In case you’ve been drinking your own pee in the woods right next to a source of abundant fresh water, ABC is running a weekly Bachelor Fantasy League. Join us here every week as we try to guess how Krystal reacts to not being the most special girl on the group date.
Hey Bachelor Nation! We’ve reached Week 5 with Arie, and that means a few things. For starters, Arie has french-kissed every girl like a first-grader trying to claim every single cupcake at the party by licking it. We can generally remember just about every girl’s name, even if he can’t and Week 5 also means Peak Bachelor. Peak Bachelor features the crazy girls at their craziest, the front-runners start to throw around the “L” word, and the villain will be at their most evil. It’s great.
TV Guide has this to say about the episode:
Chelsea receives the first one-on-one date in Ft. Lauderdale. Arie swoops in to take her on a 100-foot luxury yacht, but her checkered past may endanger her getting a rose. Eleven women split into two teams for a day of competitive bowling with the winner going to a private after-party. Tia and Arie travel to the Sawtooth Park Reserve, riding an air boat through the Florida swamps, but then she reveals her daunting past, which might spell the end for this happy couple.
Look out, everybody, we’ve got pasts that are both “checkered” and “daunting”! News flash: if you don’t have a Tragic Personal Story when you go on this show, the producers will make one up and give it to you (like a certain someone’s bad bumper car experience). Anyway, let’s see what we’ve been given to bet against:
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
Which of the following does Arie lick during a group date? A shoe, The ground, A bowling ball, A belt
Analysis: WHAT DID WE JUST SAY ABOUT ARIE PUTTING HIS TONGUE ON EVERYTHING? Man, he’s gross. Anyway, if the group date is in a bowling alley, any of these things could be fair game. It’s funny to picture Arie in the purple jumpsuit and hairnet of Jesus Quintana (John Turturro in The Big Lebowski), so we’re going to say he licks his bowling ball. Whatever it is, it’s better than drinking his own pee.
Bet: Bowling Ball. Stop licking things, Arie.
TRUE or FALSE: Arie gets called a liar by one of the bachelorettes.
Analysis: The preview we got at the end of last week had Jenna telling Arie that Krystal had called him a liar, so this is true by hearsay. That counts.
During a competition, the bachelorettes split into two teams named… Second Chance Chics & In It to Win It, The Spare Roses & The Pin-Ups, Petal to the Metal & Arie’s Angels, The Final Rose & Hot Stuff
Analysis: Oh, how punny the producers can be. How much do you want to bet that they came up with the team names first, and then decided to put together a bowling group date so that they could show off just how clever they were?
Bet: Spare Roses and Pin-Ups.
TRUE or FALSE: Arie and a bachelorette encounter a shark while on a date.
Analysis: Tia’s swamp boat date is more likely to have alligators in it, so this might happen during Chelsea’s yacht date. But it’s unlikely. At best they maybe see a fin sticking out of the water from a couple hundred feet away. This bet is dumb.
When Arie switches up group date plans, a bachelorette angrily reacts by promptly… Packing her bags, Yelling at Arie, Getting drunk, Trashing her room
Analysis: Also in the preview at the end of last week, Krystal said, “I’ve been drinking all day, it feels great.” And we love a good day drinking session as much as the next person – what else would you do on a reality show when it’s not your day to go parasailing with Arie?
To have Krystal do it on a group date, and also admit to it on camera? That sounds like the kind of high drama ABC loves to revel in at this time of the season. We are very excited to watch this.
Bet: How does one “promptly” get drunk? It seems like something you should do at your own pace.
Who wows Arie during and gets the rose at the end of the group date?
Analysis: It won’t be Tia, Chelsea, or Krystal. We also don’t think it’ll be Bekah or Sienne, since they both got so much attention last week. And somewhat less obviously, we think we’re at the point this season where we need just one more girl to focus on, so Becca, who’s already gotten a one-on-one, is probably out. So which of the girls who have mostly been in the background will step into the spotlight this week? Your guess is as good as ours. We like…
Bet: Kendall. She’s been due for a date rose.
Fun But Fake Bets:
Rank the following by degree of difficulty: Making out on a motorcycle, making out on a horse, making out on a jet ski, making out in a car.
Analysis: This week Chelsea makes a deck full of bachelorettes with convenient access to a telescope jealous by making out with Arie while riding a jet ski:
Making out on a jet ski is pretty hot, it’s very Bachelor, and it is oh so very, very Florida.. But it is not difficult. The jet ski isn’t in motion, it’s designed not to tip over, and even if they do capsize, Arie and Chelsea are both wearing life vests. It’s probably easier to makeout on a jet ski than in a car, depending on the make and model.
Bet: Car (automatic), jet ski, Car (manual), motorcycle, horse.
TRUE or FALSE: Fort Lauderdale was a first-choice destination.
Analysis: Let’s talk about Fort Lauderdale. Last week, everybody went to Lake Tahoe, but not the prettier California side of Tahoe. They went to the Nevada side, where you go when you’re hiding out from Bugsy Siegel’s gang. Fort Lauderdale is twenty-eight miles from Miami – it’s the place that college kids end up staying because they booked their Spring Break hotel two weeks too late. Some clips from later this season seem to show Arie and the women at the Moulin Rouge and the Eiffel Tower, but don’t be surprised if they’re just visiting some janky Paris-themed park in Moldova.
Whose past is more “checkered” or “daunting”: Tia’s or Chelsea’s?
Analysis: Tia definitely helped Raven beat that guy with a stiletto.
Bet: Who cares, they’re both getting roses?
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