Welcome back, Bachelorette Nation! We’re through the first week and said goodbye to some men who we barely got to know (except for Joe to Grocer – he was a regrettable loss). The next week or two will be will with still an overwhelming amount of men but just enough personality to make these some of the best episodes each season. Also, we’re going to try something new here at the Suite this week – a little recap discussion format between your favorite two Bachelor/ette experts. Let us know how you like it in the comments or on social media!
The First Group Date
Matt: The first date of the season is a group date where Becca lets them know that they are going to be pampered. Obviously this isn’t going to be the case but we got to see Jordan, the male model in his element. Ok, you may hate me, but I sort of love Jordan. He actually told her, “before you put your shoes on in the morning, put on your confidence” He’s so serious and so ridiculous that I hope he lasts a while. The real date was an obstacle course where Rachel Lindsay and Bryan “the Makeout King” were the special guests. Lincoln appeared to cheat and the rest of the guys got super angry and competitive. During the evening, Lincoln received a “wedding photo” from Becca which Connor promptly threw into the pool. Lincoln, on the verge of tears told Becca everything that happened. Is this the earliest we’ve seen someone call out a fellow contestant?
Ryan: I mean, are we going to count whatever weirdness happened last week between Chris and Chase? Either way, I’m not surprised to find this group of guys getting unnecessarily aggressive on week 2. Every damn one of them played D1 ball, and they haven’t decided who the Alpha is yet. Are we to believe in Lincoln’s hyperventilating (or his tears when recounting the traumatizing event to Jason the next morning)? And how dare Connor ignore the rules – everyone knows that glass isn’t allowed on the pool deck! Next thing you know, he’ll be running with scissors.
And you’re wrong about Jordan. He’s the absolute worst, but I’ll get to him later in the episode when he gets a little more, er, revealing.
Maybe the Greatest 1:1 Ever
Matt: Tip of the hat, ABC. They set up a warehouse full of “Arie stuff” to break (a racecar, TVs playing his proposal to her, THE COUCH HE BROKE UP WITH HER ON!!!). As if that wasn’t enough, for whatever reason, they got Lil’ Jon to DJ the whole thing. I’m so distracted by the awesomeness that just happened. Oh, Blake was the guy on the date – but really, who cares.
Ryan: That was amazing. Was Lil’ Jon promoting something? Nope! Did he dispense some kind of wisdom on romance? Of course not. Did Lil’ Jon even stick around for the entire date? I think he left before Becca and Blake sat down, if the hand turning the “Bachelor” level up to eleven on that mixer was any indication. Lil’ Jon just rolled in and encouraged the two budding lovers to tear crap up. Freaking amazing.
The Perfect Group Date for Aggressive Dudes
Ryan: Why isn’t dodgeball a yearly tradition on The Bachelorette? Throw a group of guys who don’t know each other very well and have a group of adorable child actors yell at them while they get back to their grade school roots – a plus no matter how old and sad Fred Willard gets.
Matt: The real story in this date was the revelation that Colton dated Tia. I’m sorry – why is Becca upset? I mean, I get that it could be awkward but to get mad at him feels super irrational. Sisters before misters, I guess.
The Cocktail Party
Matt: First, Clay brought the heat with his time with Becca. Part of me hopes he just hangs around long enough to be the next Bachelor. Right now he’s my prohibitive favorite to take on the role – that is if Peter Kraus stays in retirement.
Ryan: Oof, Clay puts me right to sleep. He’s a big, gentle giant, he doesn’t have much to say, and his botched handshake with Becca was painfully awkward. His heart’s in the right place, and I don’t wish him ill, but I’ll be glad to get him off my television.
Matt: Well then shall we fast forward to Jordan’s decision to show up for his 1:1 time with Becca in his underoos? The best part of this was Jordan wearing a blanket the rest of the episode and into the rose ceremony – WHERE HE GOT A ROSE! Becca’s uncertainty as to where to pin his rose was the best.
Ryan: I just don’t see what you see in him. I see exactly what the producers see in him. He’s just pretty enough that you can pretend that Becca might keep him around two weeks longer than he should. He has zero self-awareness. He’s very available to talk to the camera, and always seconds away from being outraged at the slightest insult. And he’s a walking quote generator. While looking for “disingenuous,” he faltered and came up with “ingenuinity.” Not content to leave it at that, this tool took a second shot later in the episode and hit on “enguenity” instead. Which, while being shorter, is equally as wrong. Everything about him screams “producer rose,” and I have been sick of him since before his week one sizzle reel ended. Please save me.
Anyway, the episode wrapped with goodbyes from Alex, Trent, and Rickey, with Alex inexplicably having to hold back tears on the driveway after getting the boot. Tune in next week for even more aggro posturing and a potential visit from the ambulance? Don’t get me wrong, we should treat medical emergencies as such, but Matt, isn’t this probably closer than that time someone tried to steal Tierra’s sparkle and she walked around with a neck brace for half an hour? I’ll believe the trauma when I actually see the stitches.
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