Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Things have begun to heat up in the season as we approach the midpoint and in turn, ABC is only letting us choose 5 women for our fantasy teams this week. Lots to unpack from last week as we look ahead and get ready for the “it’s time to get serious” part of the season. Let’s get into it!
Week 4 Observations
This week was not the kind of thing we can comment on with our usual cynicism. Caelynn’s story was heartbreaking in ways that we can’t process, and it makes it much, much harder for us to be snarky about the other hour and forty-five minutes of the show. Amazing strength to see her tell her story in such a no-nonsense, straightforward way. Amazing, too, that Colton was able to express his support in articulate, complete sentences (though I suspect some coaching on behalf of the producers there). Thank goodness ABC didn’t cut it short into a typical “tragic personal story” and then quick cut to a private concert with Jason Mraz. They gave it the airtime needed and handled it (surprisingly) respectfully.
So yeah. Moving on to less important stuff…
The beauty queens squashed their beef relatively effortlessly, which was a bit of a surprise. I mean, Hannah made jungle noises thinking about Caelynn and now all of a sudden they’re besties ready to braid each others’ hair. It just shines a light on how manufactured their feud was and how they were obviously cast with this story line in mind (which, of course). But how does this happen? Were they approached by ABC for this casting?
Demi also knocked out two of her biggest rivals, and we welcome our new contestant overlord. She is flying close to the sun though – being the one who openly goes after the other women is usually a good way to get sent home around week 5 or 6. I don’t know if Demi can hang around much longer, but she’s still damn good TV at this point and that’s all that really matters. God help the next woman to cross her.
Most of the rest of the episode was pretty Bachelor mad libs: Falling in love is like (bungee jumping). Hey, if we dress a beautiful woman in (fancy clothes) in the fashion district of (Singapore), she looks pretty! What would happen if we all went out as a group to (eat local foods in one of any number of world-famous hawker centers) in a way that comes off as (ethnocentric/culturally insensitive/outright racist)?
Side note, did anyone else notice that Hannah G dressed up for the cocktail party like she was Makeout Barbie? Colton was… into it. We totally pegged her for someone we’d wish was an attendee of the Fyre Festival but I have found her surprisingly charming.
Additional Hannah G news – we learned this week that she actually competed in the Miss Alabama USA contest (losing to Hannah B). So we have three beauty queens, and Hannah B is losing this particular contest to both of them. No wonder she’s a basket case! Is The Bachelor just going to slowly merge with Miss USA? Eventually we’ll have a woman from each of the 50 states competing to fall in love with a hunky All-American type?
Week 5 Bets
Goes on a Group Date – Everyone but Heather and Cassie is what we’re thinking.
Receives a One-on-One Date Card Heather and Cassie appear to be in line. Cassie is way overdue. For someone he seems to genuinely like – he hasn’t spent much time with her.
Cries (Tears on Her Face) There was a weird deleted scene tweeted out with Onyeka calling Nicole out for crying all the time. So maybe Nicole? Definitely Elyse (more on that later).
Kisses Colton (On the Lips) Heather (finally), Elyse, Tayshia, Cassie, Hannah B…
Wins Joe’s Survival Challenge – Who cares?
Says “Thailand” – F’ing everyone. On a balcony. Before the second commercial break. It’s in the contract with the Thai board of tourism.
Receives a Rose – the 1:1 dates are solid relationships, so they’re secure. So is anyone who’s been on a 1:1 so far.
Says “Falling in Love” – Hannah B for sure and likely a bunch of other women – it’s that time again!
Things We Wish We Could Bet On
Who’s the 2:1 at this point? Is it still the beauty queens? After last week it’s not clear anymore since no one really wants to watch two women get along for 2 hours. Usually you get a villain, so maybe Demi + someone reasonable who is almost out the door anyway. The 2:1 will simply be Demi’s canvas for saying awful shit about a woman she barely knows, seeding doubt and forcing Colton to “make a really difficult decision.”
Will Heather have her first kiss this week? Yes, of course, Why is this even a question?, Why would she even go on this show if not to kiss Colton during her first 1:1? Seriously, you don’t get a chyron describing your profession as “Never Been Kissed” if you aren’t eventually going to be kissed. This week will have soooooo many uncomfortably lingering camera shots focused on Colton and Heather’s lips. Prepare to be grossed out. You’ll be screaming “Just kiss her” at the television before they even get to dinner. At least they are doing it in a 1:1 and not with Onyeka banging pots and pans in the background.
What does Elyse do that’s a “big mistake”? It certainly seems like she gets a little, erm, premature, with Colton this week. Who knows though, piecing together deceptive trailers is basically what ABC does at this point.
- Catch up with our Week 4 preview HERE
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