In case you’ve been busy truffle hunting with a wise local man and his adorable dogs, ABC is running a weekly Bachelor Fantasy League. Join us here every week as we try to guess what horrors Kendall has in store for her hometown date.
And so we are down to four, Bachelor Nation. Last week, Arie said goodbye to Jacqueline, Sienne, and Bekah for being too smart, too skeptical, and too young, leaving him with three more traditional Bachelorettes and one girl who stuffs dead animals with wire and cotton for fun. This week will span the country, and from East to West and North to South, the common theme seems to be parents not buying this crap. Also, wiener jokes.
Check out what TV Guide says we have to look forward to:
Arie meets Kendall’s parents in L.A.; travels to Weiner, Ark., where Tia’s parents batter him with questions; stops in Prior Lake, Minn., for a romantic afternoon with Becca K.; and endures a tense dinner with Lauren B.’s family in Virginia Beach, Va.
And what are we going to be placing out bets on? Let’s take a look at the questions.
Real Bets Provided by ABC:
What sweet treat will Arie and a bachelorette make after apple picking? Brown Betty, Apple Pie, Caramel Apples, Apple Tart
Analysis: Normally when it comes to hometowns, we do extensive research to see what local delicacies might be in store, but something more obvious came into play with this bet: Arie is not one for deep concentration. And when you are cooking with a child (or someone with a child’s attention span), you keep the number of steps involved to a minimum. Observe:
Step 1: shove a stick through an apple.
Step 2: Dip it in hot caramel.
And you’re done!
Now just watch Arie skip step one and try to dip the apple in caramel with his hands.
Bet: Caramel Apples. Baking is hard.
Arie meets Kendall’s twin sister named… Kylie, Samantha, Robin, June
Analysis: This is weird, but Kendall and Kylie Long are four years older than the more famous Jenner twins. Weirder still, Kendall actually worked with the Kardashian brood when she dressed the set for the Keeping Up With the Kardashians 10th Anniversary Special, if her LinkedIn bio is to be believed.
TRUE or FALSE: Arie delays the start of the rose ceremony to speak with one of the bachelorettes.
Analysis: There’s usually one rose ceremony each season, usually when we get down to the last three or four contestants, when one of the girls gets pulled aside for a separate goodbye to spare her feelings. Then the Bachelor walks back to the waiting women and pretends like there are stakes to the rest of the rose ceremony, despite there being a rose for everyone standing. Because as important as it is to hear, “Will you accept this rose?” the answer matters, too. Or something. This seems like that week.
Hometown dates take place in all of the following places except ____________. Los Angeles, Weiner, Milwaukee, Virginia Beach
Analysis: If you don’t already know this answer, go back and read the TV Guide description.
Bet: (to be read in a “Fargo” accent) You betcha’ we’re goin’ ta’ Minnesota this week, not freakin’ Milwaukee!!!
What animal gets mounted during a taxidermy lesson? Cat, Bear, Chipmunk, Rat
Analysis: A cat’s too personal, and a bear is too time-consuming. So now look at this shot:
“To an everlasting love!” Arie says as he and Kendall re-enact the end of their two-on-one date in Paris using the carcasses of vermin as though they were Barbie and Ken dolls.
Bet: Rats. Ew.
Arie wows which bachelorette by showing off his driving skills during hometown dates?
Analysis: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Bet: Stop it, ABC. He’s a realtor.
Fake But Fun Bets:
Over/Under How many times does Arie say, “I love this/that”? 6.5
Analysis: Two per hometown seems a bit high. There are bound to be some situations that Arie wouldn’t describe as “awesome.” He might not have a very large vocabulary, but Arie is definitely capable of being bummed out.
How many families will actively disapprove of Arie? 1, 2, 3, 4
Analysis: You would expect a couple of the hometown dates to be awkward. Families are naturally skeptical of this process and this show, and they don’t know what to make of the camera crew that their daughters have brought into their living room. But rarely do ALL FOUR of the hometowns go poorly. Check out the quotes from this teaser:
Tia’s dad: “If you hurt her, I can find you.”
Kendall’s dad: “I don’t think Kendall’s that girl.”
Becca’s dad: “You’re not gonna hurt my Becca. We’re her guard dogs!”
Lauren’s dad: “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”
Does anybody like Arie?
Bet: 3. We think one of those is pulled out of context, but those families do not look like they’re buying it.
TRUE or FALSE: Taxidermy is a normal hobby.
Analysis: If you aren’t a long-time citizen of Bachelor Nation, you might not know it, but this isn’t the first time a hometown date prominently featured mounted animal heads. Way back in 2010, Ali Fedotowsky was visiting Kirk’s hometown when his dad asked her the question every girl wants to hear, “Would you like to go see my basement?”
It freaked Ali out, and it seems like Arie is similarly disturbed by Kendall’s choice of hometown activity.
Bet: FALSE. That man put googly eyes on a caribou’s foot, and he’s walking around as if nothing is wrong with that.
We love Kendall, but NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T DO THIS!
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