Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! We’re in week 5 of Arie’s quest for love/social media fame. This is roughly the halfway point in the season so it’s time for the women to essentially act crazy enough to get a spot on Bachelor in Paradise or profess their love so they too can get an opportunity to visit a Pizza Hut in Scottsdale, AZ. The previews teased both of these things – so you know it’s going to be a good one!
Ft. Lauderdale and the Final 12
We start the action in Fort Lauderdale because I guess Miami was out of budget. The women check in to their accommodations at The W thanks to the brand integration that the hotel paid for. Arie barges in to let Chelsea know that she gets the first 1:1 of the week. On cue – she reminds us that she’s a mom. Noted, Chelsea.
Separately, Maquel returns and is a little too cavalier that she just came from a funeral. I guess we all grieve differently but her joie de vivre was a bit much. From there the women move to the balcony. Apparently Starwood properties come equipped with telescopes and they somehow pick Arie and Chelsea out on the yacht they are riding in the distance. #seemslegit While this date (and pretty much every other 1:1 this season) was dull, the theme of having the dates in places where the other women can spy on them is pretty funny.
Arie has feelings, too!
Before we know it, we’re on to the evening portion of the date which tells us that their yacht and jet ski adventures were pretty boring. For some reason they’re eating dinner at a car museum. Oh, I remember why, ABC has to remind us that Arie used to Race Cars because it’s literally the only remotely interesting fact about him! Anyhow, Chelsea dives into her Tragic Personal Story of being a single mom and Arie is trying his absolute hardest to look like he has feelings/cares.
After casually downing his glass of Pinot, Arie gives Chelsea a rose and whisks her away to an Awkward Private Concert. Yawn – next.
Mark it zero, Arie
Further reinforcing my hypothesis that ABC has weeks designed to get “back on budget”, Arie takes the women to a bowling alley for their group date. Don’t get me wrong, bowling can be a ton of fun – but this is a pretty big departure from the catamarans and helicopters we’ve become accustomed to. Especially because we’re in a pseudo-tropical locale. I mean, this is what my family does on vacation if it’s a rainy day so maybe they’ll hit up some outlets to do discount shopping later on too?
Arie sets up the date as a competition for an invite to the after party and it becomes clear from the jump that everyone is both excited and loaded. The match is pretty one-sided with the blue team (which Krystal is a part) winning the day. After a number of cartwheels and plenty of gloating, Arie decides to let everyone join the after party.
Krystal is looking for a partner, ya’ll
Krystal picks this moment to stand on morals and decides to not join the after party since Arie changed his mind. Whatever, this story is too stupid to recap but trust me when I tell you it was 5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. She’s upset and stays in her room. Except, she gets dressed and comes down after pouting for a while. This whole exchange is awful and while I want to see her left on a glacier after a failed 2:1 – I sort of just want her gone now.
Lauren gets the date rose for asking Arie what his favorite color is and how he likes his eggs and coffee prepared. No, seriously- that was their conversation. You can’t make this shit up.
Tia’s trip to a shack in a swamp
Since Tia is from Arkansas, Arie takes her to a swamp. I wish I were kidding, but he literally said it was a “country date for a country girl”. What a charmer. They jump in a swamp boat and go exploring what amounts to my personal hell.
After checking out some gators and turtles, they pull up to a shack in the middle of the Everglades to eat some frogs and sit on a porch swing. It’s clear that this week is “The Bachelor on a Budget”. As a side note, I’m calling it here – I think Tia would be an amazing Bachelorette if Arie doesn’t choose her. Not only is she great on camera, but ABC has a built in story line with her friendship with Raven.
Dinner with Tia takes a decidedly serious tone with discussion of family and faith. This is the type of conversation that happens with the top 3 or 4 so I have to believe we’ll be visiting Weiner, Arkansas in a couple of weeks. Tia lets Arie know that she’s falling in love with him. In true jackass form though, Arie makes her repeat it and look him in the eye. Run for the hills, Tia! She gets the date rose and is now definitely a front-runner.
Krystal’s very dramatic cocktail party
The focus of this cocktail party is going to be everyone putting Krystal “on blast”. Kendall takes the first crack with Tia showing up to provide backup. After some obvious goading from the producers + pinot grigio, Bekah goes up to Krystal to ask her “why is she still here”. Krystal is apparently still really hurt about the whole bowling date but is committed to Arie.
After finishing her fight with the girls (and throwing imaginary glitter at the camera), she goes on to chat with Arie about her tragic past with bowling alleys. I just can’t anymore. Can “Dry January” please end so I can cope with this show?
The Rose Ceremony
Arie is set to send 3 women home and at this point in the season, they are all “tough decisions”. But, are they really? We get down to the final 4 of Marikh, Ashley, Krystal, and Maquel and in one of the most obvious “Producer Roses” of all time, Krystal makes it another week. We’re off to Paris next week and here’s to hoping they saved enough budget this week to fund some decent week 6 dates.
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