Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Now that we’re all emotionally exhausted, yet relieved that Colton finally jumped that fence – it’s time to land the plane on this season. Let’s jump right in to the action!
This Week’s Bets
- Kisses Colton (On the Lips)
- Cries (Tears on Her Face)
- Brings a Gift for Colton’s Family
- Makes a Toast with Colton’s Family
- Rides In a Van
- Says “I’m So Nervous”
- Says “I Love You”
- Receives the Final Rose
What the hell are they doing, putting up basic bets like this when Colton broke the f’ing show last week? He took off his mic and left production – now we’re supposed to speculate over which girl rides in a van? I have no idea what to expect this week. It might turn into an Amazing Race episode where the winner is the first to track Colton down in the Portuguese wilderness, or it could be two hours of Hannah going on a magical Fantasy Suite date on a catamaran alone. Maybe Cassie’s dad will propose to her. I just don’t know what to expect! And these bets make it seem like next week will just be a normal episode of the Bachelor. That’s kind of disappointing.
Last Week Thoughts
That was a pretty by-the-book first half of an episode, followed by a really interesting second half. And I don’t know what it means for the rest of the season.
We started with Tayshia, who got a typical fantasy suite date, with the exception that she came out and explicitly said she didn’t have sex with Colton. The generally accepted wisdom is that 2 out of 3 fantasy suite dates contain sex, so it’s not all that surprising that it didn’t happen with Tayshia. It’s just surprising that she said it out loud, and it has to mean that she knows she’s not winning. Which is fine – honestly she deserves better, so I’m not mad about it at all.
Cassie’s date was fascinating. Cassie, who Colton was obviously the most enamored with. Cassie, whose dad definitely didn’t approve. Cassie, who has never really seemed like she was all that into Colton in the first place, and was probably just looking for an out. The producers flew her dad to Portugal to have a sit down, and she took that excuse and ran with it.
Poor Colton was clearly absolutely shook by the dumping. Set aside the fact that he’s the most-dumped Bachelor ever, but he was definitely going to propose to Cassie, and had kept Tayshia around as a friend and Hannah around to have sex with. He broke the unspoken rules of being the Bachelor and said out loud that he loved her, that he was going to pick her at the end, and that he would do so even if they weren’t still on the show. And was visibly shaking so hard that his microphone was picking it up.
So for Cassie to dump him, at the seeming instruction of her dad, who the producers flew to Portugal… he was not just heartbroken, but also betrayed by the people he had been surrounded by for the last year (Bachelorette, Paradise, and this season). Of course he wanted to be alone with his… well not thoughts, but he wanted to be alone. The fence jump was the only logical outcome.
We think the shots of Harrison chasing Colton were after the fact “movie magic.” I mean, why would he have been mic’d and have a camera on him during the date which IRL is typically pretty long. That being said, Chris saying, “He just jumped the f#$king fence,” was great, but it seemed less astonished than it would have been in the moment.
I wasn’t all that excited about the episode in the moment, but the more I think about it, the more fascinated I am. It was a low-key stunning moment of reality television.
Less stunning but fun: Tayshia’s boob tape conversation was honest and hilarious. I want more of that in my Bachelor world.
And good lord, Women Tell All was everything we hoped it would be. There’s always way too much yelling by women whose names we can’t remember, and whose faces are only vaguely familiar. But accusing Caelynn of sliding into Dean’s DMs? Please!!! And Demi came loaded for bear. She is a delight, and if she’s not the bartender in Paradise in perpetuity, then ABC doesn’t know what it’s doing.
Things we wish we could bet on
What happens next? We’ve got so many questions, and they’ve only grown over the last week:
-How long is Colton actually gone?
-Where did he go?
-Why does he come back?
-What gets him back?
-Cassie has to come back, right? Colton’s not still doing press for the show if he’s not with Cassie at the end of next week’s episodes. Why does she come back?
Who’s the Bachelorette? Gotta be Hannah B, right? Let’s hope she gets some coaching on public speaking.
Will we ever see Hannah G again? In my mind, she’s still in a fancy hotel room in Portugal, wondering when Colton is going to pick her up for her Fantasy Suite.
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