In case you’ve been training dogs to jump on your back for some reason, ABC is running a weekly Bachelor Fantasy League. Join us here every week as we try to guess whether one of the women is crazy enough to speak in the third person.
It’s Week 4, Bachelor Nation, and that means we’re leaving the house! Like many a Californian looking to “rough it, but you know, not really,” Arie and the ladies are packing up and heading to Tahoe. Check out the ABC official breakdown:
Arie and the 15 remaining bachelorettes leave the Bachelor mansion behind and begin a cross-country trip to continue their search for love. In South Lake Tahoe, Nev., Sienne gets the first one-on-one date and joins Arie on a sheer adrenaline date: parasailing. Meanwhile, one woman gets a critical phone call that might change her romantic journey. A dozen ladies hike into the snowy wilderness on a survival-themed group date where they learn about roughing it in the woods from pro survivalists.
I’m sure that none of the women will complain about having to do gross stuff to win Arie’s affections on that sure-to-be awful date. Let’s see what bets we’re playing with this week…
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
Arie chooses a one-on-one date with a bachelorette because she is… A damn good kisser, Educated, Well-traveled, All of the above
Analysis: Sienne impressed Arie in week two by talking about her travels around the world and how she went to Yale. That’s two of the three right there. And we know that all Arie seems to care about is kissing, so being a damn good kisser is probably pretty important to him. Which means…
Bet: All of the Above
TRUE or FALSE: One of the bachelorettes refers to herself in the third person.
Analysis: In real life, when people refer to themselves in the third person, it’s a signal that you do not need to be around that person. On reality TV, it means that you should give them as much screen time as you can, because they are way more interesting than the failed racecar driver you chose to pin your season’s excitement on. We’re desperately willing this one to be true.
Bet: Please let it be TRUE.
How does Arie prove to the women he can survive in the wilderness? Assembling a tent, Eating a bug, Starting a fire, Fighting a bear
Analysis: In this video, titled “Arie and the Ladies Bug Out,” Arie and his group date harem talk to some survivalists, say the word bug roughly seventy times, and then eat worms.
WORMS ARE NOT BUGS. But this is the Bachelor, and last week’s episode referred to a daybed in the middle of the back deck with cameras and lights all around it a “private” “cabana,” when it was neither of those things. So bugs! Why not?
Bet: Eating a bug. Words have no meaning.
A bachelorette discovers a scar on Arie that is from… A skiing accident, A fall down a flight of stairs, A car crash, An angry ex
Analysis: You would expect a scar from a car crash, and Arie has never dated Raven, so an angry ex is out of the picture. The answer we’re leaning toward is skiing accident. It’s the douchiest, most spoiled rich kid answer of the four, and what is Arie if not a kind of douchey, spoiled rich kid?
TRUE or FALSE: A group of the bachelorettes end up in a hot tub with Arie.
Analysis: The show has kept us from the hot tub for too long! The fans are angry! We demand multiple bikini-clad women in a massive jacuzzi!
Bet: TRUE. We are appeased.
Which bachelorette wows everyone with a last-minute move during the rose ceremony?
Analysis: The Saturday morning Twitter video tells us that this one is Krystal.
Thoughts on that in a minute.
Fake, but Fun Bets:
How long until we see Bekah and Krystal in a 2:1 date? Over/Under 1.5 weeks.
Analysis: Krystal is the clear villain this season, and we hate her. So much. And she’s a front-running villain, with all of her villainy stemming from the fact that Arie is way into her despite the fact that she’s so obviously obnoxious. Last week, Krystal lost out on a group date rose to Bekah, which is bad news for the lone pixie cut in the crew, because now Krystal has an enemy. The “wait” moment in that Twitter preview is almost assuredly Krystal stepping out of the Rose Ceremony to try to throw Bekah under the bus.
But Bekah’s playing her own game, one where she makes out with Arie all the time and mental-judo flips him by making him pursue her. This despite the fact that she’s one of fifteen women competing to get him to propose to her. What happens when the unstoppable force of Krystal’s “I’m not here to make friends” villain meets the immovable object of Bekah’s “I’m going to make you chase me” secret favorite? DAMN GOOD TELEVISION, kids. This is a guaranteed two-on-one date, if not next week, then surely the week after.
Bet: Over. ABC always drags this drama out longer than it should, so this isn’t happening this week or next week, but it’s pretty much a lock for two weeks from now.
On a scale from one (Juan Pablo and Nicki) to ten (Trista and Ryan), how seriously are Nick Viall and January Jones “dating”?
Analysis: In case you haven’t heard, Page Six reported that these two are a thing. But it’s not like Nick and January are known for having long term, meaningful relationships. We get the sense that they like to enjoy the company of other beautiful people, so to speak, and we’re not going to fault them for it. You do you, Betty Draper. But let’s not call it “dating,” okay? We’re already pushing the limits of meaning with worms vs. bugs.
Bet: Maybe a 3
Special Bonus Bet: Who are your top four?
Analysis: If you’re playing along at home, ABC is locking in your hometown guesses before tonight’s episode. After watching this video seventeen times, here’s what we’ve got – who’s making your list?
Bet: Bekah, Sienne, Tia, Jacqueline.
- Catch up on the action with our Week 3 Recap HERE
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