 50 Shades of Gray. I can only hope that she was too busy with school to read a real book in the last five to twenty-three years.
Gone night 1. Her answers make her seem even younger than the 23 which she is claiming.
Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager, Long Beach, CA
Sienne says she can’t live without her yoga mat or the ocean. Could she be more SoCal? Oh, yes she can! “…I believe in honoring yourself and treating all people with respect.”
Tia, 26, Physical Therapist, Weiner, AR
Tia has been to a swingers’ resort in Cancun but for some reason dreams of visiting… Chicago. Chicago is an amazing city and all but um, it’s available. There are literally two airports there.
Also, Tia is apparently Raven’s BFF. IS TIA THE ONE WHO TIPPED RAVEN OFF ON THE NIGHT SHE ASSAULTED HER EX-FIANCE WITH A STILETTO HEEL? OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!!!
Valerie, 25, Server, Nashville, TN
I would love to see Valerie on a catamaran date: “Don’t make me swim in the deep ocean. There is so much that we don’t know about the deep sea… I don’t want to get eaten.”
She owns 50 costumes which is sort of alarming. She’s only been alive for 25 halloweens and presumably she’s been hanging onto the ones from year, what, 16 and on or so? She is buying at least 5 costumes a year – this is bizarre.
Woah – That was a lot! We hope to see everyone back here as we get closer to Janu-Arie 1st and the premiere of the season. Again we’ll be providing predictions and recaps every week and would love to see you all on Facebook and Twitter!
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