In case you’ve been locked in your hotel room “investing in yourself,” ABC is running a weekly Bachelor Fantasy League. Join us here every week as we try to guess why Lauren B. hasn’t opened up to Arie yet.
Hoo, boy Bachelor Nation, we don’t know if last week can be topped. It may have been Bachelor on a Budget, but Krystal’s absolutely ridiculous temper tantrum mid-group date was an all-timer for us, mostly because of how badly it backfired. Nevertheless, Arie kept her around (cough producerrose cough), and that means she gets to head of to the City of Love for the two-on-one date we’ve been predicting for weeks. Let’s see what ABC is going to spend all that Fort Lauderdale money on:
In Paris, Lauren B. and Arie are whisked away on a luxury speed boat down the Seine River and then tour the city’s tourist attractions. Arie also surprises a group of the women with a visit to the legendary dance hall, Moulin Rouge. Krystal and Kendall face off during a two-on-one date that ends with a romantic kiss at the top of the Eiffel Tower for one woman. The final date goes to Jacqueline, but a clash in lifestyles might be a deal breaker for Arie.
So we get to see four full dates this week? Holy potatoes, Nation, that’s exciting! What are we betting on?
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
A bachelorette confesses that she has a hard time opening up to Arie because… She has trust issues, She is not attracted to Arie, She has another man at home, She is afraid of commitment
Analysis: You don’t get to go on The Bachelor if you admit to having commitment issues, and you probably don’t get to the top ten if you’re not that into Arie. Another man at home might be a tricky way of saying that Chelsea talks about how she’s a mom for the seven hundredth time, but we’re going to place our money on the garden variety “trust issues.”
Bet: …she has trust issues. Who doesn’t?
One of Arie’s dates this week gets derailed by the following: Wine gets spilled on a dress, Someone becomes ill, A car breaks down, An unexpected guest arrives
Analysis: Spilled wine isn’t a serious enough event to “derail” a date, so cross that off the list. After the disgusting Vomit Comet ride between Nick and Vanessa, illness isn’t completely off the table. But you’re at the Fantazie Suite, ladies and gentlemen, and this is what you (don’t) pay us for. The “This Season On…” video gives us a glimpse at the two most likely possibilities: a broken down car at 2:49 and some rando standing around with producers drawling “I want my girl. I’m here to get her back.” at 3:09. First, the ex boyfriend:
That, Bachelor Nation, is a bottle of San Mateo Agua Mineral, which is bottled and sold in Peru, which is the destination for the Fantasy Suites/Final Rose this season. We won’t be seeing who we presume to be Tia’s ex boyfriend until the last week or two. That leaves the car:
This might be another deep Google dive, but did you know that Arie used to be a professional racing car driver? It’s weird that ABC never mentions it. He and Jacqueline look like they get stranded on the side of the road, which will provide yet another chance for Arie to look dashing and manly by getting under the hood.
Bet: a car breaks down. Seriously, when is there going to be a real estate-themed date? The world wants to watch Arie prepare an open house!
TRUE or FALSE: A bachelorette takes a dip in a hot tub with Arie in this episode.
Analysis: Come on, you guys. They didn’t spend most of last week at a freaking bowling alley so that they could fly to Europe for more interior hotel room scenes.
Bet: FALSE. Paris is not the City of Hot Tubs.
Arie wows the crowd with ________ onstage after she receives a rose.
Analysis: Your choices for this one are Chelsea, Tia, Sienne, Bekah, Becca, and Jenna. This date is stacked with a lot of our front runners, so there isn’t a great answer. We’ll go with Bekah, because she’s the most theatrical (see below).
Which bachelorette is sent home immediately after she takes part in a double date with Arie?
Analysis: We said two weeks ago that we would see Krystal in a double date with Bekah this week, but when she refused to participate in the group date last week, not only Bekah, but everyone else tagged in for their chance to tell her off. So while Krystal vs. Kendall is a little bit of a letdown, it’s not a huge surprise. Take a quick look back at the description of the episode:
…a two-on-one date that ends with a romantic kiss at the top of the Eiffel Tower for one woman.
Now compare this shot from this week’s teaser:
…to this shot from the “This Season On…” teaser:
THAT’S KENDALL’S OFF-THE-SHOULDER PRINT DRESS ON THE EIFFEL TOWER!!!!!
Bet: Krystal’s going down, you guys. We are so excited for this!
Fake But Fun Bets:
TRUE or FALSE: Krystal’s dig on Arie in the bus was harsh but accurate.
Analysis: The rumor out on the interwebs is that during the bus ride back to the hotel, which wasn’t filmed or mic-ed up, Krystal referred to her supposed love interest Arie as “#NotPeter.” And isn’t that really what everyone watching this season sees when they gaze upon Arie’s dopey grin and cold, dead eyes?
Bet: TRUE. We don’t have to like her, but Krystal sometimes speaks for all of us.
If you were the parent of a “Millenial Free-Spirit” like Bekah, and you couldn’t get in touch with your child for several days, where would you go looking for Proof of Life? Ask her friends, call the police in a panic, use a cell phone to place an actual phone call like some kind of monster, see if she’s posting things to social media.
Analysis: You may have seen this week that Bekah’s mom reported her as missing after she “gave up social media for a while” (started filming), and the California Department of Justice put Bekah on their “missing” website. It wasn’t until the North Coast Journal ran a story about disappearances and a reader pointed out that one of their “Humboldt 35” could in fact be seen on a nationally syndicated reality show that Bekah was taken off the DOJ’s website, despite the fact that she started posting on Facebook again as soon as the producers gave her her phone back in November. It turns out that Bekah is alive, well, working on a marijuana farm in Humbolt County, and practically begging you to follow her Insta.
Bet: How did her mom not think to check her daughter’s Insta Story?
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